HASH HOLIDAYS

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And so this is Hashmas
Auld Lang Syne
Bad King Hashmas
Bright Mistress
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire
Chipmunks Redeux
Christmas Carol
Deck the Halls
Eddie the Horny Reindeer
End of the World
Fellatio Navidad
Frosty the Pervert
Give it a Blow
Good King Bateson
Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer
Hallelujah Chorus
Hark! The Hashing Horn
Hark the Rock Hard Angels Sing
Have an Erection
Here's the Season
His Nuts
Holiday Song
I Caught Three Hares
I Saw Three Dots
I'm Dreaming of a Right Christmas
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis
Jingle Balls (Three Versions)
Jingle Balls Redeux
Joy to the Girls
Let Him Go
Let it Glow
Little Hooters Girl
Little Hummer Girl
Menopause is Comming to Town
Merry Hashmas
Monster Hash
Next Thanksgiving
Night of the Full Moon
Nine Daze of Christmas
Oh Everclear
Oh Kennedy
Oh Penis Head
Ozzy the Red Nosed Hasher
Politically Correct Santa
Red Flag
Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen"
Rudolph the Red Knobbed Reindeer
Rum Pum Pum Pum
Rusty Car
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Santa Claus is Cuming on You
Santa Limericks
Santa's Whore is Cumming to Town
Satanic Bells
Scratch Your Balls
Silent Night
Sodomy, Maturbate
Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator
Tight Pussy
'Twas the December Full Moon
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Twelve Days of Christmas # 1
Twelve Days of Christmas # 2
Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas
Walkin' Round in Womens' Underwear
Walkin' With my Pecker in your Hand
We Three Kings
We Three Queens
We Wish You Would Fix the Budget
While the Kiwis Shagged
Whips and Chains
White Hashmas
Winter Wonderland
Wonder Where I Am
Yass, Yass, Yass
You got Away with Murder



AND SO THIS IS HASHMAS

Melody - And So This is Christmas
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

And so this is Hashmas,
And a happy new year,
Get in a drunk punch-up,
And get socked in the ear.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH
(holding ear)

And so this is Hashmas,
With a wink and a leer,
Let's eat too much turkey,
And drink lots of beer.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH
(holding gut)

And so this is Hashmas,
No need to look glum,
We'll drink too much whiskey,
And fall on our bum.
AARH-AARH-AARH-AARH
(holding bum)

And so this is Hashmas,
What a load of old crap,
Let's put it up your bottom,
And come on your back.
OOOH-AARH-OOOH-AARH (demonstrating)

AULD LANG SYNE

Melody - Auld Lang Syne

Should auld beer drinkers be forgot,
And never brot' to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of Auld Lang Syne.

For Auld hasher friends, we cheer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer,
For Auld Lang Syne.

BAD KING HASHMAS
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Melody - Good King Wenceslas
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

Bad King Hashmas spent the lot,
On some horse called Steven,
Was the bloke out to lunch or what,
The odds weren't nearly even,
Now that all the beer money's spent,
Life will seem quite cruel,
Might as well go home to the wife,
And send the kids to school.

BRIGHT MISTRESS
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Tune: White Christmas

I’m creaming on a bright mistress,
Hung by my ankles from the door,
With my wrists tied tightly,
I smile so brightly,
And plead, longingly for more.

CHIPMUNKS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE
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Melody - The Christmas Song by Nat 'King' Cole
(contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4)

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost ripping up your nose,
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire,
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow,
Helps to make the season right,
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,
Will find it hard to see tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way,
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh,
And every mother's child is sure to spy,
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Screw you.

CHIPMUNKS REDEUX
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Melody - The Christmas Song by Nat 'King' Cole
Contributed by Derek Cashman

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Their eyes bulge out and then explode,
Machine gun fire opens up on the crowd,
And folks fall down like dominos.

Everybody knows, an Uzi and some hand grenades,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots, bound and gagged in their beds,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way,
He's got a chainsaw, and he's gonna make them pay,
And every mother's child is gonna spy,
To watch their daddy shoot them reindeer from the sky.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
For by now, the tots are turning blue,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas . . . to you.

CHRISTMAS CAROL
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Melody - Silent Night

Sodomy, masturbate, fellatio, copulate,
Round the world and Hershey highway,
Fornicating in the hay,
These are tricks that I lo-ove
These are tricks that I love.

Condom, prophylactic,
Spermicide does the trick.
IUD's and birth control pills,
Pull it out and let it spill,
These will make it sa-afe,
These will make it safe.

