HASH STANDARDS

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"A" is for A
"A" is for Arsehole
A Prayer
Act Sederunt of the Session
All Things Dull and Ugly
Arseholes are Cheap Today (two versions)
As I Was Walking Through the Wood (Old One-Hundredth)
Aussie Serenade
Balham Vicar
Ball Game
Ball of Ballyknure (abbreviated version)
Ball of Ballyknure (long version)
Banana Song
Band Played On
Barcelona
Blinded by Shit
Cactus In My Y-Fronts
Can You Walk a Little Way?
Chandler's Shop
Chicago
Chisholm Trail
Clintstones
Clean Song
Cold Winter's Evening
Colostomy's Best
Comin' Thro' the Rye
Country Sunday School
Did You Ever See?
Do Your Balls Hang Low?
Do Your Tits Hang Low?
Does Your Bum Hang Low?
Don't Cry Lady
English Country Garden
Fart
Farting Contest
Follow the Band
Get Fucked
Give Me that Old Time Religion
Good Ship Venus
Hallelujah, I'm a Bum
Happy Wank Song
Has Anybody Seen J. C.?
Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off to the Burlesque Show
Humoresque
I Want to Play Piano
I'll Take the Left Leg
Incontinence is the Shits
Irian Jaya
It's the Same the Whole World Over
I Wish I Was in England
Jonestown
Junior Birdmen
Leaver's Song
Lehigh Valley
Life Presents a Dismal Picture
Little Bit Off the Top
Little Red Train
Mobile
Moonshadow
My God How the Money Rolls In
My Sombrero
Nipples
North Atlantic Squadron

Old Bazaar in Cairo
Old Irish State
Or Would You Rather be a ____?
Ou Est Le Papier?
Ovaltine Song
Patriotic Song
Pissanya, Pissanya
Plastic Jesus
Prayer
Ring the Bell Verger
Road to Gundagai
Roedean School
Roll Your Leg Over
Rule Britannia
Scrotum
Sexiatus Mania
Sinking of the Titanic (two versions)
Sod 'Em All
Some Die of Drinking Water
Spanish Guitar
Swamp-Ass
Sweet Violets (two versions)
Ten Sticks of Dynamite
There Was an Old Farmer
They're Moving Father's Grave
Those Were The Days
Three Chinese Crackers
Tonight We March Against England
Vegetables Are the Best
Walking Down Canal Street
Wee Wee Song
Yellow Ryder Truck
You Won't Find Any Country (two versions)
You're An Asshole



"A" IS FOR A
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Gregorian Chant (sort of)
"A" is for A,
A,
Aye, aye, aye, aye.

"L" is for long,
Long,
A long,
Aye, aye, aye, aye.

"S" is for strong,
Strong,
Long strong,
A long strong,
Aye, aye, aye, aye.

"B" is for black,
Black,
Strong black,
Long strong black,
A long strong black,
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
(and so on . . . )

"P" is for pudding,
Pudding,
Black pudding, etc . . .

"U" is for up,
Up,
Pudding up, etc . . .

"M" is for my,
My,
Up my, etc . . .

"S" is for sister's,
Sister's,
My sister's, etc . . .

"C" is for cat's,
Cat's,
Sister's cat's, etc . . .

"A" is for arsehole,
Arsehole,
Cat's arsehole, etc . . .

"T" is for twice,
Twice,
Arsehole twice, etc . . .

"N" is for nightly,
Nightly,
Twice nightly, etc . . .

"W" is for weather,
Weather,
Nightly weather, etc . . .

"P" is for permitting,
Permitting,
Weather permitting, etc . . .

"S" is for sideways,
Sideways,
Permitting sideways, etc . . .

"A" IS FOR ARSEHOLE
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Melody - A Frog He Would A'Wooing Go

A is for arsehole all covered in shit,
Heigh-ho says Rowley,
B is the bugger who revels in it,
Singing roly, poly, up'em and stuff'em,
Heigh-ho, says Anthony Rowley.

C is for cunt all dripping with piss,
Heigh-ho, etc . . .
D is the drunkard who gave it a kiss, etc . . .

E is the eunuch with only one ball,
F is the fucker with no balls at all.

G is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout,
H is the harlot who spreads it about.

I is for insertion, injection, and itch,
J is the jerk of a dog on a bitch.

K is the knight who thought fucking a bore,
L is the lesbian who came back for more.

M is the maidenhead all tattered and torn,
N is the noble who died on his horn.

O is for orifice all cunningly concealed,
P is for penis all pranged up and peeled.

Q is the Quaker who shat in his hat,
R is the Rajah who rogered the cat.

S is the shit-pot all filled to the brim,
T are the turds which are floating within.

U is the usher who taught us at school,
V is the virgin who played with his tool.

W is the whore who thought fucking a farce,
And X, Y, and Z you can shove up your arse!

A PRAYER
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Melody - Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin

Part 1: Spoken

Leader: And now, gentlemen, a prayer:
Leader: A Prayer for the constipated.
Response: SHIT!

Leader: A prayer for the inebriated.
Response: PISS!

Leader: A prayer for the frustrated.
Response: FUCK!

Leader: A prayer for the dehydrated.
Response: BEER!

Leader: A prayer for the emasculated.
Response: BALLS!

Part 2: Sung

Chorus:
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, Bengelstein, Bengelstein,
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.

He sits on the steeple and shits on the people,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.

Chorus:

He keeps us all waiting while he's masturbating,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.

Chorus:

He tried Mrs. Bengelstein, bur she's old and rotten in-between,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.

Chorus:

He ups and he downs them, he fucking well grounds them,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.

ACT SEDERUNT OF THE SESSION
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Melody - Unknown
By Robert Burns, contributed by ZiPpY

In Edinburgh town they've made a law,
In Edinburgh at the Court o' Session,
That standing pricks a fauteors a',
And guilty of a high transgression.

Chorus:
Act Sederunt o' the Session,
Descreet o' the Court o' session;
The rogues in pouring tears shall weep,
By Act Sederunt o' the session

And they've provided dungeons deep,
Ilk lass has ane in her possession:
Until the wretches wail and weep,
There shall they lie for their transgression.

Glossary:
- Act Sederunt - A piece of general legislation under Scottish law
- fauteors a' - offenders all
- Ilk lass has one - every lass has one

ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY
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Melody - All Things Bright and Beautiful
From Monty Python

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul, and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

ARSEHOLES ARE CHEAP TODAY - VERSION # 1
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Melody - La Dona e Mobile

Arseholes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday,
Small boys ones' are half a crown,
Standing up or bending down,
Big ones for bigger pricks,
Biggest ones cost three and six.
Get yours before they're gone,
Come now and try one.

ARSEHOLES ARE CHEAP TODAY - VERSION # 2
Melody - La Dona e Mobile
Contributed by Stephen Skaggs

Arseholes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday,
Little ones are half a crown,
Standing up or bending down.

Large ones at three and eight,
Cause us to palpitate.
We have a big supply,
Of Gluteus Maximi.

We'll pledge your money back,
So don't say no to crack.
A bum deal you'll get from us,
Arseholes are cheap!
Arseholes are cheap!
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrssssseeee holes are cheap!

AS I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOOD (OLD ONE-HUNDREDTH)
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Melody - 100th Psalm

As I was walking through the wood,
I shat myself, I knew I would.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
So I shat myself again.

As I was walking through Saint Paul's,
The vicar grabbed me by the balls.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my balls again.

As I was walking through Saint Giles',
Some bastard grabbed me by my piles.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my piles again.

As I was walking down the street,
A whore grabbed me by the meat.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so she grabbed my meat again.

As I lay sleeping in the grass,
Some bastard rammed it up my ass.
I cried for HELP, but no help came,
And so he rammed it up again.

There were two crows up in a tree,
As black as black as crows could be,
Said one black crow unto the other,
"You are one black enamel fucker."

AUSSIE SERENADE
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Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Mate

Pull me dungarees down, sport,
Pull me dungarees down.
I'm that sort of gal, sport,
So pull me dungarees down.

Put away that prick, Mick,
Put away that prick.
The sight of it makes me sick, Mick,
So put away that prick.

You up and gave me the jack, Mac,
You up and gave me the jack.
So I'll just give it back, Mac,
You up and gave me the jack.

Oh, fuck me hard till I'm red, Fred,
Fuck me hard till I'm red.
On the floor or in bed, Fred,
Fuck me hard till I'm red.

Why are you all up in smiles, Giles,
Why are you all up in smiles?
Just got rid of your piles, Giles?
No wonder you're all up in smiles.

Go back and wait for your turn, Vern,
Go back and wait for your turn.
You've got a lot to learn, Vern,
So go back and wait for your turn.

Let's have one on the grass, Darce,
Let's have one on the grass.
You can root me up the arse, Darce,
So let's have one on the grass.

For my sake undo your fly, Guy,
For my sake undo your fly.
Do you wanna wait till its dry, Guy?
For my sake undo your fly.

Well, you sure took more than you gave, Dave,
You sure took more than you gave.
Do you think I'm your slave, Dave?
You sure took more than you gave.

You know I just can't say no, Joe,
You know I just can't say no.
So stick it in and I'll blow, Joe,
You know I just can't say no.

BALHAM VICAR
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Melody - ???

There once was a Balham vicar
Who said to his curate,
I'll bet I've fucked more women than you,
And the curate said You're on.
And the curate said You're on.

We'll stand outside the church this day,
And this will be our sign,
You ding-a-ling for the women you've fucked,
And I'll ding-a-dong for mine, for mine.
And I'll ding-a-dong for mine, for mine.

Well there were more ding-a-lings and ding-a-dongs,
Till a pretty young lady went by.
And curate went ding-a-dong.

Oh, said the vicar, don't ding-a-dong there,
That's my wife I do declare,
Hell, said the curate, I don't care,
Ding-a-ling-a-ling, ding, ding, ding, ding,
Ding-a-dong-a-dong, dong, dong, dong.

BALL GAME
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Melody - Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Whip it out at the ball game,
Wave it round at the crowd,
Dip it in jello and Crackerjack,
I don't care if you give it a whack,
Because it's -
Beat your meat at the ball game,
If you don't come it's a shame,
For it's one, two,
And you're covered in goo,
At the old ball game!

THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE - Abbreviated Version
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Melody - Itself
(Take turns leading verses)

Four and twenty virgins
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.

CHORUS:
Singing, balls to your partners,
Arseholes against the walls,
If you never got laid on a Saturday night,
You'll never get laid at all.

Four and twenty prostitutes
Came up from Glockamore,
And when the ball was over
They were all of them double bore.

The village cripple he was there,
He wasn't up to much,
He lined 'em up against the wall,
And diddled 'em with his crutch.

The Queen was in the parlor,
Eating bread and honey,
The King was in the chambermaid,
And she was in the money.

First lady forward,
Second lady back,
Third lady's finger
Up the fourth lady's crack.

The village policeman he was there,
The pride of all the force,
They found him in the stable,
Wanking off his horse.

The village plumber he was there,
He felt an awful fool,
He'd come eleven leagues or more
And forgot to bring his tool.

There was humping in the hallways
And humping in the ricks,
You couldn't hear the music
For the swishing of the dicks.

'Twas ballocks in the kitchen,
And ballocks in the halls,
You couldn't hear the music
For the clanging of the balls.

'Twas fellatio in the anteroom,
Cunnilingus on the stairs,
You couldn't see the carpet
For the cunts and curly hairs.

Sandy McPherson he came along,
It was a bloody shame,
He fucked a lassie forty times,
And wouldna take her haim.

The parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her bum,
And thistle up her cunt.

The vicar's wife, well she was there,
A-sitting by the fire,
Knitting rubber johnnies
Out of India rubber tire.

The village idiot he was there,
Sitting on a pole,
He pulled his foreskin over his head
And whistled through the hole.

Mrs. O'Malley she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
A-jumping off the mantelpiece
And bouncing on her tits.

The bride was in the kitchen
Explaining to the groom,
That the vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.

The village magician he was there,
Up to his favorite trick,
Pulling his arsehole over his head,
And standing on his prick.

The village smithy he was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score
With a piece of red hot wire.

The blacksmith's brother he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall
And buggered them three by three.

Now farmer Giles he was there,
His sickle in his hand,
And every time he swung around
He circumcised the band.

The vicar's wife she was still there,
Back against the wall,
"Put your money on the table, boys,
I'm fit to do ye all."

The vicar and his goodly wife
Were having lots of fun,
The parson had his finger
Up another lady's bum.

The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances
He was sterilizing dicks.

Father O'Flanagan he was there,
And in the corner he sat,
Amusing himself by abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.

The vicar's wife was yet still there,
Dressed in a long white shroud,
Swinging on the chandelier
And pissing on the crowd.

They was shagging in the couches,
They was shagging in the cots,
And lying up against the wall
Were rows of grinning sots.

Farmer Brown he was there,
A-jumping on his hat,
For half an acre of his corn
Was fairly now fucked flat.

Giles he played a dirty trick,
We canna let it pass,
He showed a lass his mighty prick,
Then shoved it up her arse.

Bayard Stockton he was there,
Drunk beyond a doubt,
He tried to stuff the parson's wife,
But couldna get the root.

Jockie Stewart did his business
Right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better
Than pissing on the floor.

A couple of Hashers they were there,
A-looking for a fuck,
But every cunt was occupied
And they were out of luck.

Mike McMurdock when he got there,
His stand was long and high,
But when he'd shagged her forty times,
His balls were squeezed and dry.

McTavish, oh yes, he was there,
His piston long and broad,
And when he'd stroked the furrier's wife
She had to be rebored.

McCardew-Roberts he was there,
His flagpole all alert,
But when half the night was done,
It was dragging in the dirt.

The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed his wind,
The room was filled with soot.

The doctor's daughter she was there,
She went to gather sticks,
She couldna find a blade of grass,
For cunts and standing pricks.

The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes,
And blunted all the pricks.

Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys,
To make their voices higher.

Now little Tommy he was there,
But he was only eight,
He couldna root the women,
So he had to masturbate.

The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldna shag the ladies,
So he fucked the letterbox.

The village idiot he was there,
A-leaning on the gate,
He couldna find a partner
So he had to flatulate.

The blacksmith's father he was there,
A-roaring like a lion,
He'd cut his rod off in the forge,
So he used a red-hot iron.

A pregnant woman she was there,
Her belly was well hung,
And when I tried to eat her,
A tiny hand grabbed my tongue.

And so the ball was over,
They all went home to rest,
And the music had been exquisite,
But the fucking was the best.

BALL OF BALLYKNURE - Long Version
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Also known as THE BALL OF KIRRIEMUIR, or THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS
Melody - as for "The Ball of Ballyknure," above

This version of "The Ball" was passed on to my by Ed Cray, who got it from Abby Sale, who offers the following comments:

"This collati

on is done by Joe Bethancourt, a professional singer in Arizona and member of Society for Creative Anachronisn (SCA). A large number of the verses are 'filk,' created for the SCA meeting and never were sung again elsewhere. Make of that what you will. "I'll relate an anecdote relating to [Ed Cray's assertion that there was a historical Ball of Ballyknure, where there was much rowdy behivior, a precondition of which was that few Scottish ladies wore panties at the time] . . . .

"A female friend from the Isle of Lewis (a professional folksinger, in fact) told me some tales of her remote village on that remote island. About 1950 came the advent of Pakistani house-to-house peddlers of whatever-you-need. This was a good and welcome service in the area of no local stores, regular deliveries, public transport, or any facility of casual shopping. The peddler, having failed to sell any pots, pans, clothes or anything that trip to my informant's 72-year old mother, finally tried the latest French panties. Mrs M said no, she didn't need any. Peddler said well surely you must, these are brand new in the UK. No, she said, don't need them. Peddler pressed . . . surely you must need panties. Absolutely not, she laughed, and lifting her long black skirts clear over her her head: 'See? I never wear them.'"

Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure
Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!

CHORUS:
Wha' do ya, lassie?
And wha' do y'noo?
I'm the man what did y'last, lass,
I canna do y'noo!

The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey
The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!

The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire
Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!

Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!

The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"

The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!

There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!

They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!

The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?
Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!

The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone
Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!

Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!

The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see
Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!

John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game
He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!

The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat . . .

It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated
But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!

Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore
Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!

Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade
For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!

The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch
But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!

The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows
He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!

The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!

The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb
Workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!

The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute
For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!

The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat
A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!

The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could
A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!

The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees
The ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!

The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood
He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!

The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles
A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!

The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room
Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!

The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!

The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod
He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!

The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!

The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob
They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!

Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness
And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!

There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones
You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!

(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles
Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!

All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"

Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep
And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!

(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well
He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!

(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:
A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!

(insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice
He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!

(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!

(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!

The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!

(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,
He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!

The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows
The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"

Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back
The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!

The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox
He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!

Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!

(insert name) he was there at the revel feast
He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"

And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat
For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!

It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot
And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!

And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed
The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!

Following are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of Ballyknure":

ALTERNATE CHORUS:
Singin' balls to your partner
Arse agin' th' wall!
If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht
You canna' get laid at all!

The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!

The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!

The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud
Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!

(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits
Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!

The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!

The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front
He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their cunts!

The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,
And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!

The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:
Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!

The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires
He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!

(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,
With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!

The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin
Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!

The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass
He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!

One female musician was some sight to watch
With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!

There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!

The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:
The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!

The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!

(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass
And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass!

The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!

The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!

(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall
A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!

The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"

(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:
He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!

(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!

(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:
Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!

(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,
Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!

(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:
He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!

(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree
With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!

The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,
So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!

The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits
The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!

(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen
He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!

(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke
Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!

The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,
Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!

(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,
The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!

(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!

(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep
The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!

Alternate CHORUS: Singin' who hae ye, lassie?
Who hae ye noo?
The ane that had ye last time
He canna hae ye noo!

(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,
Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!

They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!

First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!

The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,
The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!

(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,
(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!

First lady over, second lady front,
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!

Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,
Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!

Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,
Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!

(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!
His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!

A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"
His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!

Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,
Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!

Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds
Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )

Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,
"The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"

(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,
And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!

(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,
She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!

The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,
For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!

(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!

(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,
And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!

Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,
You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!

(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,
Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!

The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!

(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!

(insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,
God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!

(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,
They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!

James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!

(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,
Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!

(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,
Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!

The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,
They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!

(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!

(insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,
Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!

(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:
Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!

Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,
She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!

Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,
He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!

Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,
The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"

Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,
And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"

(insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,
He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!

ALTERNATE CHORUS:
Singin' balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall!
If you can't get laid at Pennsic (Estrella)
Then you can't get laid at all!

Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal;
He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!

(insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,
'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!

(insert name) (s)he was there, havin' quite a ball!
Shoutin' out "When I am (King/Queen), I'm gonna screw you all!"

All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin' at their jocks,
Doin' things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!

(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,
He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!

(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,
But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!

(insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,
So he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!

(insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock,
He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!

(insert name) he was there, feelin' full of oats:
He diddled his lady from Land's End all the way to John O'Groats!

Elanor of Aquitane was dancin' round the room,
She didn't like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!

Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice . . .
She didn't like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!

Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,
With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!

The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,
And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"

Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,
Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!

(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;
We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!

(insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked,
When she heard a shepherd boy yell "Lady, go get flocked!"

All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,
Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!

There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,
It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!

There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,
When (insert name) caught his sporran in some giant hollyhocks!

It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,
They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!

Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,
And grinned, and said "Another 'do' won't do us any harm!"

They were doin' it in the garden, they were doin' it all around,
There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!

(insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,
He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"

William of the Shire was there, he wasna' in the race,
He wouldna' use his pecker, so he did 'em with his mace!

There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi' the piles,
And lassies wi' their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!

The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!

There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones
You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!

There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,
And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!

Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song
And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!

The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand,
Giving his Staff of Office a polishin' with his hand.

The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:
He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!

The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean;
A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!

The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,
And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!

The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,
And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door!

Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;
He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate!

The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,
Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!

(insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!
Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!

(insert name) was also there, a-playin' fast and loose;
Rompin' 'round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!

(insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;
She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!

(insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen;
She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!

(insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,
He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!

The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick,
You should have seen their doin's with their muzzle-loading prick!

(insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck
He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!

(insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk,
While nobody was watchin' him, he diddled him a Duke!

(insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet
Underneath the bedsheets wi' his favorite parakeet!

A Corsair captain he was there, he shouted out "Ahoy!"
We'd run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!

Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I'm a gruesome troubador!
And if you stick it there again, you'll see it grew some more!

All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work,
So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!

"What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;
She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"

(insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,
You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!

(insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl
He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!

(insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,
We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!

The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force
They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!

There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass
And all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!

(insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,
But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!

(insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad
But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!

(insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired
He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired....!

The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks
He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!

(insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher

Another idiot, he was there, leanin' on the gate
He couldn'a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!

The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks
And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!

(insert name) he was there, a-lookin' for a fuck
But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!

The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin' lots of fun:
The Vicar had his finger up another lady's bum!

There was fuckin' on the couches, and doin's in the punts
And linin' up against the wall were rows of grinnin' cunts!

(insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass
He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!

The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool;
He'd come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!

The smithy's brother he was there, a mighty man is he;
He lined them up against the wall, and shagged 'em three by three!

There was doin's on the highway, there was doin's in the lanes,
You couldn'a here the music for the rattlin' of the stanes!

There was doin's on the couches, there was doin's on the cots,
And linin' up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!

(insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot,
He tried to stuff the Parson's wife, but couldna' get the root!

(insert name) he was there and he was in despair,
He couldna' get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!

(insert name) did his doin's right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better than doin' on the floor!

(insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert
But when only half the night was done, t'was danglin' in the dirt!

The doctor's daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks
She couldna' find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!

ALTERNATE CHORUS:
Singin' who did ye last, lass,
Who's doin' ye noo,
The one tha' did ye last, lassie
Canna do ye noo.

The village blacksmith he was there, roarin' like a lion,
He'd cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!

The Mayor of the village, was doin' by the rule;
Partin' all the pubic hairs and wadin' thru the drool!

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,
So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!

There was doin's in the kitchen, there was doin's in the halls
You couldna hear the music for the clangin' of the balls!

The Parson's daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!

(insert name) was also there, this I must confess:
Buggerin' at the Parson's cat; it's "pussy" none the less!

(insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life;
He didna do the lassies . . . he only did his wife!

I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm,
And if she douches regular, she won't do me no harm!

Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water;
They spent the day a-diddlin', doin' things they shouldn't oughter!

Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad,
The Boyars called him "Terrible," the ladies said "Not bad!"

(insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose,
He sat down at the table and he called for "Cunt au jus!"

I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin' this awful song,
But if I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I'm doin' you all wrong!

The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand,
Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.

Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said:
"Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!"

The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly;
"First you rape, and then you burn; that's how to be rake-helly!"

Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright!
"First you burn, and THEN you rape; 'tis best by firelight!"

(insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy;
He spent the evening with a will, pluckin' virgin cherries!

The Parson's wife was there that night, sittin' by the fire,
Knittin' prophalactics with a rubber wire.

(insert name) was at the Ball, lookin' pretty grumpy;
His pecker isn't very long...the ladies call him "Stumpy!"

(insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned:
His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!

(insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin' pretty foul,
Doin' seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!

The King is the biggest prick you've ever seen;
We may cry "God save the King," but, Lords, God save the Queen!

My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France,
My Lady goes to Fredrick's to buy her underpants!

My Lady's very beautiful, and this is what she wears:
Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!

(insert name) she was there, lyin' in the grass,
With "Property of (insert household name)" tatooed on her ass!

(insert name) he was there; we did a double-take,
When we saw him gettin' sexual with a shovel and a rake!

The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud;
It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!

The Old Professor, he was there, sittin' on a shelf,
Demonstratin' to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!

Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape,
Explainin' to Van Helsing that "It vasn't really rape!"

The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough,
Complainin' that the wet-ware wasn't wet enough!

THE BANANA SONG
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Melody - Yes, We Have No Bananas
Contributed by Stray Dog

Yes, we have no ba-nan-as,
We have no ba-nan-as to-day.
We've limp ones and thick ones and ravages and sick ones,
And all kinds of dicks and say!
We have an old, fash-ioned cu-cum-ber,
To please you till you slum-ber.
But, yes we have no ba-nan-as,
We have no ba-nan-as today.

THE BAND PLAYED ON
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Melody - And the Band Played On
Contributed by ZiPpY

Casey got hit with a bucket of shit
And the band played on.
He waltzed 'round the floor and got hit with some more
And the band played on.

His balls were so loaded, they nearly exploded
The poor girl she shook with alarm.
He married the bitch with the seven-year itch
And the band played on.

BARCELONA
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Melody - Manana
Last verse by Ian Cumming, New York HHH
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
Manana, manana,
Is my banana good for you? O-le!

Way down in Barcelona, where ladies learn to knit,
A lady stuck a knitting needle in another lady's tit.
Said the lady to the lady, "We're here to learn to knit,
Not to stick a knitting needle in another lady's tit."

Way down in Barcelona, where drummers play the drum,
A drummer stuck a drumstick up another drummer's bum.
Said the drummer to the drummer, "We're here to play the drum,
Not stick a drumstick up another drummer's bum."

Way down in Barcelona, where lepers decompose,
A leper picked a snotty from another leper's nose.
Said the leper to the leper, "We're here to decompose,
Not to pick a snotty from another leper's nose."

Way down in Barcelona, where ladies learn to swim,
A lady put her finger up another lady's quim.
Said the lady to the lady, "We're here to learn to swim,
Not to put our fingers up another lady's quim."

Way down in Barcelona, where beggars beg for food,
A beggar chucked a lunger in another beggar's gruel.
Said the beggar to the beggar, "We're here to beg for food,
Not to chuck a lunger in another beggar's gruel."

Way down in Barcelona, where wankers yank their crank,
A wanker took a yank of another wanker's crank.
Said the wanker to the wanker, "We're here to yank our crank,
Not to yank a crank off another wanker's crank."

Way down in New York City,
Where the cabbies drive so fast.
A cabby rammed his cab up another cabbie's ass,
Said the cabby to the cabby,
(Wind down window)
"FUCK YOU, BUDDY!"

BLINDED BY SHIT
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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
Contributed by ZiPpy
Also see "Madeline Schmidt")

There was an old lady, I'd have you to know.
Who went up to London a short time ago.
She liked it quite well and thought she would stay.
The neighbors were tickled when she went away.

Now when this old lady retired for the night,
She said, "Oh gor blimey I believe I must shite."
There's no use in talking about things that have past.
So she went to the window and out went her ass.

There was an old watchman who chanced to pass by,
Looked up and got a chunk of shit right in the eye.
He put up his hand to see where he was hit.
He says, "Oh gor blimey, I'm blinded with shit."

Now this poor watchman was blinded for life.
He had five health children and a fine fucking wife,
On a London street corner you may now see him sit.
With sign on his chest reading, "Blinded by shit."

CACTUS IN MY Y-FRONTS
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Melody - Unknown
From Francis "Dirty Dingus" Turner, Agnews CA HHH

CHORUS:
I've got cactus in my Y-fronts,
A vulture on my head,
I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss,
And I wish that I was dead.
I've a jock strap made of leather,
That tickles, hee, hee, hee,
But the cactus in my Y-fronts,
Made a loser out of me.

I was up in Cripple Creek,
I was dying for a leak,
So I dropped behind a cactus there,
And when I did up my belt,
I can't tell you how it felt,
But I knew the meaning of a prickly pear.

I went down to Nevada,
Where the girls try so much harder,
And I met a cute young thing called Caroline,
But each time she felt my prickles,
She said "Goodness me that tickles!"
Now she's gone and run off with a porcupine.

In Cal-i-for-ni-a,
Where the rustlers are so gay,
I bought a gentle gee-gee name of Jack,
But he livened up a lot,
When he felt my brickly bot,
That buckin' bronco broke my bloomin' back.

CAN YOU WALK A LITTLE WAY?
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Melody - Billy Boy
Contributed by Stray Dog
(Harriers sing questions, harriettes sing answers):

Can you walk a little way,
With it in, with it in?
Can you walk a little way,
With it in-nnn?

I can do it with a smile,
I can walk a bloody mile,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.

Can you pour me frosty beer,
With it in, with it in?
Can you pour me frosty beer,
With it in-nnn?

I can poor your frosty beer,
Even with your mug in here,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.

Can you sing a pretty tune,
With it in, with it in?
Can you sing a pretty tune,
With it in-nnn?

I can sing a pretty tune,
Under your most handsome moon,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.

Can you drive my father's car,
With it in, with it in?
Can you drive my father's car,
With it in-nnn?

I can drive your father's car,
To the local village bar,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.

How soon can you let go,
With it in, with it in?
How soon can you let go,
With it in-nnn?

I cannot let it go,
Un-til your seeds you sow,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.

THE CHANDLER'S SHOP
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Melody - Itself
Also known as "Rat-a-Tat-Tat"

A boy went into a chandler's shop, some candles for to buy,
But when he got to the chandler's shop, no chandler did he spy,
He loudly knocked, he loudly cried, enough to wake the dead,
But all he heard was a rat-a-tat-tat, right above his head.

Now he was a very inquisitive youth, so up the stairs he went,
And he was very surprised to find the chandler's wife in bed,
For she was lying upon her back with a man betweenher thighs,
And they were having a rat-a-tat-tat, right before his eyes.

And when the deed was over, the wife she raised her head,
And she was very surprised to find the boy beside the bed,
"Now if you can keep a secret, boy, to you I will be kind,
And you can have a rat-a-tat-tat, whenever you feel inclined."

CHICAGO (Two Versions)
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Melody - The Bear Went Over the Mountain
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
I used to work in Chicago,
In a department store,
I used to work in Chicago,
I don't work there any more.