DECK THE HALLS
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Melody - Deck the Halls With Boughs of Holly
The politically correct version, contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-
solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fast away the mature year passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational- winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

EDDIE THE HORNY REINDEER
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Melody - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Contributed by Tree Humper

Eddie the horny reindeer
Used to love the reindeer snatch.
You would always find him looking
Searchin' every bush and thatch.

All of the other reindeer
Used to love to get a lay.
But Eddie the horny reindeer
Had to have it every day.

Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say,
Sorry Ed to be so blunt
But if you don't eat pussy, you'll get no cunt.

Now all the reindeer love him
And you'll hear them shout with glee.
Eddie the horny reindeer
Won't you please go down on me?

END OF THE WORLD
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Melody - Joy to the World
Contributed by Derek Cashman

End of the world,
The bomb has come,
Let earth receive her due,
Let every single reprobate,
Evaporate, disintegrate,
And buildings crumble too,
All over me and you,
All over, all over,
Rush Limbaugh, too.

FELLATIO NAVIDAD
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Melody - Feliz Navidad
By Hookie Pookie, Orange County HHH

Chorus:
Fellatio Navidad
Fellatio Navidad
Fellatio Navidad
If you sit on my face, I'll sit on yours

Fellatio Navidad
Fellatio Navidad
Fellatio Navidad
If you sit on my face, I'll sit on yours

I wish you'd suck on my great big fat dick
I wish you'd suck on my great big fat dick
I wish you'd suck on my great big fat dick
From the bottom of my heart

(Chorus)

I'll go down on your furry pink snatch
I'll go down on your furry pink snatch
I'll go down on your furry pink snatch
If you promise not to fart

(Chorus)

FROSTY THE PERVERT
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Melody - Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the pervert,
In a trench coat he did go,
To the schoolyard to expose his dick,
And balls made out of snow.

Frosty the pervert,
All the kids he liked to watch,
His dick did grow and he packed snow,
On his cold and icy crotch.

There must have been some magic,
When he stroked his icy meet,
Cause Frosty started moaning loud
And it began to sleet.

Frosty the pervert,
Was as glad as he could get,
He threw away his corn cob pipe,
And lit a cigarette.

GIVE IT A BLOW
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Tune: Let it Snow

Well, the weather outside is frightful,
But my dick is so delightful,
If you really want to see it grow,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow

GOOD KING BATESON
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Melody - Good King Wenseslas
By Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH

Good King Bateson last looked out
From his Kentish tower
When the dots lay round about
Deep and thick the flour.
Brightly shone his nose that night,
From his endless trekking
When John Clooney came in sight
For the on-on che - e - cking

'Hither Farnum, stand by me
If thou knowst it telling
Yonder hasher, who is he
What on earth's he yelling?
'Sire, he checks a good league hence
For at least an hour.
He got here he knows not whence
Looking for more flou-our.'

'Get my cloak and find the horn
Fetch me June Clarke hither
Thou and I shalt see him gorn
Ere he gets far thither'
Rob, June, Sandra, forth they went
Forth they went together
Through D. Russels wild lament
And the torrid we - e - ather.

'Sire the flour grows thinner now
And John Clooney's runnin'
We need Banks, and know not how
We will find the ON-IN.'
'Mark the arrows, good my folk
Follow them most nearly.
Thou wilt find that Zeddy's smoke
Shows the way quite cle-e-arly.'

In the RA's steps they trod
Seeking faith requited.
Demonstrandum erat quod
Soon the bar was sighted.
Therefore hashers all rejoice
Keep ye to the trai-ail.
Ye who join the BHHH
Will discover a -a -le!

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
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Tune: It’s Own
Copywrited Material???

CHORUS:
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

CHORUS

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

CHORUS

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (ahhhhh!)
And the blue and silver candles,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

CHORUS

HALLELUJAH CHORUS
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Melody - Hallelujah Chorus

Eat my butt out
Eat my butt out
Eat my butt out, eat my butt out
Eat my butt out.

Please lick my sweaty balls,
They're so dirty
They're so dirty, they're so dirty
They're so dirty, they're so dirty.

Please eat my crusty ass,
It's so mushy
It's so mushy, it's so mushy
It's so mushy, it's so mushy.

HARK! THE HASHING HORN
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Melody - Hark the Herald Angels Sing
By Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH

Hark! the hashing horn has go-one
Half past three, we're almost ON.
Let the dots be near, not fa-ar
So we're soon back at the bar.
Save us from the back-checks vi-ile
Make them no more than a mi-ile
Curs_d he who cuts it short
His a-attempts will come to nought.
For the RA then will pour
Beer on his head for ever more.

Hail, the splendid Trollop shir-irt
Once again on Patti pert
Make sure that you don't put bla-ack
EVER on a virgin's back.
Don't forget to call the 0-0N
When you see three dots have go-one
Or - and that's the end of it
You ar-are bound to be the shit
Punish crimes most hein- e-ous
Give good beer and runs to us.

To the BHHH be th - a - nks
Glory to its love of Banks!
Bless_d be our sweaty fee-eet
And our love of Cockspur neat.
Joyful let the down-downs rei-eign
On the head of O'Neill Pa-ayne
Vivat hashers, ever 0N
Till the-e final dot has gone.
Hark! The barbecue is free
Glory-y to the BHHH

HARK THE ROCK HARD ANGELS SING
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BY: BOLLOX ( PHUKET H3 )
(THE ROCK HARD IS ONE OF PATONG'S BETTER GO-GO JOINTS)
TUNE: HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING

HARK THE ROCK HARD ANGELS SING
IT'S A LOT OF BAHT TO STICK IT IN
I'M HERE ON BREAK AND FEELING WILD
AWAY FROM THE RAIN AND LIGHT AND MILD
I WENT TO THE ROCK HARD IN THE SKY
THERE A YOUNG MAIDEN I ESPIED
TALL AND THIN I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THIS LADY HAD THE BLINKING LOT
HARK THE ROCK HARD ANGELS SING
IT'S A LOT OF BAHT TO STICK IT IN

HARK THE ROCK HARD ANGELS SING
A LADIES DRINK PLEASE GET THEM IN
SO WE HAD A DRINK OR FIVE
SHE SEEMED SOBER, I WAS FINE
BACK ON TO MY ROOM WE WENT
UNDER MY PILLOW I'D STASHED THE RENT
IN THE MORNING IT HAD FLOWN
SO HAD SHE, I WAS ALONE
HARK THE ROCK HARD ANGELS SING
IT'S A LOT OF BAHT TO STICK IT IN.

HAVE AN ERECTION
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Melody - Hava Nageela
Composed for the Aloha HHH's 1995 Passover Hash by Rich "Occupied" Stone

Have an erection,
Have an erection,
Any direction,
It will point.

Can't get no infection,
'Cause we use protection,
It's called deflection,
Into your mouth.

CHORUS:
Swallow the protein drink,
Don't spit it in the sink,
It will energize and
Clear your skin.
Make sure you open wide,
So it don't dribble down the side,
Now you can be untied,
For more religious games.

Don't have no matzoh,
Ain't got no kreplah,
Can still eat, you betcha,
From the bush.

Gefilte fish, she's tasty,
Knows how to waste me,
Takes me all in places,
You would not believe.

CHORUS:
Not even chicken soup,
Could save this sorry group,
You can run but you cannot hide,
Eventually you will imbibe.
Let us take religious rest,
Fill our mugs with the best,
And drink it down, down, down . . .

HERE'S THE SEASON
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Melody - Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

Here's the season to be greedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Eat until you feel quite seedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Lots of beer and food and lollies,
Tra-la-la, la-la-la, la, la la,
In the morning you'll be sorry,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.

We always put up our Christmas stocking,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Santa might give us something to cock in,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Last year he said he wouldn't come round here,
Tra-la-la, la-la-la, la, la la,
Some bastard stuffed it up his reindeer,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.

Get the maid under the mistletoe,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
If the wife sees you'll soon know,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Is that what they mean by sticky pudd'n,
Tra-la-la, la-la-la, la, la la,
Serves you right if you get dripping,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.

HIS NUTS
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Melody - Chestnuts Roasting by an Open Fire
Contributed by Tree Humper

His nuts roasting on an open fire
Someone's fireplace was lit.
Santa's in pain so he'll have to refrain
From delivering all his gifts tonight.

We know that Santa's going home
From high o'erhead we can hear his groans.
Take your gun out of the rack and take aim
In the hope that we can end poor Santa's pain.
Darn we missed!

We know that Santa's really pissed off now
What's that dropping from his sleigh?
It looks like a bomb, oh no it's napalm
Oh well fuck 'm if he can't take a joke.

HOLIDAY SONG

Melody - Let it Snow

Well, the weather outside is frightful,
But my dick is so delightful,
If you really want to see it grow,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.

I CAUGHT THREE HARES
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Melody - I Saw Three Ships
By Flying Booger

I caught three hares on Christmas day,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day,
I caught three hares on Christmas day,
On Christmas day in the mornin'.

And what were they all covered with?
On Christmas day, on Christmas day,
And what were they all covered with?
On Christmas day in the mornin'.

Oh they had flour upon their hands,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day,
Oh they had flour upon their hands,
On Christmas day in the mornin'.

And it was an hour before the hash,
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
And it was an hour before the hash,
On Christmas day in the mornin'.

The dirty bastards were pre-layin',
On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
The dirty bastards were pre-layin',
On Christmas day in the mornin'.