VERSION # 1:
A lady came into the hatshop,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Felt," she said,
Felt her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a water-bottle,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Rubber," she said,
Rub her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a sweater,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Jumper," she said,
Jump her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a ticket,
I asked, "Where would you like to go?"
"Bangor," she said,
Bang her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some coffee,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Ground," she said,
Grind her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some gin,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
"Beefeater," she said,
Eat her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a cake,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Layer," she said,
Lay her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for some service,
I asked, "How fast do you want it?"
"Quick," she said,
Prick her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some carpet, I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Pile," she said,
Shagged her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a diskette,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
"Floppy," she said,
Hard drive her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for a bath mat,
I asked "What size would you like?"
"Shower," she said,
Show her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a down quilt,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
"Goose," she said,
Goose her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some lamp oil,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
"Whale," she said,
Sperm her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for a power drill,
I asked, "What brand would you like?"
"Black & Decker," she said,
Deck her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a drink,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Liquor," she said,
Lick her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some Air Wick,
I asked, "What scent would you like?"
"Mountain," she said,
Mount her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a sleeper,
I asked, "What berth would you like?"
"Upper," she said,
Up her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some china,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Bone," she said,
Bone her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some dish soap,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Johnson & Johnson," she said,
My Johnson she got,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for some wood shoes,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Clog," she said,
Flog her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a curtain,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
"Drape," she said,
Rape her I did,
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for a new coat,
I asked "What kind would you like?"
He said, "Something nice."
He went home with lice.
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for a rental,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"A U-Haul," he said,
Haul his ashes I did,
I don't work there any more.

VERSION # 2:
A lady came in for some stockings,
Some stockings from the store,
Stockings she wanted,
A hosing she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some carpet,
Some carpet from the store,
Carpet she wanted,
Laid she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some nails,
Some nails from the store,
Nails she wanted,
Screwed she got,
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for a balloon,
A balloon from the store,
Balloon he wanted,
Blown he got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for some wool,
Some wool from the store,
Wool she wanted,
Felt she got,
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for some carpet,
Some carpet from the store,
Shag he wanted,
Piles he got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for metaphysical conversation,
Metaphysical conversation from the store,
Metaphysical conversation she wanted,
Fucked she got,
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for a lollipop,
A lollipop from the store,
A sucker he wanted,
Sucked he got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for drain cleaner,
Drain cleaner from the store,
Drano she wanted,
Clean pipes she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a pony,
A pony from the store,
Horse she wanted,
Ridden she got,
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for some wheels,
Some wheels from the store,
Wheels he wanted,
Rimmed he got,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for a doughnut,
A doughnut from the store,
Glazed she wanted,
Creme-filled she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a throw rug,
A throw rug from the store,
Rug she wanted,
Rug-burned she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a watchspring,
A watchspring from the store,
Watchspring she wanted,
Boinged she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a T-bone,
A T-bone from the store,
T-bone she wanted,
Boneless round she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for toy sailors,
Toy sailors from the store,
Toy sailors she wanted,
Semen she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a canned ham,
Canned ham from the store,
Armour she wanted,
Porked she got,
I don't work there any more.

A woman came in for gift wrapping,
Gift wrapping from the store,
Wrapping she wanted,
A stuffing she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a beefsteak,
Beefsteak from the store,
Chuck she wanted,
Fucked she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a novel,
A novel from the store,
Dickens she wanted,
Dick she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for cigarettes,
Cigarettes from the store,
Camels she wanted,
Humped she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for an iron,
An iron from the store,
Steam she wanted,
Reamed she got,
I don't work there any more.

A widow came in for some sympathy,
Sympathy from the store,
Sympathy she wanted,
Syphilis she got,
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for assistance,
Assistance from the store,
Help she wanted,
AIDS she got,
I don't work there any more.

BONUS EXHIBITIONIST VERSES FOR HARRIERS AND HARRIETTES:
A lady/man came in for some aspirin,
Some aspirin from the store,
Aspirin she/he wanted,
Crack she/he got,
(shoot moon)
I don't work there any more.

A lady/man came in for some film,
Some film from the store,
Color she wanted,
Exposed she got,
(expose dick/tits)
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a computer,
A computer from the store,
Apple she wanted,
My Wang she got,
(expose dick)
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for a pet,
A pet from the store,
A puppy he wanted,
My pussy he got,
(expose same)
I don't work there any more.

A man came in for some deoderant,
Some deoderant from the store,
Right Guard he wanted,
My right tit he got,
(expose same)
I don't work there any more.

A lady (or man) came in for some Wrigley's,
Some Wrigley's from the store,
Gum she (he) wanted,
My bum she got,
(shoot moon)
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for molasses,
Molasses from the store,
Sorghum she wanted,
My scrotum she got,
(expose same)
I don't work there any more.

A man came into Lost & Found,
Lost & Found at the store,
"My package, I left it."
I showed him my left tit,
(expose same)
I don't work there any more.

A lady came in for a video,
A video from the store,
Free Willy she wanted,
Free Willy I did,
(do same)
I don't work there any more.

THE CHISHOLM TRAIL
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Melody - The Chisholm Trail

Now gather 'round, boys, and listen to my tale,
And I'll tell you my troubles on the old Chisholm Trail.

CHORUS (VERSION # 1):
Singing, ki-yi-yippy, yippy-yay, yippy-yay,
Singing , ki-yi-yippy, yippy-yay.

CHORUS (VERSION # 2):
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg,
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg.

My name's Bill Taylor and my love's a squaw,
Livin' on the banks of the muddy Washita.

I come from Texas with the longhorn cattle,
On a ten-dollar horse and a forty-dollar saddle.

Sittin' in the saddle with my hand on my dong,
Shootin 'jism on the cattle as we go along.

We left Texas on October twenty-third,
And traveled up the trail with the 2-U herd.

We didn't reach town till winter, Eighty-two,
My ass was draggin' and my pecker was too.

I went huntin' tail from a parlor house whore,
But I didn't have enough, so they kicked me out the door.

With my ass in the saddle and my pecker all sore,
I spied a little lady in the whorehouse door.

I asked for tail and I gave her a quarter,
And she says, "Young man, I'm a minister's daughter."

I took out a dollar and I put it in her hand,
And she says, "young man, will your long pecker stand?"

I grabbed right hold and I throwed her on the grass,
My toe-hold slipped and I rammed it in her ass.

I fucked her standin' and I fucked her lyin',
If she'd a-had wings, I'd a-fucked her flyin'.

Five days later, my prick turned blue,
I ran to the doctor and he didn't know what to do.

So I went to another and he said, "Cough,"
I coughed so hard my balls dropped off.

I went to another 'cause my pecker was sore,
"By God," said the doctor, "It's that same damn whore."

So I sold my horse and I sold my saddle,
And I bid goodbye to the longhorn cattle.

The last time I seen her and I ain't seen her since,
She was scratching her cunt on a barbed wire fence.

THE CLINTSTONES
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Melody - The Flintstones

The Clintstones . . . meet the Clintstones . . .
They're the modern liberal family.
From the . . . town of Little Rock . . .
They're a page right out of '60's history.
Let's riot, with the Blacks on down the street,
So we'll, have more laws by trickery and deceit.
When you're . . . with the Clintstones . . .
You'll have a Bubba downs Big Mac time . . .
A Rodham does Reno time . . .
You'll have a gay old time.

CLEAN SONG
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Melody - ???
There was a young sailor who
Looked through the glass,
Looked through the glass,
Looked through the glass,
He spied a young mermaid with scales on her
Frightfully clean island where seagulls fly over their nests
As she combed the long hair that fell over her
Shoulders and caused her to tickle and itch,
Yelled a sailor, "Well I'll be a son of a
Beautiful mermaid out there on the rocks"
And the crew came a-running, their hands on their
Caps while they crowded four deep on the rail All eager to share in this fine piece of
Talk which the captain soon heard from the watch
So he tied down the wheel and unbottoned his
Crackers and cheese which he kept near the door
In hopes he might come on a sea-going
Happy, he knew he must use all his wits
So he called for a line to make fast to her
Tail, saying "Boys, we are finally going to find
Whether mermaids do better before or
Be brave, me good fellows," the captain next said
"And with luck we'll break through her maiden
Heading to starboard," they tacked with dispatch
And caught that fair mermaid right on the
Side and immediately hustled her down below decks
Where each had a crack at this wonder of
Setting her free after each had a pass
They tossed her back with a pat on her
After a while they all noticed some scabs
And soon they broke out with the pox and the
Cursing and scratching, you know what I mean
This song may be dull, but it's frightfully clean.

COLD WINTER'S EVENING
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Melody - She Was Just a Poor Man's Daughter

'Twas a cold winter's evening,
The guests were all leaving,
O'Leary was closing the bar,
When he turned and he said,
To the lady in red,
"Get out! You can't stay where you are."

Oh, she wept a sad tear,
In her bucket of beer,
As she thought of the cold night ahead,
When a gentleman dapper,
Stepped out from the crapper,
And these are the words that he said:

"Her mother never taught her
The things a young girl should know,
About the ways of English (or Hasher) men,
And they way they come and go (mostly come)
Age had stolen her beauty,
And sin has left its sad scar (you know where)
So remember your mothers and sisters, boys,
And let her sleep under the bar (with O'Leary)

COLOSTOMY'S BEST
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Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4, modified by Flying Booger

CHORUS:
Colostomy's best, boys,
Colostomy's best - SHIT IN A BAGGIE!
Colostomy's best, boys,
Colostomy's best.

Rub some shit on your clit, girls,
Rub some shit on your clit - COLOSTOMY!
Rub some shit on your clit, girls,
Rub some shit on your clit, 'cause . . .

OTHER VERSES:
Take a dump in a bag, guys
Shit through a slit in your side, Clyde
The Hershey highway is my way, boys
Stick your tool in her stool, boys
Get down in her brown, guys
Whack off in her sack, Jack
Fart through a cut in your gut, boys
Make doo-doo without a loo, Stu

COMIN' THRO' THE RYE
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Melody - Comin' Thro' the Rye
By Robert Burns, contributed by ZiPpY

Gin a body meet a body,
Comin' thro' the rye;
Gin a body fuck a body,
Need a body cry?

Chorus:
Comin' thro' the rye, my jo,
An' comin' thro' the rye;
She found a prick that did the trick,
While comin' thro' the rye.

Gin a body meet a body,
Comin' thro' the glen;
Gin a body fuck a body,
Need the warld ken.

Gin a body meet a body,
Comin' thro' the grain;
Gin a body fuck a body,
Cunt's a body's ain.

Gin a body meet a body,
By a body's sel;
What na body fucks a body,
Was a body tell.

Mony a body meet a body,
They dare na weel avow;
Mony a body fucks a body,
Ye wadna think it true.

COUNTRY SUNDAY SCHOOL
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Melody - ???
Politically-correct version of "Darkie Sunday School"

CHORUS:
Young folk, old folk,
Everybody come,
To the country Sunday School,
And we'll have lots of fun.
Bring your sticks of chewing gum,
And sit upon the floor,
And we'll tell you Bible stories,
That you never heard before.

Now Adam was the first man,
So we're lead to believe,
He walked into the garden,
And bumped right into Eve,
There was no one there to show him,
But he quickly found the way,
And that's the very reason,
Why we're singing here today.

The Lord said unto Noah,
"It's going to rain today,"
So Noah built a bloody great Ark,
In which to sail away.
The animals went in two by two,
But soon got up to tricks,
So, although they came in two by two,
They came out six by six.

Now Moses in the bulrushes,
Was all wrapped up in swathe,
Pharaoh's daughter found him,
When she went down there to bathe.
She took him back to Pharaoh,
And said, "I found him on the shore"
And Pharaoh winked his eye and said,
"I've heard that one before."

King Solomon and King David,
Lived most immoral lives,
Spent their time a-chasing,
After other people's wives.
The Lord spoke unto both of them,
And it worked just like a charm,
'Cos Solomon wrote the Proverbs,
And David wrote the Psalms.

Now Samson was an Israelite,
And very big and strong,
Delilah was a Philistine,
Always doing wrong.
They spent a week together,
But it didn't get very hot,
For all he got was short back and sides,
And a little bit off the top.

DID YOU EVER SEE?
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Melody - ???

Oh, I got an Aunty Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed,
And the nipple's double-jointed.

CHORUS:
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before?

I've got a Cousin Daniel,
And he's got a Cocker Spaniel,
If you tickle him in the middle,
He'll raise his leg and piddle.

Oh, I've got Cousin Rupert,
He plays outside half for Newport,
They think so much about him,
That they always play without him.

Oh, I've got a Cousin Anna,
And she's got a grand piana,
And she'll 'ammer, 'ammer, 'ammer,
Till the neighbors say "God damn 'er."

Oh, I've got a Brother Mike,
Who rides a motor bike,
He can get from here to Gower,
In a quarter of an hour.

DO YOUR BALLS HANG LOW?
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Melody - Sailor's Hornpipe

Do your balls hang low?
Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
* Can you throw 'em over your shoulder,
* Like a European soldier?
Can you do the double shuffle,
When your balls hang low?

CHORUS:
Ting-a-ling, God damn, find a woman if you can.
If you can't find a woman, find a clean old man.
If you're ever in Gibraltar, take a flying fuck at Walter.
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?

OTHER VERSES (same as original verse, except you replace the * lines with the following):
Do they make a lusty clamor,
when you hit 'em with a hammer?

Can you bounce 'em off the wall,
like an Indian rubber ball?

Do they make a hollow sound,
when you drag 'em on the ground?

Do you feel a mellow tingle,
when you hit 'em with a shingle?

Do they squeal like dogs,
When you tromp 'em with your clogs?

Do they have a salty taste,
When you wrap 'em round your waist?

Do they chime like a gong,
when you pull upon your dong?

DO YOUR TITS HANG LOW?
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Melody - Sailor's Hornpipe
Attributed to Twin Peaks & She Mussel Bitch, Austin HHH

Do your tits hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder?
Do you need a boulder holder?
Do your tits hang low?

Are your tits real small?
Are they flat just like a wall?
Can you hide them with your hands?
Can you see them there at all?
Would you look just like a male
if it weren't for your pigtails?
Are your tits real small?

Are your tits just right?
Are your blouses kinda tight?
If you had a disagreement
could you use them in a fight?
Do the boys throw fits
when you flash your tits
Are your tits just right?

Do your tits go squish
when you poke them like this?
Do they feel just like
a slimy jelly fish?
Does your man's pecker stand
when he holds them in his hand?
Do your tits go squish?

Are your tits real hard?
Could you use them as a guard?
Do your nipples poke through
your pink leotard?
When its wet and cold
do they stand out proud and bold
Are your tits real hard?

Do your tits have hair?
Do people stop and stare
when you wear a french braid
down to your underwear?
Do people think your breasts
are like your father's chest?
Do your tits have hair?

Are your tits really real?
Did it take them long to heal?
Are they silicone
or saline filled?
Do the boys hearts race
when you shake them in their face?
Are your tits really real?

If your tits are teeny weenie
or too big for your bikini
no matter how they look
no matter how they feel
be glad that you got_em
cuz you know the boys will want'em
- Your TITS TITS TITS

DOES YOUR BUM HANG LOW?
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Melody - Sailor's Hornpipe
(sing basic verse, substituting two lines marked with * for each new verse, as for Do Your Balls Hang Low, above)

Does your bum hang low,
Can you swing it to and fro,
Can you tie it in a knot,
Can you tie it in a bow?
* Is it big and pink and round,
* Does it sag right to the ground?
Can you do the double shuffle
When your bum hangs low?

Does it dangle, does it droop,
And obstruct you when you poop?

Does your droopy, draggy arse,
Plough deep furrows in the grass?

Does your bum reach to your feet,
Can you use it for a seat?

Do you carry round your tail-end,
On a barrow, cart, or trailer?

Does your bottom flop and sag,
Like an overstuffed bean-bag?