I SAW THREE DOTS
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Melody - I Saw Three Ships
By Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH

I saw three dots of flour white
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
I saw three dots of flour white
On Xmas day in the morning

Pray whither did those three dots lead?
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
Pray, whither did those three dot lead?
On Xmas day in the morning

They led me to a check all three,
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
They lead me to a check, all three
On Xmas day in the morning

And tell me please, what saw you there?
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
And tell me please, what saw you there?
On Xmas day in the morning

I saw four-score of hashers lost
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
I saw four-score of hashers lost
On Xmas day in the morning

What didst thou do, O hasher, then?
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
What didst thou do O hasher, then
On Xmas day in the morning

I called the 'On' back to the bar
On Xmas day, On Xmas day
I called the 'On' back to the bar
On Xmas day in the morning

Then drank I forty seven Banks
On Xmas day, on Xmas day
Then drank I forty seven Banks
On Xmas day in the morning.

So hashers all, rejoice amain
On Xmas day, on Xmas day
So hashers all, rejoice amain
On Xmas day in the morning

I'M DREAMING OF A RIGHT CHRISTMAS
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Melody - I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
Composed by Andy Russo

I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know,
With more defense spending,
And taxes ending,
And deficits which never grow.

I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
With every budget bill I write,
May your town be tidy and white,
And may all your Christmases be Right.

I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
Just like the ones I know,
Where the budget's tightened,
And children frightened,
Of orphanages where they'll go.

I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
With every liberal I fight,
May we keep the homeless out of sight,
And may all your Christmases be right.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SYPHILIS
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Melody - It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
Composed by Crabs, San Francisco HHH, for the annual Christmas Hash and Party, 1994.

It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis,
It's the holiday shove!
Take a look at the purple sores,
Rotting through to the core,
Of the blue veins, of your candy cane,
Of love!

It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis,
It stings, when I pee.
My brain has turned to purple,
My sperm has begun to curdle,
My dick looks funny, it's green and runny,
With fleas!

BRIDGE:
I once was a stud,
With an eight-inch pud,
I was the envy of Hashland.
But, safe sex was neglected,
I became dickually infected,
Now pieces come off in my hand.

It's beginning to look a lot like syphilis,
In the San Francisco fog.
But the merriest sight you'll see,
Is the festering that will be,
On your own Yule log!

JINGLE BALLS (THREE VERSIONS)
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Melody - Jingle Bells

Version 1:

A month or two ago,
You asked me for a date,
You said for Christmas Eve,
By then you'd lose some weight.

I think I understand,
The tinsel in your hair,
But why have you got mistletoe,
Inside your underwear?

Ho, jingle balls, jingle balls,
Jingle to and fro,
Watching all the little puppies,
Making yellow snow.

Jingle balls, jingle balls,
Jingle one two three.
Why don't you come over here,
And jingle balls with me!

Splashing in your gash,
In a one horse open sleigh,
My parents think you're trash,
But I think you're OK.

Filling gas balloons,
From a nozzle up my ass,
I'd like to fill another,
But I think I'm out of gas.

Ho, jingle balls, jingle balls,
Jingle to and fro,
Watching all little kids
Eating yellow snow,

Jingle balls, jingle balls,
Jingle one two three.
Why don't you come over here,
And jingle balls with me?

Version 2:
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run around naked in this way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run round naked Christmas day.

Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls more slack,
Bouncing up and down as we run to and fro,
We'll jingle with our genitals wherever we may go.
(Repeat first verse running in place with hands on crotches)

Version 3:

Dashing through the snow, almost in the nude,
Santa's bollocks glow, how nice to be so rude.
The bell at the whorehouse rings, he's reserved a cracking tart,
She always wears his picker out and climaxes with a fart.

CHORUS:
Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls, shag 'em all the way,
Oh what fun it is to fuck on the eve of Christmas Day,
Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls, Santa isn't gay,
Oh what fun it is to shag on a one-horse open sleigh.

Santa's on his way, his pants are round his knees,
He's got his end away, and Rudolph isn't pleased.
Up on the whorehouse tiles, his cock begins to swell,
The whore plays with his piles, and jerks him off as well.

JINGLE BALLS REDEUX
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Melody - Jingle Bells
Contributed by Tree Humper

Flashing through the snow
In an open beige trench coat.
Through the town we go
Horny as a goat. Hee, hee, hee.

Bells on my balls ring
Making me excite.
Oh what fun it is to flash
The grade school girls tonight.

Oh jingle balls, Jingle balls,
Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to flash
So horny for a lay, ay.

Jingle balls, Jingle balls,
Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to flash
So horny for a lay.

JOY TO THE GIRLS
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Melody - Joy to the World

Joy to the girls,
From Hill Country,
Your present's in my pants.
I had no time to wrap it,
Merry Christmas bitch now lap it,
Repeat that bobbing stroke,
Repeat that bobbing stroke,
Repeat, Repeat,
Until you choke.

Joy to the world,
I've finally cum,
A moment I enjoy,
Now get your Fucking beanie,
Up off my shriveled weenie,
And call a fucking cab,
And get me one more beer,
And remember, you're doing it,
Again next year.

LET HIM GO
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Melody - Let it Snow


Everybody knows OJ did it,
Then he took the knife and hid it.
But the jury said "no, no, no",
Let him go, let him go, let him go.

Johnny Cochran said that Mark Fermin,
Is like that mustached German,
And the jury said "Judge Ito",
Let him go, let him go, let him go.

LET IT GLOW
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Melody - Let it Snow
Contributed by Derek Cashman

Oh, it happened quite late this morning,
The reactor gave a warning,
So as the walls start to flow,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow.

Officials began to wonder,
With the fault line running under,
If nukes were the way to go,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow.

Oh, the units were built in threes,
'Cause the number is funny and droll,
And now we can see the Chinese,
A-wavin' at us from the hole.

Now the little black smudge is Sister,
And my dog is just a blister,
But since it's their time to go,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow.

Now the say the "event" was "unplanned,"
Just a shift in the offshore shelf,
And that's why my thyroid gland,
Is driving a car by itself.

Now Grandmother ain't too pretty,
And that hairless blob is Kitty,
But she's eight more lives to go,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow,
Watch 'em glow.

LITTLE HOOTERS GIRL
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Tune: Little Drummer Boy

Little Hooters girl,
Her rump-a-tight bum
How groovy they're to see,
Umm-double-D-fun,
She brings me chicken wings,
Hot-tounge-a-tongue-toungue
She wears tight skimpy things,
Her tummy-tight-tum,
Rump-a-tight-bum
Look at them guns.

Oh, to ogle them,
Her rump-a-tight-bum
That's why we come.

Little Hooters girl,
She's not-a-dum-dum
She brings cold beer to me,
And pours us all some,
A birthday song they sang
With mighty big lungs,
Across the bar they hang,
Her rump-a-tight-bum
Double-D-fun
Had her boobs done

Then, she smiled at me,
She knows why we come,
Me and my chums.

LITTLE HUMMER GIRL (aka THE JUICY GIRL SONG)
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Tune: Little Drummer Boy

Come, she told him, a hum-a-hum-hum,
I am your friend, Miss Kim, a hum-a-hum-hum,
Why don’t you come right in, a hum-a-hum-hum,
And get to know my quim, a hum-a-hum-hum,
hum-a-hum-hum,
hum-a-hum-hum,
You will cum.

First, she washed him, a hum-a-hum-hum,
Each big and little limb, Miss Kim, a hum-a-hum-hum,
He saw she was quite thin, a hum-a-hum-hum,
He thought, will it fit in? a hum-a-hum-hum,
hum-a-hum-hum,
hum-a-hum-hum,
Will I cum?

Then, she poised for him, a hum-a-hum-hum,
Down on all fours for him, a hum-a-hum-hum,
He aimed above her quim, a hum-a-hum-hum,
And slid his member in her bum-a-bum-bum,
bum-a-bum-bum,
bum-a-bum-bum,
And did cum.

MENOPAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN
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Melody - Santa Claus is Coming to Town

You better watch out,
She's starting to cry
She's starting to pout,
And I'm telling you why:
Menopause is coming to town!

She's having trouble sleeping,
She's a bitch when she's awake,
So get yourself a mallet,
And a real sharp wooden stake.

You better watch out,
I'm telling you straight,
For your sake I hope,
It's just her period's late,
And menopause aint coming to town!

MERRY HASHMAS
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Melody - We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
And a clappy New Year.

Bad tidings we bring,
About the drip and the sting,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea.

We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea.

MONSTER HASH
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Melody - Monster Mash

I was running with the HASH on Halloween night,
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Poofters and Short Cutters began to arrive,
And suddenly, to my surprise,
They did the HASH - They did the Monster HASH,
The Monster HASH - It was a graveyard HASH,
They did the HASH - They caught on in a flash,
They did the HASH - They did the Monster HASH.

From knee deep shiggy in the swamp that's east,
To wading through the creek where the leeches feast,
The poofters all came when they heard the news,
They could get some mud on their running shoes.

And do the HASH - And do the Monster HASH,
The monster HASH - And do the graveyard HASH,
To do the HASH - They caught on in a flash,
To do the HASH - To do the Monster HASH.