Is it pendulous and pink,
Does your bottom always stink?

DON'T CRY, LADY
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Melody - Good Night, Ladies
Contributed by ZiPpY

Chorus:
Don't cry lady. I'll buy your goddam violets,
Dont' cry lady. Your pencils too.
Don't cry lady. Take off those colored glasses
Hello mother, I knew it was you.

Hooray, hooray, my father's gonna get shot.
Hooray, hooray, that dirty drunken sot.
For he was very mean to me when I was just a tot,
Hooray, they're gonna shoot my father, so (chorus)

Hooray, hooray, my uncle's gonna get hung.
Hooray, hooray, that dirty drunken bum.
For he was very mean to me when I was very young,
Hooray, they're gonna hang my uncle, so (chorus)

Hooray, hooray, my brother's gonna get hurt.
Hooray, hooray, that dirty sex pervert.
For he was very mean to me when I was just a squirt,
Hooray, they're gonna hurt my brother, so (chorus)

Hooray, hooray, my cousin's gonna get destroyed.
Hooray, hooray, that no good anthropoid.
For he would always try me on the things he'd read in Freud,
Hooray, they're gonna wreck my cousin, so (chorus)

ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN
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Melody - Same

What do you do,
If you want to do a poo?
In an English Country Garden.

Pull down your pants,
And suffocate the ants.
In an English Country Garden.

Then get some grass,
And wipe it up your ass.
In an English Country Garden.

Then get a leaf,
And wipe your underneath.
In an English Country Garden.

Then get a spade,
And bury what you made.
In an English Country Garden.

That's what you do,
If you want to do a poo,
In an English Country Garden.

THE FART
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Melody - Mademoiselle from Armentieres
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of eighty-two,
Did a fart but missed the loo, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down the street,
Knocked a copper off his feet, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous,
The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous,
The copper got out his rusty pistol,
Shot the fart from here to Bristol, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous,
Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous,
Bristol Rovers playing at home,
Kicked the fart from here to Rome, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous,
Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous,
Julius Caesar drinking gin,
Opened his gob and the fart went in, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down his spine,
Knocked his ballocks out of line, inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

THE FARTING CONTEST
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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale,
Whilst others whose arseholes are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd,
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band:
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place,
Though she'd ovten been placed in the deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church,
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart,
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss,
She took up her place with her arse opened wide,
But unluckily shit and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers."

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."

FOLLOW THE BAND
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Melody - ???

My girlfriend is a lawyer, is a lawyer, is a lawyer
A mighty fine lawyer is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And at night she comes home and fucks me

Chorus:
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band with your gland in your hand
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way

Additional verses:
Glassblower/blows glass/blows me
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me
Nurse/takes temps/takes me
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine
Baker/kneads bread/needs me
Dancer/does steps/does me
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me
Pimp/beats whores/beats me
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me
Postman/stuffs boxes/stuffs me
Student/fucks off/fucks me
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me
Dentist/drills you/drills me
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me

My girlfriend is a prostitute, a prostitute, a prostitute
And a mighty fine prostitute is she
All day long she fucks you, she fucks you, she fucks you
And when she comes home she goes to sleep.
(chorus)

GET FUCKED
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By Bollox, Phuket HHH

When I was just a young boy I had to go to school
I didn't like the teachers and I couldn't stand their rules
My mother said "Speak nicely son then you won't get whacked"
But every time the teacher spoke I would answer back

CHORUS:
Get fucked, get fucked, you can go get fucked
And if you think I give a shit then you are out of luck
I could search for big long words for ages I could hunt
But I'd rather be done with it so get fucked you silly cunt

Then along came a war and to the army I did go
One day I was called to the office to see the new C.O.
He said "The mission's dangerous but we need the very best
And if you should come back alive we'll pin a medal on your chest"
I said...

Then I had to go to work and by Christ it was hard
Twelve hours a day pushing broom around a lorry yard
The boss said "We're in a mess there's only one way I can see
You'll have to do some overtime an hour a day for free"
I said...

Well I was sick of the missus so I asked her for divorce
She must have been sick of me because she said "Of course"
She said "I'll keep the TV, the house, the kids, the car
And I'll hold your money so you don't spend it in the bar"
I said...

Now I'm here in Houston running with the hash
I've come a long way to be here and I paid registration cash
But if you think you can abuse me because of my silly face
Then I have two words to say and this is the time and place
You can...

They say it comes to us all so one day I must die
Then I will have to stand before the GM in the sky
He'll say "You're a Phuket hasher you sinned every Saturday
Before you get the big down-down is there anything you want to say"
I'll say...

GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION
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Melody - Same
Also known as "The Pagan Song"

We will follow Zarathustra,
Zarathustra like we used ta,
I'm a Zarathustra boosta,
And he's good enough for me!

CHORUS:
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
'Cause it's good enough for me!

We will worship with the Buddha,
Among gods, there is no one cute-a,
Comes in silver, brass, and pewta,
And he's good enough for me!

We will worship with the Druids,
Dancing naked in the woods,
Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And it's good enough for me!

We will pray with the Egyptians,
Build pyramids to put our crypts in,
Cover our subways with inscriptions,
And it's good enough for me!

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
She's a mighty religious sightie,
And she's good enough for me!

We will pray to Father Zeus,
In his temple we'll hang loose,
Eating roast beef au jus,
And that's good enough for me.

We will worship Sun Myung Moon,
Though we know he is a goon,
All our money he'll have soon,
And that's good enough for me.

We will go down to the temple,
Sit on mats woven of hemp(le),
Try to set a good exemple [sic],
And that's good enough for me.

If it's good enough for Dagon,
That conservative old pagan,
Who still votes for Ronald Reagan,
It's good enough for me

We will have a mighty orgy,
In the honor of Astarte,
It will be one helluva party,
And it's good enough for me.

We will sacrifice to Yuggoth,
Carve the signs of Azag-Thoth,
Burn a candle for Yog-Sothoth,
And the Goat with a thousand young.

We will all be saved by Mithras,
We will all be saved by Mithras,
Slay the bull and play the zithras,
On that resurrection day.

We will all bow down to Enlil,
We will all bow down to Enlil,
Pass your cup and get a refill,
With bold Gilgamesh the Brave.

It was good enough for Loki,
It was good enough for Loki,
He thinks Thor's a little hokey,
And he's good enough for me.

We will all go to Nirvana,
So be sure to mind your manners,
Make a left turn at Savannah,
And we'll see the Promised Land.

It was good for old Jehova,
He had a son who was a nova,
Hey there, Mithras move on ova',
A new resurrection day.

Where's the hash gong? I can't find it,
I think Black Flag is behind it,
For he's always been cymbal minded,
And that's good enough for me.

I hear Valkyries a-comin',
In the air their song is comin',
They forgot the words they're hummin',
Yet they're good enough for me.

There are people into voodoo,
Africa has raised a whoodo,
Just one little doll will do you,
And it's good enough for me.

It was good for Thor and Odin,
Grab an axe and get your woad on,
Till the Giants went and rode in,
And it's good enough for me.

It was good enough for Odin,
Though the croakin' was forbodin',
Until the giants road in,
And it's good enough for me

If your rising sign is Aries,
You'll be taken by the faeries,
Meet the Buddha in Benares,
Where he'll hit you with a pie.

There will be a lot of lovin',
When we're gathered in our coven,
Quit your pushin' and your shovin',
So there'll be room enough for me.

There are followers of Conan,
And you'll never hear 'em groaning,
Followed Crom up to his throne (in),
And it's good enough for me.

It could be that you're a Parsi,
It could be that you're a Parsi,
Walk on by her; you'll get in free,
And you're good enough for me.

Azathoth is in his Chaos,
Azathoth is in his Chaos,
Now if only he don't sway us,
Then that's good enough for me.

Just like Carlos Casteneda,
Just like Carlos Casteneda,
It'll get you sooner or later,
And it's good enough for me.

We will venerate Bubastes,
We will venerate Bubastes,
If you like us then just ask us,
And that's good enough for me.

We will all sing Hari Krishna,
We will all sing Hari Krishna,
It's not mentioned in the mishna,
But that's good enough for me.

We will read from the Cabala,
Quote the Tree of Life mandala,
It won't get you in Valhalla,
Yet it's good enough for me.

It's the opera written for us,
We will all join in the chorus,
It's the opera about Boris,
Which is Godunov for me.

There is room enough in Hades,
For lots of criminals and shadies,
And disreputable ladies,
And they're good enough for me.

To the tune of Handel's "Largo,"
We will hymn the gods of cargo,
'Til they slap on an embargo,
And that's good enough for me.

Praise to Popacatapetl,
Just a tiny cigarette'll,
Put him in terrific fettle,
So he's good enough for me.

We will drive up to Valhalla,
Riding Beetles, not Impalas,
Singing "Deutschland Uber Alles,"
And that's good enough for me.

We will all bow to Hephaestus,
As a blacksmith he will test us,
'Cause his balls are pure asbestos,
So he's good enough for me.

We will sing of Iluvatur,
Who sent the Valar 'cross the water,
To lead Morgoth to the slaughter,
And that's just fine with me.

We will sing of Foul the Render,
Who's got Drool Rockworm on a bender,
In his cave in Kiril Threndor -
They're both too much for me.

We will sing the Jug of Issek,
And of Fafhrd his chief mystic,
Though to thieving Mouser will stick,
And that's good enough for me.

Of Lord Shardik you must beware,
To please him you must swear;
'Cause enraged he's a real Bear,
And that's good enough for me.

You can dance and wave the thyrsos,
And sing lots of rowdy verses,
Till the neighbors holler curses,
And that's good enough for me.

Let us celebrate Jehovah,
Who created us \ab/ \ova/,
He'll be on tonight on Nova,
'Cause he's good enough for me.

Montezuma used to start out,
He would rip a certain part out,
You would really eat your heart out,
And he's good enough for me.

We will go to worship Zeus,
Though his morals are quite loose,
He gave Leda quite a goose,
And he's good enough for me.

It was good enough for Loki,
For he is the god of Chaos,
And this verse doesn't even rhyme, or scan.
Fuck you! It's good enough for me.

Let us sing to old Discordia,
'Cause it's sure she's never bored ya,
And if she's good enough for ya,
Then she's good enough for me.

We will go to worship Venus,
Though we hear she's kind of mean (us),
She might bite you on the - elbow,
But she's good enough for me.

Well, we went to worship Venus,
And, by god, you should have seen us,
'Cause the clinic had to screen us,
But she's good enough for me.

We will go and worship Isis,
She will help us in a crisis,
And she'll never raise her prices,
So she's good enough for me.

We will sing a song of Mithras,
Let us sing a song of Mithras,
But there is no rhyme for Mithras!
Still he's good enough for me.

We will go to worship Kali,
She will help us in our folly,
She'd be quite an armful, golly!
And she's good enough for me.

We will all bow down to Allah,
For he gave his loyal follow-
Ers the mighy petro-dollah,
And that's good enough for me.

Let us sing to Lord Cthuhlu,
Don't let Lovecraft try to fool you,
Or the Elder Gods WILL rule you,
And that's good enough for me.

Let us watch Ka.ka.pa.ull,
Frolic in her swimming pool,
Subjecting chaos to her rule,
And that's all right with me.

Let's all listen up to Jesus,
He says rich folks like old Croesus,
Will be damned until Hell freezes,
And that don't sound good to me.

Let us do our thing for Eris,
Goddess of the discord there is,
Apple's golden, it's not ferrous,
and that's good enough for me.

Of the Old Ones, none is vaster,
Even Cthulhu's not his master,
I refer to the unspeakable - - - *
And that's good enough for me.
*well, do YOU want to say it?

Let us sing for Brooharia,
Though the blood's a lot less cleaner,
It's not Christian Santaria,
So it's good enough for me

Timmy Leary we will sing to,
And the things that he was into,
(Well, at least it wasn't Shinto),
And that's good enough for me.

We shall sacrifice to Otis,
and Lotus, Spode, and Rotus,
Though the normals may not notice,
It will be good enough for me.

Then we'll worship with the Fruitcakes,
(better than those Buddhist flakes),
Bowing for the weekly keepsake,
And it will be good enough for me.

GOOD SHIP VENUS
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Melody - North Atlantic Squadron

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed,
And the mast was the Captain's penis.

CHORUS:
Frigging on the rigging,
Wanking on the planking,
Masturbating on the grating,
There's fuck all else to do.

The Captain's wife was Mabel,
Whenever she was able,
She gave the crew their daily screw,
Upon the galley table,

The cabin boy's name was Kipper,
A cunning little nipper,
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

The ladies of the nation
Arose in indignation,
They stuffed his bum with chewing gum,
A smart retaliation.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
We fairly bowled him over,
(The whole crew did him over,)
We ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover.

The First Mate's name was Hopper,
By Christ, he had a whopper,
Twice round his neck, once round the deck,
And up his ass for a stopper.

The Captain's randy daughter,
She fell into the water,
Delighted squeals revealed that eels,
Had found her sexual quarter.

'Twas on the China Station,
To roars of approbation,
We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk,
By mutual masturbation.

The Second Mate's name was Carter,
By God, he was a farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go,
We'd get Carter the farter to start her.

The cook whose name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He served the crew with menstrual stew,
And foreskins fried in semen.

The Captain of that lugger,
By Christ, he was a bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
From one ship to another.

The Third Mate's name was Wiggun,
By God, he had a big 'un,
We bashed that cock with lump of rock
For friggin in the riggin.

The next Mate's name was Andy,
By God, that man was randy,
We boiled his bum in red-hot rum,
For coming in the brandy.

The Fourth Mate's name was Morgan,
A homosexual Gorgon,
A dozen crow in rows could pose,
Upon his sexual organ,

On the trip to Buenos Aires,
We rogered all the fairies,
We got the syph at Tenneriffe,
And a dose of clap in the Canaries.

Another cook was O'Mally,
He didn't dilly dally,
He shot his bolt with a hell of a jolt,
And whitewashed half the galley.

The Captain was elated,
The Crew investigated,
The found some sand in his prostrate gland,
He had to be castrated.

Another Mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball,
But with that cracker he'd roll terbaccer,
Around the cabin wall.

The Boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester,
Through hymens thick he'd shove his prick
And leave it there to fester.

The engineer was McTavish,
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing tool's at Istanbul,
He was a trifle lavish.

A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been warser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled, "Oh, no sir."
'Twas in the Adriatic,
Where the water's almost static,
The rise and fall of arse and ball,
Was almost automatic.

The ship's cat's name was Hippy,
His hole was black and shitty,
But shit or not it had a twat,
The Captain showed no pity.

So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material,
We wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.

HALLELUJAH, I'M A BUM
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Melody - Hallelujah, I'm a Bum

Oh, why don't you work like other men do?
How the hell can I work when there's no work to do?

CHORUS:
Hallelujah, I'm a bum,
Hallelujah, bum again.
Hallelujah, give us a handout
To revive us again.

Springtime is here and I'm just out of jail,
The whole winter in without any tail.

I went to a house and I knocked on the door,
My cock sticking straight out, my balls on the floor.

I asked for a piece of bread and some food,
The lady said, "Bum, you will eat when I'm screwed."

When I left that lady, my cock it was sore,
My belly was full, her ass it was tore.