The trail was dark, the hares were not to be found,
Igor unchained was running with the hounds,
The local cops were about to arrive,
With orders to take Hashers DEAD or ALIVE!

The Hashers were having fun - in-a-shoop-wha-ooo,
The party had just begun - in-a-shoop-wha-ooo,
The guests included Wolf Man - in-a-shoop-wha-ooo,
Dracula and his son.

Out from his pickup the Tyrant's voice did ring,
It seems he was worried 'bout just one thing,
Opened the door and shook his fist, and said,
"Whatever hoppened to those running club wimps?"

They did the HASH - They did the Monster HASH,
The Monster HASH - It was a graveyard HASH,
They did the HASH - They caught on in a flash,
They did the HASH - They did the Monster HASH.

Now everything's cool, we found all of the pack,
And the Monster HASH, it will be coming back,
For you, the sober, this HASH was meant, too,
When you come On In, tell them Boris sent you.
And you can HASH - And you can Monster HASH,
The monster HASH - And do the graveyard HASH,
And you can HASH - You'll catch on in a flash,
Then you can HASH - Then you can Monster HASH.

IGOR: Mmmm...hash goooood! Hash goood! BORIS: Down Igor, you impetuous young boy. IGOR: Hash goooood . . .

NEXT THANKSGIVING

Melody - Frere Jacques

Next Thanksgiving, next Thanksgiving,
Don't eat bread, don't eat bread,
Shove it up the turkey, shove it up the turkey,
Eat the bird, eat the bird.

Next Christmas, next Christmas,
Don't trim a tree, don't trim a tree,
Shove it up the chimney, shove it up the chimney,
Goose Saint Nick, goose Saint Nick.

Next Easter, next Easter,
Don't color eggs, don't color eggs,
Shove them up the rabbit, shove them up the rabbit,
Eat the hare, eat the hare.

The NIGHT OF THE FULL MOON, DECEMBER 13, 1997
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by Flying Booger (1996)

'Twas the December Full Moon, and all through the land,
Hashers were stirring, the night would be grand;
Their hash bags were stuffed in the B-Van with care,
In hopes the Grand Master soon would be there;

The harriettes were clothed all snug in their sweats,
Speaking, as usual, like they all had Tourette's;
And Pick 'n' Flick in her headband, and I in my sarong,
Were up for a trail, no matter how long,

When from a neighboring junkyard there arose such a clatter,
We ran for the fence to see what was the matter,
Over the chain link we hopped in a flash,
Ripped our shorts on the top - what the hell, it's a hash;

The full moon shone down on a field of old tires,
And a group of hobos, warming hands round a fire,
When what to our wondering eyes should be there,
But the Grand Master - and dressed as a hare!

With a great big beer belly, and a tankard of lager,
I feared the GM would soon lead us to slaughter;
More rapid than eagles his co-hares they came,
And he guzzled, and belched, and called them by name:

"Now ZiPpy! now, Mullet! now, Floppy and Sex Toy!
On, Access! on, oPie!, on Swamp Bitch and Rude Boy!
Through the worst of the shiggy, through valley and dale,
Now, hare away, hare away, lay us a trail!"

As dry heaves that after indulgence do retch,
The hares sprinted off with nary a stretch,
And into the woods with their flour they flew,
While we sang Father Abraham - and Wanking Day too.

And then of a sudden, headlights loomed in the dark,
And we watched in silence as a strange car did park;
Then from this rust-bucket there sprang with a hail,
The Religious Advisor - who we thought was in jail.

He was dressed in hash rags from his head to his crotch,
And his clothes were all stained with semen and scotch,
His mouth it hung open in a great gaping leer,
And all four of his chins did glisten with beer.

A well-worn hash whistle he held tight in his teeth,
And his BO encircled the pack like a wreath;
Our long-missing Hash Shit did he clutch in his hand,
And he looked like an escapee from no-mans' land.

His eyes, how bloodshot! His nostrils, how hairy!
His cheeks were all stubbled, like Yassur's, how very;
His nose was all runny and his stomach did sag,
The way it rolled over his pudendae, even Jammies did gag.

He was a trailer park reject, a man of no status,
She Mussel laughed when she saw him, while AD passed flatus;
And the droop of his eye, and the point of his head,
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.

He said not a word, but went straight to the tap,
And filled up his mug, the free-loading sap;
Then putting a finger up one side of his nose,
Blew a great wad of snot, then wiped it off on his clothes.

He took off down the trail, leaving us stunned,
It was hard to believe the fat fuck could actually run;
But we heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all hashers, and to all a good night!"