I went to another and I asked her for bread,
She emptied the peepot all over my head.

Be happy and glad for the springtime has come,
We'll throw down our shovels and go on the bum.

HAPPY WANK SONG
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Melody - Happy Talk (from South Pacific)
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

Happy, happy, happy, happy wank,
Nice girls wear their pubes in a fringe,
If you don't have a crow,
You got to have a crow,
How you gonna make wet dreams come true?

HAS ANYBODY SEEN J. C.?
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Melody - Has Anybody Seen My Gal?

Five foot nine; He's divine,
Says He comes from Palestine,
Has anybody seen J. C.?

Well, if you run into a five foot Jew,
Covered with thorns,
Holes in His hands, spear in His side,
Man, that Cat's been crucified!

Five foot nine; He's divine;
Changes water into wine,
Hash anybody seen J. C.?

Well, if you run into a five foot Jew,
Covered with thorns,
Holes in His hands, spear in His side,
Man, that Cat's been crucified!

Well, He is camp, He is cool,
He will walk across your swimming pool,
Has anybody seen J. C.?

HI HO! HI HO! IT'S OFF TO THE BURLESQUE SHOW
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Melody - Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to Work We Go

Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to the burlesque show,
We'll sit up front,
To see their cunts,
Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi Ho Ho Ho Ho . . .

OTHER VERSES:
At half past eight, we'll masturbate
They're small on wits, but big on tits
We'll drop our drawers, and fuck some whores
I paid my buck, now where's my fuck
From ten till eight, we'll fornicate

HUMORESQUE
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Melody - Humoresque
This is not all one song, but rather a collection of verses that go to the melody of Dvorak's Humoresque, collected from several sources, including ZiPpy, Mu-Sick, and Ed Cray

I love to go out after dark
And goose the statues in the park,
A lovely pastime at the close of day!
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While WHOOPS! it's me that gets the thrill.
It really is a lovely way to play.

I've noticed lately
They stand so stately,
Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground.
I sometimes tease them
And do displease them,
If I fail to show up as the sun goes down.

The Thinker is the only one
With whom I can have no fun.
He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse.
Napoleon sits upon his steed,
I cannot goose him, no indeed,
And so instead I goose his horse.

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.
We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station,
Moonlight always makes me think of you.

If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow,
There is only one thing you can do.
You'll just have to take a chance,
Be brave and do it in your pants,
But I'll forgive you, darling, I love you.

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.
If you have to pass some water,
Kindly call the Pullman Porter.
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule.

If this method is in vain,
You may break a window pane.
This novel method's used by very few.
Tramps and hobos underneath
May catch it in the nose and teeth.
And they may bite off more than they can chew.

Mabel, Mabel, strong and able,
Get your big ass off the table,
Don't you know the quarter is for beer?
You can always earn your pay,
But make your tips another way,
And I'll forgive you, darling, I love you!

Ever since you met our Nelly,
She's had trouble with her belly,
Wish you'd never seen our little town!
Ever since I met your Venus,
I've had trouble with my penis,
Wish I'd never seen your little town.

Was it you who did the pushin',
Put the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Was it your sly woodpecker
That got into my girl Rebecca?
If it was, you better leave this town.

It was I who did the pushin',
Put the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I got into your daughter,
I've had trouble passing water,
Now I guess we're even all around.

I WANT TO PLAY PIANO
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Melody - ???
From the songbook of the 43rd Tactical Fighter Squadron, Elmendorf A.F.B., Alaska

I want to play piano in a whorehouse,
That's my one desire.
Take your ranches, and your banks, and your gold mine out in Butte,
I just want to play piano in a house of ill-repute.

You may laugh at this my humble avocation,
But carnal copulation's here to stay.
I don't want worlds of riches, just want to play for those old bitches,
I want to play a piano in a whorehouse.

I'LL TAKE THE LEFT LEG
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Melody - Loch Lomond
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

CHORUS:
I'll take the left leg and you take the right leg,
It's my turn to give her the caber.
'Cause me and my true love have never been the same,
Since I shared her with the next door neighbor.

When the Lord and his band were shaping up this land,
They found that they have left over,
A pile of useless crap on the left side of the map,
That they'd hacked out of the White Cliffs of Dover.

Angel Gabriel scratched his head and asked the Lord instead,
"What can we name this wretched land so mean, Sire?"
"Ooch, Gabe, call it what ye will, maybe Largs or Motherwell;
No, on second thought we'll call it Aberdeenshire."

Now there was me and Auntie Annie, Cousin Jock and dear old Granny,
And we'd all had a roll in the heather,
'Cause we come from Braemar, and we'll not forget that our,
Family motto is, "We're all queers together."

Now the old goat died around Eastertide,
So Jock rammed the bloody coal scuttle up her,
He threw her on to boil, then he topped her off with soil,
And served her up as haggis supper.

When a visiting rugby team took a whore from Aberdeen,
To agree on a price took an eternity,
But she took them without a fuss and had triplets on the bus,
And sued them for collective paternity.

Now wee Ronnie teaches pipes to girls of all types,
His methods are revelation,
Just cut your bloody banter, get your mouth 'round my chanter,
And I'll complete your education.

Now in Burn's magic prose, a Scottish girl is like a rose,
My lass was more like Ben Nevis when I found her.
Her southern slopes were gray, half the nation knew the way,
And the Hash had run up and down her.

INCONTINENCE IS THE SHITS
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Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys
What the hell, if ZiPpy can spawn bastard children from Bestiality's Best, so can I . . .F.B.

CHORUS:
Incontinence is the shits, mates,
Incontinence is the shits - OOPS, TOO LATE!
Incontinence is the shits, mates,
Incontinence is the shits.

Soil your pants at the dance, boys,
Soil your pants at the dance - INCONTINENCE!
Soil your pants at the dance, boys,
Soil your pants at the dance, 'cause . . .

OTHER VERSES:
Move your bowel on her towel, boys
Drop a load on the road, boys
Take a whiz in your sleep, girls
Spend a penny in your teddie, girls
Go wee wee in the laundry, girls
Wet your panties at Auntie's, girls
Piddle right down your middle, boys
Crap right in your wrap, girls
Relieve yourself in a crowd, mates
Make poo poo in your shoe, boys
Smell like piss at the Ritz, girls
Smell like stool at your school, boys
Wear Depends on your ends, mates
Put a catheter up your peter, boys
Wear rubber undies on Sundays, girls
Be all a-drip on a ship, mates
Make a piddle while you diddle, boys
Public diarrhea in the cafeteria, boys
Make a stink at the skating rink, girls

IRIAN JAYA
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Melody - Mull of Kintyre
By M. Hanson, City HHH, Singapore

Far have I traveled and much have I seen,
Had blow jobs from Bancis and fucked things obscene,
Been crippled by herpes and things far more dire,
But if you want a blow job go to Irian Jaya.

CHORUS:
Irian Jaya,
To be gobbled by natives is what I desire,
They practice on blowpipes in Irian Jaya.

Been rogered in Rio and poked in Peru,
Been massaged in Manila and then had a screw,
Been fucked in Llanelli by a Welsh male boys' choir,
But for the height of perversion go to Irian Jaya.

Met a girl in the jungle with a bone through her nose,
Cunt like a mantrap and strong I suppose,
Bush like a yardbroom that's made out of wire,
So be careful of pussy in Irian Jaya.

Oh the skirt she was wearing was made out of grass,
It only just covered her sweet little ass,
I felt an erection getting higher and higher,
As I followed that lady from Irian Jaya.

She put down her basket, took hold of my tool,
Pulled back the foreskin and started to drool,
Curled her lips round it, and sir I'm no liar,
They still have headhunters in Irian Jaya.

IT'S THE SAME THE WHOLE WORLD OVER
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Melody - Oh, My Darlin' Clementine
She was just a poor man's daughter,
Victim of the rich man's whim,
For he fucked her and he left her,
With a sore and bleeding quim.

CHORUS:
It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor what get the blame,
It's the rich what get the pleasure,
Ain't it all a fucking shame.

Oh, she went up to the city,
For to hide her bleeding shame,
But a Labour leader up and fucked her,
Put her on the street again.

See him in the House of Commons,
Passing laws to combat crime,
While the victim of his evil,
Walks the streets at night in shame.

See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his whoring,
Drinks her gin inside a pub.

See him riding in his carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage,
While she wrings her ringless hands.

See him at the fine theater,
In the front row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined,
Entertains a sordid guest.

See her on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing snowballs at the moon,
She said, "Sir, I've never had it,"
But she spoke too fucking soon.

Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Picking blackheads from her crotch,
She said, "Sir, I've never had it,"
He said, "No, not fucking much."

See her stand in Picadilly,
Offering her aching quim,
She is now completely ruined,
It was all because of him.

See him seated in his carriage,
Riding homeward from the hunt,
He got riches from his marriage,
She got sores upon her cunt.

Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing cunt-rags at the moon,
First a scream, a splash, oh goodness!
Has she done a fucking swoon?

When they dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes they wrung,
And they thought that she had drowned,
Till her corpse got up and sung (the chorus).

I WISH I WAS IN ENGLAND
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Melody - Dixie

I wish I was in England,
I do, I do,
I'd go down to Trafalgar Square,
To see Lord Nelson's statue,
Get fucked! Get fucked! You one-armed pommie bastard!

I wish I was in Sydney,
I do, I do,
The finest town in all the world,
Except for one small problem,
The place! Is full! Of fucking Aussie bastards!

I wish I was in Paris,
I do, I do,
I'd go down to the Moulin Rouge,
To see the Can-Can dancers,
Get off! Get off! Get off your Froggie panties!

I wish I was in Vegas,
I do, I do,
I'd go down the MGM,
To see Siegfried and Roy,
Poof off! Poof off! Poof off, you bloody homos!

I wish I was in Tucson,
I do, I do,
I'd go down to Pantano Wash,
To hash in sand and cactus,
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off, you jHavelinas!

JONESTOWN
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Melody - Downtown
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

When you are broke and your religion's a joke,you can always go
to - Jonestown!
When life's incomplete there's only one man to meet, so won't you come and see - Jim Jones!
Watch him as he stirs the vat of Koolaid that's so lethal,
Listen to the anguished crys of all his dying people - no one survives!
The Rev's a most gracious host, so let's lift up our glass to the ultimate toast, we're at - Jonestown!
Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown! - the chances are mighty slim - Jonestown! - the people are dropping like flies.
Jonestown - Jonestown - Jonestown - Jonestown. . .

There was Congressman Ryan on his mission of spying but he would not drink with - Jim Jones!
For such a disgrace they had to blow off his face, now tell me who's to blame - Jim Jones!
But it forced the Rev to put his final plan in action,
He drank the brew and when it's through he saw with satisfaction - everyone died!
The deaths were both painful and slow, but to live or die, it's a great way to go, we're at - Jonestown!
Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown! - the chances are mighty slim - Jonestown! - the people are dropping like flies. Jonestown - Jonestown - Jonestown - Jonestown . . .

JUNIOR BIRDMEN
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Melody - Itself

Up in the air, junior birdmen,
Into the air, upside down,
Up in the air, junior birdmen,
With your assholes to the ground.

And when you hear the grand announcement,
That your wings are made of tin,
Then you will know junior birdmen,
Have sent their boxtops in.

For it takes five boxtops,
Four bottle-bottoms,
Three wrappers,
Two labels,
And one thin dime . . .
Ratta-ta-taaa . . .

LEAVER'S SONG
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Melody - Annie's Song
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

CHORUS:
You're leaving Jakarta, you silly old farter,
Your best days are over, you're ready to go.
Your wrinkles are showing, your beer belly is growing,
Your semen's stopped flowing, you're all clapped out now.

You abandoned your wife, in favor of night life,
You screwed till the morning, then came back for more.
Even your maid was willing, to sample your drilling,
But now your bit's broken, they've shown you the door.

We marvel to witness, your standard of fitness,
You suffered no ailments, not even a cough.
But from self-abuse, and living so loose,
Your extremity's withered, and your balls have dropped off.

You came full of purpose, but now you are surplus,
You were full of ideas, you were at the forefront.
Now your skills are outdated, your job's automated,
You're now on the scrap heap, you stupid old cunt.

THE LEHIGH VALLEY
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Melody - Red River Valley
According to Ed Cray in "The Erotic Muse", the original of this hobo song was a parlor song used in an 1882 play. The first known printed version dates to 1912 and was sung to the tune of Red River Valley

Don't look at me that way, stranger,
I didn't shit in your seat.
I just come down from the mountains
With my balls all covered with sleet.

I've been up in the Lehigh Valley,
Me and my old pal, Lou,
A-pimpin' for a whorehouse
And a God damned good one too.

It was there that I first fucked Nell;
She was the village belle.
I was only a lowdown panderer
But I loved that girl like hell.

But along came a city slicker,
All handsome, gay and rich,
And he stole away my Nellie,
That stinking son-of-a-bitch.

I'm just restin' my ass a moment,
And then I'm on my way.
I'll hunt the runt that swiped my cunt
If it takes till Judgement Day.

LIFE PRESENTS A DISMAL PICTURE (Two Versions)
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Version # 1 Melody - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
Version # 2 Melody - Oh, My Darlin' Clementine
The first version of this fine old standard is included in many hash songbooks. The second version, titled "Hymn," comes from Dennis "Mu-Sick" Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida

Life presents a dismal picture,
Dark and dreary as the tomb,
Father's got urethral stricture,
Mother's got a prolapsed womb.
Uncle James has been deported
For a homosexual crime,
Nell, our maid, has just aborted
For the forty-second time.

Ours is not a happy household -
No one laughs or ever smiles,
Mine's a dismal occupation,
Crushing ice for Grandpa's piles.
Jane the under-housemaid vomits
Every morning just at eight,
To the horror of the butler,
Who's the author of her fate.

Auntie Kate has diarrhea,
Shits ten times more than she ought;
Stands all day beside the rear,
Lest she should be taken short.
Grandpa, lurking in the woodshed,
Found a fetus in a case;
Father Pryke says it's murder -
Of sister Annie there's no trace.

Uncle Charlie has a chancre,
Caught from Uncle Henry's wife;
May's in bed with menstruation,
Auntie's at the change of life.
Mabel's husband's now in prison,
For a childish prank of mine;
Pinching things that wasn't his'n -
Women's scanties off a line.

Dad's a man who likes the bestial,
Incest is my mother's fun,
So the whole four sleep together -
Father, mother, horse, and son.
Anal-oral trends disgust me,
Though pronounced in Tiny Tim,
For I much prefer fellatio -
He sucks me and I suck him.

Little Jim keeps masturbating,
Though we tell him it is sin;
Uncle Dave's the Kingsgrove Slasher,
Uncle Henry dobbed him in.
Still, we must not be down-hearted,
We must not be put about,
Cousin Susie has just farted -
Turned her arsehole inside out!

Guide me oh my great Jehovah,
Pilgrim in this barren land,
We are meek, but thou art mighty,
Guide us with thy powerful hand.
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
Feed us till we want no more,
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
Feed us till we want no more.

Always eat when you are hungry,
Always drink when you are dry,
Always sleep when you are tired,
Don't stop breathing or you'll die.
Bread's from commissary, milk Magnolia,
Cold beer from San Miguel,
Bread's from commissary, milk Magnolia,
Cold beer from San Miguel.

Life presents a dismal picture,
From the cradle to the tomb,
Father's got an anal stricture,
Mother's got a fallen womb.
Fallen womb, fallen womb,
Mother's got a fallen womb,
Fallen womb, fallen womb,
Mother's got a fallen womb.

Sister Sue has been aborted,
For the forty-second time,
Brother Bill has been reported,
For a homosexual crime.
For a homo, for a homo,
For a homosexual crime,
For a homo, for a homo,
For a homosexual crime.

Grandpa hardly ever laughs now,
Fact, he never even smiles,
For his only occupation's,
Crushing ice for Grandpa's piles.
Crushing ice, crushing ice,
Crushing ice for Grandpa's piles,
Crushing ice, crushing ice,
Crushing ice for Grandpa's piles.

In a small brown paper parcel,
Wrapped in a mysterious way,
Is an imitation rectum,
Grandpa uses twice each day.
Uses twice, uses twice,
Uses twice each day,
Uses twice, uses twice,
Uses twice each day.

Never ever be down-hearted,
Never be fucked all about,
Brother Tom has only farted,
Turned his asshole inside out.
Turned his asshole, turned his asshole,
Turned his asshole inside out,
Turned his asshole, turned his asshole,
Turned his asshole inside out.

Even now the baby's started,
Having epileptic fits,
Every time it coughs it spews,
Every time it spews it shits.
Every time, every time.
Every time it spews it shits,
Every time, every time.
Every time it spews it shits.

LITTLE BIT OFF THE TOP
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Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

When I was eight days old, me boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
When I was eight days old, me boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
The rabbi came with a big sharp knife,
And I surely thought he'd take my life,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.

Oh, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
Oh, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
And if the rabbi should happen to miss,
It surely makes for an interesting piss,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.

The rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
The rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
And over me he sure did toil,
I thought that I'd end up a goil,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.

Oh, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
Oh, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
But every morning and every night,
You aim to the left and pee to the right,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.

THE LITTLE RED TRAIN
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Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home

A little red train came down the track,
She blew, she blew,
A little red train came down the track,
She blew, she blew,
A little red train came down the track,
And I don't give a damn if she never comes back,
Away she blew, oh Jesus, how she blew.

The engineer was at the throttle . . .
A-jacking off in a whiskey bottle . . .

The fireman, he was shoveling coal . . .
Right up the engineer's asshole . . .

The switchman, he was at the switch . . .
A-swishing away like a son of a bitch . . .

A blonde was in the dining car . . .
A-puffing away on a black cigar . . .

A porter was waiting in the car . . .
To take the place of the black cigar . . .

The flagman he stood out in the grass . . .
The staff of the flag run up his ass . . .

MOBILE
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Melody - She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain
(Take turns leading verses)

Oh the eagles they fly high in Mobile, in Mobile,
Oh the eagles they fly high in Mobile,
Oh the eagles they fly high,
And they shit right in your eye,
Thank the Lord that cows don't fly,
In Mobile.

CHORUS:
In Mobile, in Mobile,
In Mo, in Mo, in Mobile,
A-a-sshole, a-a-sshole, a-a-a-sshole.

There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Mobile, in Mobile,
There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Mobile,
There's a girl by the name of Dinah,
Who thinks there's nothing finer,
Than a prick up her vagina,
In Mobile.

Oh the vicar is a bugger in Mobile, etc
And the curate is another,
And they bugger one another,
In Mobile.

There's a shortage of bog paper in Mobile, etc
So they wait until it vapors,
Then they light it with a taper,
In Mobile.

If you're ever thrown in jail in Mobile, etc
Well there's no need for bail,
'Cause the sheriff's wife's for sale,
In Mobile.

Oh the Hashers get no tail in Mobile, etc
So for want of recreation, they indulge in masturbation,
It's a hell of a situation,
In Mobile.

Oh there's a brand-new lighthouse in Mobile, etc
Which the birds use for a shit-house,
Now the lighthouse is a white house,
In Mobile.

There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobile, etc
So they wait until it clogs,
Then they saw it up in logs,
In Mobile.

There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile, etc
Who thought he had a cunt,
But his balls were back to front,
In Mobile.

There's a man by the name of West in Mobile, etc
Who thought he had a breast,
But his balls were on his chest,
In Mobile.

Oh the girls they wear tin undies in Mobile, etc
And they take them off on Sundays,
You should see the boys on Mondays,
In Mobile.

There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile, etc
But there's keyholes in the doors,
And there's knotholes in the floors,
In Mobile.

Oh the parson is perverted in Mobile, etc
And his morals are inverted,
There's a thousand he's converted,
In Mobile.

Frenchies are in short supply in Mobile, etc
And that's the reason why,
You'll see them hanging out to dry,
In Mobile.

The virgins they are rare in Mobile, etc
When they get their pubic hair,
They're deflowered by the mayor,
In Mobile.

Oh the girls they wear tin pants in Mobile, etc
And they take them off to dance,
All the fellows get a chance,
In Mobile.

There's a lad named Dirty Danny in Mobile, etc
And he likes a bit of fanny,
And he gets if off of granny,
In Mobile.

There's a bastard named Mercator in Mobile, etc
Who's the greatest fornicator,
Masturbator, cunt-inflater,
In Mobile.

There's a girl with no ambition in Mobile, etc
And when she isn't wishin', she gets it in the kitchen,
From the local obstetrician,
In Mobile.

Oh men of drinking classes in Mobile, etc
When you've finished with your glasses,
You can shove them up your asses,
In Mobile.

Oh the chemists are the key men in Mobile, etc
Selling dehydrated semen,
To emasculated he-men,
In Mobile.

Oh the privates wash the dishes in Mobile, etc
And they dry them on their britches,
Oh the dirty sons of bitches,
In Mobile.

Oh the sergeant is a bugger in Mobile, etc
And the corporal is another,
And they bugger one another,
In Mobile.

Oh they drink their whisky neat in Mobile, etc
Till it drops them off their feet,
And they cannot get a beat,
In Mobile.

Oh I chased the colonel's daughter in Mobile, etc
And I shagged her when I caught her,
Now the daughter's got a daughter,
In Mobile.

Oh, the cows they are all dead in Mobile, etc
So they milk the bulls instead,
'Cause the bastards must be fed,
In Mobile.

MOONSHADOW (OKINAWA HHH PERENNIAL)

Melody - Moonshadow
(Two to three hashers required, one bareassed)

I'm being followed by a moonshadow,
Moonshadow, moonshadow, etc . . .

MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN
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Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
(Take turns leading verses)

My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes illicit gin,
My sister sells kisses to sailors,
My God how the money rolls in.

CHORUS:
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in.

My mother's a bawdy house keeper,
Each night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.

My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, sharp, and thin,
He only does one operation,
My God how the money rolls in.

Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business in holes and in tin,
He'll plug up your hole for a tenner,
My God how the money rolls in.

My brother's a slum missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin,
He'll save you a blonde for a dollar,
My God how the money rolls in.

My Grandad sells cheap prophylactics,
He punctures the teats with a pin,
For Grandma gets rich off abortions,
My God how the money rolls in.

My sister's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she'll strip to the skin,
She's stripping from morning till midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.

My aunt keeps a girl's seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin,
She doesn't say where they will finish,
My God how the money rolls in.

I've shares in the very best companies,
In tramways, tobacco, and tin,
And brothels in Rio de Janeiro,
My God how the money rolls in.

My brother Jim whittles out candles,
From wax that is exceptionally soft,
He says it will come in real handy,
If ever his business falls off.

MY SOMBRERO
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Melody - Aye, Aye, Aye, Aye
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

My sister Belinda, she pissed out the winda,
All over my favorite sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you pissed on my hat,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."

Aye, aye, aye, aye, me and my soggy sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat you just pissed on my hat,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."
My sister Margarita, she come all excreta,
And shit in my bessy sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you shit in my hat,"
She said, "I don't give a fuck-er-O."

Aye, aye, aye, aye, me and my shitty sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you just shat in my hat,"
She said, "I don't give a fuck-er-O."

My girlfriend Maria, she's got gonorrhea,
She gave it to me, amigo,
I said, "You fat twat, you gave me the clap,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."

Aye, aye, aye, aye, me and my blobby dickero,
I said, "You fat twat, you just gave me the clap,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."

NIPPLES
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Contributed by PMS of the Seoul Southside HHH
Melody - Ja-Da

Nipples, nipples, N-I-P-P-L-E-S;
Wiggly Jiggly, without you there'd be no breasts!
Lick them, flick them, play with them too,
That's where babies go to get goo!
Oh nipples, nipples,
You're what make the boobies fun!

THE NORTH ATLANTIC SQUADRON
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Melody - The North Atlantic Squadron

CHORUS:
Away, away, with fyfe and drum,
Here we come, full of rum,
Looking for women to pat on the bum
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The firefighters have lots of fire,
They never, never seem to tire
Of pulling their hose, and pulling their wire
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The service police are a bunch of sluts,
They should be hung up by their nuts,
A bunch of hicks from out of the sticks
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

Into the mess we go to sup,
A dirty plate, a dirty cup,
The cooks should fucking well smarten up
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The wireless boys they fly so high,
I wish to hell that they would die,
Their da da dits give us the shits
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

When we were ten miles out to sea
The Pilot started buggery
His only joy was the wireless boy
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The One Six One crew Number Four,
Went out one night to find a whore;
Their only hope was a nanny goat
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

When in Vera Cruz we touched,
We found that Kingston whores were such,
That when open wide you could put inside
The North Atlantic Squadron.

In Newfoundland when it got hot,
We used to fornicate a lot,
Only the fools would be pulling their tools
In the North AtLantic Squadron.

The native girls are all misfits,
They have no teeth, they have no tits,
No wonder they give us the shits
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The sergeants they are on the bit,
Giving tbe ACs lots of shit.
After the war their throats we'll slit
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

In Gaspe it rained all the time,
The sun was never known to shine,
The fog was so thick you could set it in bricks
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The officers they know fuck all,
As up the CO's arse they crawl.
What do they get but sweet fuck all
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The civvies in the Ferry Command
Are always jerking off by hand.
They're the fucking scourge of this fair land
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The Ferry Command from Montreal,
What do they bring but sweet fuck all.
Whatever the date, they're always late
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The American boys we do admire,
They fly through shit and snow and fire,
They never never seem to tire
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

By Ottawa we're really stumped,
You know they are a bunch of cunts;
Their nuts should be nailed to the nearest stump
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

If I had a girl and she were mine
Upon her arse I'd paint a sign-
"Try this for size, it's really fine"
In the North Atlantic Squadron

The works and bricks are a bunch of pricks,
They feed the fire with wood and sticks;
They leave us all in a hell of a fix
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The Northern Electric put up poles;
They should be shoved up their arseholes.
They stay inside when it is cold
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The medical corps are a bunch of whores,
They should be hung up by their drawers.
They give you pills and you shit for hours
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The fucking discips give us the pips,
All of them are full of shit.
From arsehole to breakfast they should be slit
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The dear old WAAFs, I hope they'll come,
And then we'll pat them on the bum;
And in the bushes our work will be done
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

There was a girl from Montreal,
She spread her legs from wall to wall.
With every jump I made her call
For the North Atlantic Squadron.

The RAF are on the bit,
Giving Hitler lots of shit,
And after the war they'll talk about it
And the North Atlantic Squadron.

In Labrador we used to sit,
In the mess and shoot the shit,
With fuckall to do but swallow it
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The boys from stores went out to piss,
Their streams and spray they went amiss-
They said that they could drown with this
The North Atlantic Squadron.

Those MT men are reckless birds,
They roar around like crazy turds.
They smash up trucks with very few words
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The girls of Gaspe town are bags,
They always seem to wear their rags;
And if they don't, their pussy sags
From the North Atlantic Squadron.

A lazy crowd are the bastard clerks,
They piss around like a bunch of jerks.
They fuck around but they never work
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

The aircrew boys they all had chills,
They took some green artillery pills;
They shit from Yarmouth to Gander Hills
In the North Atlantic Squadron.

THE OLD BAZAAR IN CAIRO
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Melody - Unknown

Rice pud, very good, chuck it all about,
We made it in a teapot and couldn't get it out,
So we all took turns at sucking through the spout,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The fishmonger's daughter will lay it on the slab,
You'd better get your skates on, her sole is up for grabs,
She will let you fillet, but you'd better watch the crabs,
At the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The herb-trader's daughter is hot if you like spice,
You won't find her chilli, be sage and take your thyme,
She always yells out 'cumin', she'll pepper up your life,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The camel-trader's daughter will let you have a hump,
Mount her, ride her, drive her any way she comes,
She'll go much faster if you smack her on the rump,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The mule-driver's daughter has a lovely ass,
If you want her tail you can roll her in the grass,
Beat her with your rod and then drive up her pass,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The baccy-seller's daughter will let you have some shag,
Hand-rolled or ready-rubbed, you won't find her a drag,
If your pipe needs reaming, she's better than a fag,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The bankers daughter will open your account,
She welcomes a deposit, whatever the amount,
But want you withdrawal, you'll pay to get it out,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The hasher's daughter is always good for fun,
Never mind the hare, she fucks just like a bunny,
She will always give you a good run for your money,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The blacksmith's daughter will let you use her forge,
You can stoke her furnace if you feel the urge,
Put your irons in her fire if you've got the nerve,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The bar-tender's daughter prefers 'em mild and stout,
She'll give you good head, her measure's never short,
You won't find her bitter when you tip her out,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The clock-maker's daughter will make time for you,
You won't need appointments - any time will do,
If your spring has run down, she'll wind it up for you,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The grocer's daughter is not left on the shelf,
If you like her stock then you can help yourself,
She's open all hours with bonuses as well,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The rug-maker's daughter likes to lay it down,
She spreads her wares out for you upon the ground,
She likes her underfelt and her tassels can be found,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The fur-trader's daughter has a nice bit of fluff,
If you like some beaver, you will love her muff,
Once you've trapped her she likes to be stuffed,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The pilot's daughter lets you in her cockpit,
You will roll with her hand on your joystick,
Sod the mile high club, go for her in-flight service,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The captain's daughter has a navel base that's full,
Of discharged seamen, but there's room for you as well,
She got an honourable discharge from an Admiral,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The undertaker's daughter can always take a stiff,
Let her light your fire or bury you beneath,
If things are looking grave you can get some grief,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

The harness-maker's daughter will let you check her girth,
Climb into her saddle and ride for all you're worth,
You'll never come a cropper, you'll get your money's worth,
In the Old Bazaar in Cairo.

THE OLD IRISH STATE
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Melody - Villikins and His Dinah
Provided by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

I'll sing you a song of the old Irish race,
And the problems these poor people must face.
If you're asked who's got an IQ of 108,
It's the total points scored by the whole Irish state.

CHORUS:
With an urr urr urr, and an arr arr arr arr,
They come from a-near and they come from afar,
To hear our heroes and also to see,
Who am the next one a-going to be.

Now Patrick was screwing for over an hour,
When he stopped and said to his girl in a glower,
"You've got nothing on top and nothing below."
She said, "Get off my back, you silly old crow."

Now Sean was a student at the top of his form,
"What's 4 and 4?" said his mother, when he was at home.
"Seven," he replied - said his father with glee,
"He's such a clever lad, he only missed it by three."