THE NINE DAZE OF CHRISTMAS
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Melody - The Twelve Days Of Christmas
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Eight healthy roaches
Seven cubes of crack
Six joints a'smoking
Five pounds of hashish
Four pink pills
Three snorts of coke
Two hits of acid
And a dime bag of Panama Red

Spoken (?):
On the ninth day, everybody OD'd and they were all rushed to the hospital where they were given nine wiffs of nitro, and nine bottles of Valium. Then everybody OD's on Valium and dies.

OH EVERCLEAR
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Melody - Oh Tannenbaum
Contributed by Tree Humper

Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
You make me stagger and weave.
Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
You make me choke and heave.
My eyes are blind, they cannot see,
My knees they buckle under me.
Oh Everclear, oh Everclear,
What would I do without thee?

OH KENNEDY
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Melody - Oh Tannenbaum
Contributed by Derek Cashman

Oh Kennedy, oh Kennedy,
Clan of fornication.
If it be a girl he sees,
His dick is at half-station.

It matters not, of whom we talk,
They're all the same, chips off the block.
Oh Kennedy, oh Kennedy,
Skirts you're always chasing.

OH PENIS HEAD
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Melody - Oh Tannenbaum
By Hung Like A Centipede of the Big Heads H3

Oh Penis Head, Oh Penis Head;
You reall need a strokin'.
Oh Penis Head, Oh Penis Head;
You're gonna get a chokin'.

My hand is warm,
And slippery too.
Stroke you up and down,
'Til you spit goo.

Oh Penis Head, Oh Penis Head;
We really need some pokin'.

OZZY THE RED NOSE HASHER
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Melody - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Contributed by Gypsy, Sarnia HHH

Ozzy the red nose hasher
Has a tattoo on his ass
And if you want to see it
All you have to do is ask.

Out to the Squire Tavern
To do a Tequila body shot
And if you've ever done one
You know that they can make you HOT

Then on this Sarnia's Christmas Run
Gypsy came to say:
"Ozzy with your bar so near
I think we need 10 more kegs of beer?"

Oh how these hashers loved him
And they shouted as they peed
Ozzy the Red nose Hasher
You'll go down in hastory.

POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA
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A poem by Harvey Ehrlich

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck . . .
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And Equal Employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets . . . they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football . . . someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brains away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere ... even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth . . .
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

RED FLAG
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Melody - O Christmas Tree

The working class
Can kiss my arse,
I've got the foreman's job at last.
I'm out of work,
And on the dole,
You can stuff the red flag
Up your hole.

'Twas on Gibraltar's rock, so fair,
I saw a maiden lying there.
And as she lay in sweet repose,
A puff of wind blew up her clothes.
A sailor who was passing by,
Tipped his hat and winked his eye.
And then he saw to his despair,
She had the red flag flying there.

THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID "GENTLEMEN"
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Melody - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material?)

The restroom door said "Gentlemen" so I just walked inside,
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied
By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse,
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?

The restroom door said "Gentlemen," it must have been a gag.
As soon as I did walk therein, I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of Mace and hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't cut out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't cut out to be my day!

The restroom door said "Gentlemen" and I would like to find,
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.

RUDOLPH THE RED KNOBBED REINDEER"
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Melody - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph the red-knobbed reindeer,
Had a very smelly cock,
And if you ever saw it,
You would prob'ly die of shock.
His foreskin was full of maggots,
Had blisters, pox and clap,
He had no hope of shagging,
He was a very sorry chap.
Then one frosty Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"You red knob is an awful sight,
Please don't pull my sleigh tonight."
Rudolph he was so unhappy,
So far away did he trot,
Rudolph enjoyed jerking off in,
Everybody's chimney pot.

RUM PUM PUM PUM
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Melody - Little Drummer Boy

I stick my fingers up, my rum pum pum pum,
And then massage my prostate with my thumb,
It makes me piss my pants and turns my nuts numb,
And up my anal hole you'll find bubble gum,
Why not chew some,
Fresh from my bum.

My large intestine's smeared with cum cum cum cum,
I think my roommate Lance deposited some,
Much better there than in my tummy tum tum,
I'll deuche my anal hole with a bottle of rum,
I look like a bum,
Here in this slum,
With my thumb up my bum.

RUSTY CAR
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Melody - Jingle Bells
Contributed by Derek Cashman

Dashing through the snow, in my rusty Chevrolet,
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings, I need some new snow tires,
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire.

Oh, rust and smoke, heater's broke, the door just blew away,
I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay,
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet.

I went to IGA, to get some Christmas cheer,
I just passed up my left front tire, and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops,
I have to drag my swampers just to get the thing to stop.

Oh, rust and smoke, heater's broke, the door just blew away,
I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay,
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet.