Mrs Riley went shopping for anti-perspirant,
"For my husband," she said, "you know what I want."
"It's the ball type you're after," said the shopgirl, "I think."
"No, for under his armpits is where the bugger do stink."

"The defendant, did he rape you?" said the judge to Anna.
"Yes he did," she replied in her most demure manner.
"And to the best of your knowledge, did he have a climax?"
"No, a Japanese Mazda, them be the facts."

Now Mary O'Toole a gynecologist had seen.
He opened her legs and peered in between.
He said, "When did you last have a check-up in here?"
She said, "I've only had Hungarians for over a year."

"Pilot Murphy to control tower, I want to come in."
"Control tower to Murphy, instructions begin.
What's your height and position, you stupid old runt?"
"I be five-foot-nine tall and I be sitting in front."

Mrs O'Leary buried her husband, but her friend had found
That she'd left his bare arse sticking out of the ground.
"Why'd you do that, I've never seen such like?"
"Well, when I visit the grave, I can park me bike."

Well the Jews tell us that they're God's chosen race,
But it could have been our fair land in its place.
For God went a searching, he looked all around,
But three wise men and a virgin just couldn't be found.

OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE A ______?
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Melody - Swinging on a Star

A Pom is an animal that drinks warm beers,
He whinges at everything he hears,
He wears a bowler and eats fish and chips,
He never showers so he stinks like shit,
So if you're dirty and smelling kinda strong,
You could grow up to be a Pom.

CHORUS:
Or would you rather prop up a bar?
Drinking Singhas out of a jar?
And be better off than you are?
Or would you rather be a ______?

A Yank is an animal that don't know jack shit,
He's got no humor and no wit,
His beer's like water and he talks too much,
He don't even know that a fanny's a crutch,
So if you can't tell a jackoff from a wank,
You could grow up to be a Yank.

An Ocker is an animal with corks in his hat,
He'd rather drink piss than tickle twat,
He's got a roo for a rabbit and a dingo for a dog,
He wishes he could think but he's missing a cog,
So if you're dumb and your manners are a shocker,
You could grow up to be an Ocker.

A Kiwi is an animal that likes to fuck sheep,
He's so thick it makes you want to weep,
He's so damn lazy that he lives on the dole,
He'd like to screw women but he can't find their hole,
So if you can't tell a ewe from a she,
You could grow up to be a Kiwi.

OU EST LE PAPIER?
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Melody - Marseillaise

A Frenchman went to the lavat'ry,
To have him a jolly good shit,
He took his coat and his trousers off,
So that he could revel in it.
But when he reached for the paper,
He found that someone had been there before,
"Ou est le papier?
Ou est le papier?
Monsieur, monsieur, J'at fait manure.
Ou est le papier?"

OVALTINE SONG
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Melody - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
Contributed by Steven Skaggs

Uncle George and Auntie Mabel
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let that be an awful warning
NOT to do it in the morning.

Ovaltine has put them right,
Now they do it morn and night.
Uncle George is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.

Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Ovaltine's a damn fine thing."

PATRIOTIC SONG
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Melody - ???

Asshole, asshole,
A soldier I would be.

To piss, to piss,
Two pistols on my knee.

Fuck you, fuck you,
For curiosity.

To fight for the old cunt, to fight for the old cunt,
To fight for the old country.

PISSANYA, PISSANYA
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Melody - Itself
A favorite of the Seoul, Korea HHH

Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya,
It's Russian for "I love ya,"
If I had my way I'd Pissanya all day,
Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya.

Shittanya, Shittanya, Shittanya,
It's Russian for "I adore ya,"
If I had my way I'd Shittanya all day,
Shittanya, Shittanya, Shittanya.

Comeanya, Comeanya, Comeanya,
It's Russian for "I worship ya,"
If I had my way I'd Comeanya all day,
Pissanya, Shittanya, Comeanya.

PLASTIC JESUS
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Melody - Itself

Version 1
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material?)

I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car,
He don't slip and he don't slide,
'Cause his little ass is magnatized,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I'm afraid he'll have to go,
His magnets ruin my radio
And If I have a wreck, he'll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare,
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see,
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun that shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who is boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town,
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear,
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

If I weave around at night
And the policemen think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic jesus shelters me,
For his head comes off, you see
He's hollow and I use him for a flask

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar

I don't care if it's dark or scary,
Long as I have magnetic Mary,
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car,
I feel I'm protected amply,
I've got the whole damn Holy Family,
Riding on the dashboard of my car.

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car,
But I think he'll have to go,
His magnet ruins my radio,
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar.

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan;

When I'm goin' fornicatin'
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my . . .
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my . . .
Leering from the dashboard of my van.

Version 2
Sung by Paul Newman in "Cool Hand Luke"

I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car,
Comes in colors, pink and pleasant,
Glows in the dark 'cause he's iridescent,
Take him with you when you travel far.

Get yourself a sweet Madona,
Dressed in rhinestones, sittin' on a,
Pedestal of abalone shell.
Goin' ninety I ain't scarried,
'Cause I got the Virgin Mary,
Assurin' me that I won't go to hell.

A PRAYER
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Melody - Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin

Leader: And now, gentlemen, a prayer,
A prayer for the constipated.
Pack: SHIT!
Leader: A prayer for the frustrated.
Pack: FUCK!
Leader: A prayer for the dehydrated.
Pack: BEER!
Leader: A prayer for the emasculated.
Pack: BALLS!

Balls to Mr. Benglestein, Benglestein, Benglestein,
Balls to Mr. Benglestein, dirty old man.

He sits on the steeple and shits on the people,
So balls to Mr. Benglestein, dirty old man.

He keeps us all waiting while he's masturbating,
So balls to Mr. Benglestein, dirty old man.

He ups and he downs them, he fucking well grinds them,
So balls to Mr. Benglestein, dirty old man.

RING THE BELL VERGER
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Melody - Itself

CHORUS:
Ring the bell verger, ring the bell, ring,
Perhaps the congregation will condescend to sing,
Perhaps the village organist, sitting on his stool,
Will play upon his organ and not upon his tool.

Ocean liner five months late,
Stoker stoking stoker's mate,
Captain's voice comes down the wire,
"Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire!"

Lordship's chauffeur in the garage lies,
Lordship's wife between his thighs,
Lordship's voice comes from afar,
"Stop fucking wife and start fucking car!"

Part-time barman in the four-ale lurks,
Tossing off with erratic jerks,
The landlord's voice begins to moan,
"Stop pulling plonker and start pulling foam!"

Verger in the belfry stood,
Grasped in his hand, his mighty pud,
From afar the vicar yells,
"Stop pulling pud and start pulling bell!"

Old time convict in the compound stands,
His pick lies idle in his hands,
The warden's voice begins to moan,
"Stop picking prick and start picking stone!"

THE ROAD TO GUNDAGAI
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Melody - Itself

There's a crack winding back
From her belly to her back
On the road to Gundagai;
There's a Yank there beside her,
You bet your balls he'll ride her,
Beneath the starry sky;
With a Frenchie on his big prick,
He'll ride her with ease,
As he scratches up the gravel
With both of his knees;
Though the time will come to pass
When he'll whop it up her arse,
On the road to Gundagai.

ROEDEAN SCHOOL
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Melody - We Shall Not Be Moved
(Take turns leading verses)

We are from Roedean, good girls are we,
We take great pride in our virginity,
We take precautions and avoid abortions,
For we are from the Roedean School.

CHORUS:
Up school, up school, up school,
Right up school!
Laah-lah, laah-lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah,
Laah-lah, laah-lah, lah, lah, lah, lah, lah.

Our school porter, he is a fool,
He's only got a teeny weeny tool,
All right for keyholes and little girlies' peeholes,
But not for girls from Roedean School.

When we go out to the vicar's for tea,
He likes to bounce us up and down on his knee,
He feed him brandy, which makes him feel randy,
For we are from Roedean School.

When we go down to the beach for a swim,
The people remark on the size of our quim,
You can bet your bottom dollar, it's big as a horse's collar,
For we are from Roedean School.

Our head prefect, her name is Jane,
She only likes it now and again,
AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN,
For she is from Roedean School.

Our house mistress, she can't be beat,
She lets us go walking in the street,
We sell our titties for three-penny bitties,
Right outside of Roedean School.

Our sports mistress, she is the best,
She teaches us how to develop our chest,
We wear tight sweaters and carry French letters,
For we are from Roedean School.

Each week at Roedean we have a dance,
We don't wear bras and we don't wear pants,
We like to give all the fellows a chance,
For we are from Roedean School.

Our head gardener, he makes us drool,
He's got a great big dirty whoppin' tool,
All right for tunnels and Queen Mary's funnels,
And great for the girls at Roedean School.

We have a new girl, her name is Flo,
Nobody thought that she would have a go,
But she surprised the vicar by raising him quicker,
Than any other girl at Roedean School.

We are from Roedean, lesbos are we,
Caused by living in an all-girls dormit'ry,
It's light out at seven, candles out at eleven,
For we are from Roedean School.

We go to Roedean, don't we have fun,
We know exactly how it is done,
When we lie down we hole it in one,
For we are from Roedean School.

Those girls from Cheltenham, they are just sissies,
They get worked up over one or two kisses,
It takes wax candles and long broom handles,
To rouse the girls at Roedean School.

We go to Roedean, we can be had,
Don't take our word, boy, ask your old dad,
He brings his friends for breath-taking trends,
For we are from Roedean School.

In our winter we wear our J.D.'s,
Long combinations well below our knees,
It's all right for dragging, but no good for shagging,
For we are from Roedean School.

ROLL YOUR LEG OVER
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Melody - Oh, Sally, My Dear

If all the young girls were like fish in the ocean,
I'd be a whale and I'd show them the motion.

CHORUS:
Oh, roll your leg over, oh, roll your leg over,
Roll your leg over the man in the moon.

If all the young girls were like fish in a pool,
I'd be a shark with a waterproof tool.

If all the young girls were like fish in the brookie,
I'd be a trout and I'd get me some nookie.

If all the young girls were like winds on the sea,
I'd be a sail and I'd have them blow me.

If all the young girls were like cows in the pasture,
I'd be a bull and I'd fill them with rapture.

If all the young girls were like mares in the stable,
I'd be a stallion and show them I'm able.

If all the young girls were like bricks in a pile,
I'd be a mason and lay them in style.

If all the young girls were like bells in a tower,
I'd be a clapper and bang them each hour.

If all the young girls were like telephone poles,
I'd be a squirrel and stuff nuts in their holes.

If all the young girls were like gals down in Sydney,
I ain't got much left but I've still got one kidney.

If all the young girls were like B-29s,
I'd be a jet fighter and buzz their behinds.

If all the young girls were like coals in a stoker,
I'd be a fireman and shove in my poker.

If all the young girls were like statues of Venus,
And I were equipped with a petrified penis.

If all the young girls were like Gypsy Rose Lee,
I'd be a G-string; oh boy, what I'd see.

If all the young girls were like sheep in the clover,
I'd be a ram and I'd ram them all over.

If all the young girls were like pancakes in Texas,
I'd be a Texan and eat them for breakfast.

If all the young girls were like grapes on the vine,
I'd be a plucker and have me a time.

If all the young girls were singing this song,
It'd be twice as dirty and five times as long.

If all the young girls were like trees in the forest,
I'd be a woodsman and climb their clitoris.

If all the young girls were diamonds and rubies,
I'd be a jeweler and polish their boobies.

If all the young girls were like little white flowers
I'd be a bee and suck them for hours.

If all the young girls were linear spaces,
And I were a vector, I'd aim for their bases.

If all the young girls wore dresses with patches,
I'd tear off their patches to get at their snatches.

If all the young girls were vessels of clay
I'd be a potter and make them all day.

RULE BRITANNIA
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Melody - Rule Britannia

Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese crackers up your asshole,
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Four Chinese crackers up your asshole,
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Three Chinese crackers up your asshole,
BANG, BANG, BANG!

Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Two Chinese crackers up your asshole,
BANG, BANG!

Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
One Chinese cracker up your asshole,
BANG!

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the seas,
Britons never, never, never shit green peas.

SCROTUM
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Melody - Jada

Scrotum, Scrotum.
S-C-R-O-T-U-M.
Mangy, grungy,
S-C-R-O-T-U-M.
Scrotum, scrotum,
Covered with hair.
What would we do
If you weren't there?
Oh scrotum, scrotum,
It's what we keep our gonads in!

SEXIATUS MANIA
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Melody - Gregorian Chant
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Sexiatus mania,
Frustratum randium,
Sexiatus mania,
Frustratum randium,
Prostitutum contracoptum,
Hand et fingum masturbatum,
Satisfactor relievium,
Satisfactor relievium.

THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC (Version # 1)
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Melody - Little Old Log Cabin in the Lane
There are many versions of this song; not all are written down. This one contains some home-made verses - F.B.

Oh, they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue,
And they thought they'd built a ship the water couldn't get through.
But an iceberg on the wave, sent it to its watery grave,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

CHORUS:
It was sad, (so sad), it was sad, (too bad),
It was sad when that great ship went down,
To the bottom of the . . . HUSBANDS AND WIVES, LITTLE CHILDREN LOST THEIR LIVES!
It was sad when that great ship went down.

Oh, they sailed from Plymouth, England, and were halfway to the shore,
When the rich refused to associate with the poor.
So they put the poor below, where they were the first to go,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(Chorus): UNCLES AND AUNTS, THEY PISSED RIGHT IN THEIR PANTS!

Oh, that ship was full of sin, and the sides about to burst,
When the captain shouted, "Women and children first!"
Then he tried to send a wire, but the wires were all on fire,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(Chorus): CHILDREN, THEY CRIED, AS THE WAVES SWEPT O'ER THE SIDE!

Oh, the crew was not afraid, as they tried to lower boats,
But the waves were cruel, and nary a boat would float.
So they put on their lifevests, and prepared themselves for death,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(Chorus): LADY ASTOR IN HER GOWN, HAD TO WATCH HER HUSBAND DROWN!

Oh, the captain was at fault, and was just about to flee,
When the band struck up with "A-Nearer My God to Thee!"
And the steerage passengers, were left to drown like curs,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(Chorus): HOW THEY DID PLEA, AS THEY SLIPPED BENEATH THE SEA!

(Special verse): But in the captain's cabin, the spirits they did find,
And they began to swill, as they floated in the brine.
And the liquor in their veins, kept them warm upon the main,
It was glad when that great ship went down!

(Special Chorus): It was glad (so glad), it was glad (so glad),
It was glad when that great ship went down,
To the bottom of the . . . CHAMPAGNE AND WHISKEY, THEY WENT DOWN FEELING FRISKY!
It was glad when that great ship went down.

Oh, the moral of this story is very plain to see,
You must wear your life preserver when you are out to sea.
Or you may find yourself aswim, facing fate that's all too grim,
It was sad when that great ship went down.

(Chorus): MIGHTY OR MEEK, YOU CAN'T TREAD WATER FOR A WEEK!

THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC (Version # 2)
Melody - Little Old Log Cabin in the Lane
This may be the "official" version - F.B.

Oh they built the ship Titanic
To sail the ocean blue
And they thought they had a ship
That the water would never go through;
But the Lord's Almighty hand
Said that ship would never land,
It was sad when that great ship went down

CHORUS:
It was sad. It was sad.
It was sad when the great ship went down.
(to the bottom of the...)
Husbands and wives,
Little children lost their lives
It was sad when the great ship went down.)

They were off for England
And not very far from shore
When the rich refused
To associate with the poor
So they sent them down below
Where they'd be the first to go
It was sad when that great ship went down

The boat was about to sink,
And the sides about to burst,
When the captain shouted, "All
Women and children first!"
Oh, the captain tried to wire,
But the wires was on fire,
It was sad when the great ship went down.

Oh, they swung the lifeboats out
O'er the deep and ragin' sea,
When the band struck up with,
"Nearer My God to Thee."
Little children wept and cried,
As the waves swept o'er the side,
It was sad when the great ship went down.

SOD 'EM ALL
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Melody - Over There
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward, the official Royal Navy version

Sod 'em all, sod 'em all,
The long and the short and the tall,
Sod all the sergeants and W.O. ones,
Sod all the corporals and their bastard sons.
For we're saying goodbye to them all,
As back to their billets they crawl,
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all.

Sod 'em all, sod 'em all,
The skipper, the jimmy and all,
Sod all the yeomen and C.P.O. tels,
Sod the chief sloshies and their bleeding smells.
For we're saying goodbye to them all,
As back to their hammocks they crawl,
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all.

Sod 'em all, sod 'em all,
The jaunty, the crusher and all,
Sod all the shipwrights and C.P.O. cooks,
Sod all the paybobs with their bleeding books.
For we're saying goodbye to them all,
As back to their hammocks they crawl,
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all.

Sod 'em all, sod 'em all,
The admiral, the flag-jack and all,
Sod all the O.A.s and E.A.s as well,
Sod the chief stoker and send him to hell.
For we're saying goodbye to them all,
As back to their hammocks they crawl,
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all.

SOME DIE OF DRINKING WATER
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Melody - British Grenadier

Some die of drinking water,
And some of drinking beer,
Some die of constipation,
And some of diarrhea.
But of all the world's diseases,
There's none that can compare,
With the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick
Of a British Grenadier (or Hash House Harrier).

When he goes forth in battle,
His weapon in his hand,
The lasses fall like cattle,
There's none can make a stand.
But when the campaign's over,
It's then he feels so queer,
With the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick
Of a British Grenadier (or Hash House Harrier).

And when he does retire,
To take his well-earned rest,
There burns an ancient fire,
To do what he does best.
And yet, the truth is bitter,
There's one thing he does fear,
It's the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick
Of a British Grenadier (or Hash House Harrier).

I like the girls who say they will,
And I like the girls who won't.
I hate the girls who say they will,
And then they say they won't.
But of all the girls I like the best,
I may be wrong or right,
Are the girls who say they never will,
But look as though they might.

SPANISH GUITAR
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Melody - same as for "Marriage a la Mode" in the Sweet Lovin' section, above
From the songbook of the 44th TFS, Kadena Air Base, Japan

Oh, the first port of call was Aden, Aden,
Where the girls wouldn't fuck, but we made 'em, made 'em,
Two dollars you pay, for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, singing:

CHORUS:
Hi-ziggy-ziggy, fuck a little piggy sideways, swish, swish,
My idea of a woman is a big fat whore,
Shit-bang, fuck-stick,
Two dollars you pay for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, plink, plink, plink.

Oh, the next port of call was Boston, Boston,
Where the girls wouldn't fuck, but we forced 'em, forced 'em,
Two dollars you pay, for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, singing:

Oh, the next port of call was Malta, Malta,
Where the girls wouldn't fuck, but oughta, oughta,
Two dollars you pay, for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, singing:

Oh, the next port of call was Suwon, Suwon,
Where the girls would do it for two won, two won,
Two dollars you pay, for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, singing:

Oh, the next port of call was Takhli, Takhli,
Where the girls would do it for free, for free,
Two dollars you pay, for a bang-up each way,
And a tune on a Spanish guitar, singing:

SWAMP-ASS
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Melody - My Girl
by Orchid-Gina from Big Heads HHH, SD

I get Swamp-Ass on a sunny day
Even when it's cold outside, I got the month of May

(Chorus)
I guess you'd say Hashing makes me feel this way
Swamp-Ass, Swamp-Ass, Swamp-Ass
Talkin' bout Swamp-Ass
Swamp-Ass!

I get so much moisture in this crack of mine
The best performance undies in the world won't dry up my behind

(Chorus)

My cheeks get more slimy the further I run
Should I get some "Depends" for my soaking bum?
(Chorus)

SWEET VIOLETS (Version # 1)
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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike (verses)
Sweet Violets (chorus)

There once was a farmer who took a young miss,
In back of the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs,
And told her that she had such beautiful
Manners that suited a girl of her charms,
A girl that he wanted to take in his
Washing and ironing, and then if she did,
They could get married and raise lots of

CHORUS:
Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over in sweet violets.

She said to the farmer that he'd better stop,
Then she called her father, and he called a
Taxi and got there before very long,
'Cause someone was doing his little girl
Right for a change, so these are the words that he said,
If you marry her son, you're better off
Single because it has always been my belief,
That marriage will bring a man nothing but

She told the farmer she'd wed and she'd wait,
And he started in planning for his wedding
Suit which he purchased for only one buck,
And then he found out he was all out of
Money, and so he was left in the lurch,
A-standing and waiting in front of the
End of the story which just goes to show,
All a girl wants from a man is his

SWEET VIOLETS (Version # 2)
Melody - Sweet Violets
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

My father was a coal miner,
A coal miner that he was.
Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust,
And sometimes he'd shovel up SHIT!

My brother was a pilot,
A pilot that he was,
Sometimes he'd land on the runway,
And sometimes he'd land in the SHIT!

My wife, she died on the toilet,
She died of a horrible fit,
And to satisfy her last wishes,
She was buried in six feet of SHIT!

My father went to the woodshed,
Some wood he wanted to split,
But when he grabbed hold of the handle,
He found it was covered with SHIT!

Phyllis Quat kept a sack in the garden,
I was curious I must admit,
One day I stuck in my finger,
And pulled it out covered in SHIT!

I sat in a gold lavatory,
In the home of the Baron of Split,
The seat was encrusted with rubies,
But as usual the bowl contained SHIT!

My brother he worked in a sewer,
Some lamps they had to be lit,
One evening there was an explosion,
And my brother was covered in SHIT!

Phyllis Quat took a bag to her boy-friend's,
But the paper was old and it split,
Now the boyfriend and Phyllis have parted,
For the bag was packed quite full of SHIT!

Well, now my song is ended,
And I have finished by bit,
And if any of you feel offended,
Stick your head in a bucket of SHIT!

TEN STICKS OF DYNAMITE
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Melody - Ten Green Bottles

Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on the wall,
Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on the wall,
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall,
THERE'D BE NO FUCKING DYNAMITE AND NO FUCKING WALL!

THERE WAS AN OLD FARMER
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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike

There was an old farmer who sat on a rock,
Shaking and waving his big hairy
Fist at the ladies next door in the Ritz,
Who taught the young girls to play with their
Kite strings and marbles and all things galore,
Along came a lady who looked like a
Decent young lady, but walked like a duck,
She thought she'd invented a new way to
Bring up the children, to sew and to knit,
The boys in the stable were shoveling
Litter and paper from yesterday's hunt,
And old farmer Potter was having some
Cake in the stables and singing this song,
And if you think it's dirty,
You're fucking well wrong!

THEY'RE MOVING FATHER'S GRAVE
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Melody - I Wish I Were an Oscar-Meyer Weiner

They're moving father's grave to build a sewer,
They're moving it regardless of expense,
They're moving his remains to lay down shithouse drains,
To satisfy some nearby residents.

Now, what's the use of having a religion?
For when you die your troubles never cease,
When some high-society twit needs a pipeline for his shit,
They won't let poor father rest in peace.

My father in his life was ne'er a quitter,
I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now,
He'll put on a white sheet and haunt the shithouse seat,
And he'll only let them shit when he'll allow.

Oh, won't there be some pains of constipation!
And won't those shithouse bastards rant and rave!
But they'll get what they deserve, for they had the bloody nerve,
To bugger up a British workman's grave.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS
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Melody: Theme Song to All in the Family
Sung by Homer and Marge Simpson

Oy, the way the Bee Gee's played,
Movies John Travolta made,
Guessing how much Elvis weighed,
Those were the days!
And you knew where you were then,
Watching shows like "Gentle Ben",
Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac,
Coming out of my eight-track,
Michael Jackson still was black,
Those were the days!

THREE CHINESE CRACKERS

Melody - Hail Britannia

Hail Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Three Chinese crackers up your asshole,
Bang! Bang! Bang!

Hail Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Two Chinese crackers up your asshole,
Bang! Bang! (and so on . . .)

TONIGHT WE MARCH AGAINST ENGLAND
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Melody - Itself
Yes, this is a real song, quite popular in the Spring of 1938, translated into English and taught me by Luftwaffe fighter pilots . . . no shit! F.B.

The flag flies high on the masthead,
We fight for the freedom of the Reich (sieg Heil!),
No longer will we tremble,
At England's military might.

So give to me your hand, fraulein,
Your lily-white hand, fraulein,
For tonight we march against England,
England's island shores, island shores.

And if I fall in battle,
And sink to the bottom of the sea (big splash!),
Remember this, my darling,
My blood was shed for thee.

VEGETABLES ARE THE BEST
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Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

CHORUS:
Vegetables are the best, girls,
Vegetables are the best - EAT YOUR GREENS!
Vegetables are the best, girls,
Vegetables are the best.

Do the deed with a weed, girls,
Do the deed with a weed - VEGETABLES!
Do the deed with a weed, girls,
Do the deed with a weed, 'cause . . .

OTHER VERSES:
Fellatio with a potato, girls
Take a dyke on with a daikan, boys
Shave the fuzz off a peach, boys
Slip a rubba on a rutabaga, girls
Be a fairy with a strawberry, boys
Try humpin' a pumpkin, lads
Tickle your root with a shoot, boys
Tickle your clit with a pickle, girls
No need for the pill with a dill, girls
Stick a cuke up your chute, girls
Fill your chute with a root, girls
Squeeze a kumquat in your twat, girls
Give a wedgie to a veggie, boys
Drink the pee of a broccoli
A gourd will always stay hard, girls
Elope with a cantaloupe, girls
Go goose a spruce, lads
Wine and dine a fine pine, men
Stuff some grass up your ass, boys
Debauchery with the shrubbery, boys
Rub your tube with a tuber, boys
Wheat germ makes your squirm, girls
Rub your slit hard with rhubarb, girls
Get frisky with some kim chee, girls
Give him a horn with some corn, girls
Make him green with a bean, girls
Get defrocked by a stalk, father
Venial sins with the California Raisins, girls
Stiffen your root with a Kiwi fruit, boyth
etc . . .

WALKING DOWN CANAL STREET
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Melody - ???

Walking down Canal Street,
Knocking on every door,
Goddamn sonofabitch,
Couldn't find a whore.

When I finally found a whore,
She was tall and thin,
Goddamn sonofabitch,
Couldn't get it in.

When I finally got it in,
I turned it all about,
Goddamn sonofabitch,
Couldn't get it out.

When I finally got it out,
It was red and sore,
Goddamn sonofabitch,
You should never fuck a whore.

WEE WEE SONG
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Melody - Itself

When I was just a wee wee tot,
They put me on my wee wee pot.
There I was to wee wee,
Wee wee quite a lot.

CHORUS:
Wee wee, wee wee, wee wee.

So there I sat on my wee wee pot.
But wee wee I could not.
So they put me in my wee wee cot,
There I wee weed quite a lot.

YELLOW RYDER TRUCK
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Melody - Yellow Submarine
Dedicated to the victorious Mexican Army at the Houston HHH San Jacinto Day Run, April 21, 1986

In the town where I was born,
Lived a man who Hashed the land,
And he told us of his life, in the back of Ryder trucks.
So we ran up to the sun till we found the land of trucks,
And we lived a life of sleaze, in our yellow Ryder truck.

CHORUS:
We all live in a yellow Ryder truck,
Yellow Ryder truck,
Yellow Ryder truck,
We all live in a yellow Ryder truck,
Yellow Ryder truck,
Yellow Ryder truck.

Most of our friends are all aboard,
Many more of them party next door,
And the Hashers begin to chant (CHORUS)

As we live a life of sleaze,
Every one of us has all we need,
Plenty of beer and lots of fucks,
In our yellow Ryder truck.

YOU WON'T FIND ANY COUNTRY (two versions)
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Melody - The Irish Rover
Jakarta version

I've searched the world over, excitement I've sought,
But all my experience was dearly bought.

CHORUS:
So it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more,
You won't find any country,
Where it pays you to score.

To tap a Yank for a good screw, in my belief,
Is like asking Mrs. Custer to give to Indian relief,
in the last year or two they've not used their tush,
'Cause they're shagged up the arse by a cowboy called Bush.

The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike,
One finger up nostril and one in a dyke,
And if they feel chilly when these things they perform,
They put their caps up girls' pussies to keep their heads warm.

Now haircuts for Germans are four times the price,
They charge for each corner and go over it twice,
And if you pick up a harlot now don't throw her out,
Though her snatch it smells strongly, they just love sauerkraut.

The Swiss nation at loving are antiseptic,
They put germolene, not vaseline, on their prick,
The Swiss yodel is to cover their sheeps' anguished calls,
For their Toblerone pricks make triangular holes.

The Aussies are known for their intake of beer,
And they've all been in Sidney, now isn't that queer,
To keep flies off from their hat corks are hung,
'Cause a zipper can be painful if caught on the tongue.

YOU WON'T FIND ANY COUNTRY version #2
Melody - The Irish Rover
Malibog's Hong Kong version

I've Hashed the world over,
Excitement I've sought.
But all my experience,
Was dearly bought.

CHORUS:
So it's no nay never,
No nay never, no more,
You won't find any country,
It pays you to score.

To tap a Yank for a screw, in my belief,
Is like asking Mrs Custer, to give to Indian Relief.
So the options are slim for those left wanton,
And they end up with an in-bred - Hill-Billy Clinton.

Now haircuts for Germans are four times the price,
They charge for each corner, and go over it twice.
The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike,
One finger up nostril and one in a dyke.

The Aussies are known for their intake of beer,
And they've all been in Sydney, now isn't that queer?
But the Kiwis have the answer to get their country on track,
Just continue to malinger on the woolly sheep's back.

The closest to sex in Japan is to suck on a mike,
For the girls they will tell you to go take a hike.
So its off to Manila where you can score, there's no doubt,
But every time that you put it in, a baby comes out.

So now stuck here in Hong Kong and you're feeling glum,
You can go to the dolly bars and they'll treat you like scum.
So you think that the Gweilos are okay for a bash,
Doubtful Howard's been there - but you could still get a rash.

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
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Melody - My Girl
By Slippery Beaver and the Huachuca H3

(Note: It works best if get the pack singing bummmmm, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum in the background.)
You're and asshole, (bum, bum, bum, bum, bum)
Each and every day,(bum, bum, bum, bum, bum)
We don't like you, (bum, bum, bum, bum, bum)
You gotta see it our way, (bum, bum, bum, bum, bum)

No one likes you,
We just all pretend we do,
You're an ashole, asshole, asshole,
You're an Asshole!