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke,
People laugh as I drive by, I wonder what's the joke?
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
'Cause Santa's coming soon in his big old rusty sleigh.

Oh, rust and smoke, heater's broke, the door just blew away,
I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay,
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet. Hey!

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
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Melody - Same
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.

SANTA CLAUSE IS CUMMING ON YOU
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Melody: Santa Clause is Coming to Town
Contributed by NN Chad, Seoul Southsdie H3

Oh, you better beware –
It could be your turn.
You better prepare
To be showered with sperm.

Santa Claus is cumming — on you!

He's got a trenchcoat,
'Cause he's wearing no pants.
He'll bugger you good
If you give him a chance.

Santa Claus is cumming — on you!

He'll sieze you when you're sleeping,
He'll fuck you wide awake.
He'll leave you wet and dripping,
So lock your door, for goodness sakes!

He's got a big fist
And jerking it twice.
He'll pop a big load —
That's his favorite vice.

Santa Claus is cumming — on you!

SANTA LIMERICKS
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By Flying Booger

That jolly old fattie, Saint Nick,
Felt a great need to go dip his wick,
So he buggered poor Vixen,
Two elves, and then Blitzen,
With jingle bells tied to his prick.

When Mrs. Claus heard of this tryst,
Her reaction was not very nice,
With the whip from his sleigh,
His plump butt she did flay,
Then said, "He won't do this twice!"

Santa, feigning shame and remorse,
Begged her not to file for divorce,
But that night in the toolshed,
He took on Comet and Cupid,
And a dwarf who was hung like a horse.

SANTA'S WHORE IS CUMMING TO TOWN
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Melody - Santa Claus is Comming to Town

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You're gonna go dry,
I'm telling you why,
Santa's whore is cumming to town.

She's making a fist,
She's stroking it twice,
She's grabbing your balls,
And checking for lice,
Santa's whore is cumming to town.

She blows you when it's flaccid,
She humps you when it's stiff,
She don't care if you're bad or good,
She'll make you take a whiff.
v You better watch out,
She'll sit on your face,
When your cock's dried out,
She'll put your thumb in its place,
Santa's whore is cumming to town.

SATANIC BELLS
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Melody - Jingle Bells

Thrashing through the snow
In a seven-demon sleigh
Running over priests
Laughing all the way (evil chuckle - har har har)
Bells on barbtails ring making spirits blight
What fun it is to slash and sing
Santa dies tonight

Oh Santa dies, gouge his eyes
Oh what misery
He won't come to visit you with
Presents for the tree
Now he's dead, there's his head
Rolling down the street
Demons playing soccer with their
Little cloven feet

Now Santa made a deal
With Lucifer last night
But it seems that Santa made
A tiny oversight
The contract was brought out
And Santa read it well
But he didn't read the part that said
He'd give his soul to Hell

Oh flames of sin now begin
Red suit burning bright
Little boys and girls won't get their
Gifts on Christmas night
Burning flesh, nice and fresh
With a flaming sash
Satan is the ruler here
And so Shemhamforash

SCRATCH YOUR BALLS
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Tune: Deck The Halls

Scratch your balls and squeeze your dolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
‘Tis the time for foolish folly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Down we now our beer by barrels,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Then take off our Date’s apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la

SILENT NIGHT
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Melody - Silent Night

Silent night, foggy night,
Somebody pfffffft!, smells like shite,
Who's the bastard that dropped his guts,
I hope it blew a hole in his nuts,
That will make him sing higher,
And bring a tear to his eye.

SODOMY, MASTURBATE
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Melody - Silent Night

Sodomy, masturbate, fellatio, copulate,
Round the world and Hershey highway,
Fornicating in the hay,
These are tricks that I lo-ove
These are tricks that I love.

Condom, prophylactic,
Spermicide does the trick.
IUD's and birth control pills,
Pull it out and let it spill,
These will make it sa-afe,
These will make it safe.

TEDDY THE RED-NOSED SENATOR
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Melody - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You were probably near a bar.

All the other Senators,
Wondered how he got his dames,
They thought he was too fucking drunk,
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"

That's how the police found them,
Wrapped around a maple tree,
Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
He's a drunken S.O.B.
He's a drunken S.O.B.

TIGHT PUSSY
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Melody - White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a tight pussy,
Just like the ones I used to nose.
Where those pubies glisten,
When she's done pissin',
She lets it drip-dry on her toes.

I'm dreaming of a wet snapper,
With every nipple that I bite.
May your girlfriend's pussy stay tiiiiight,
And may all your condoms fit right.

'TWAS THE DECEMBER FULL MOON
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By Flying Booger

'Twas the December Full Moon, and all through the land,
Hashers were stirring, the night would be grand;
Their hash bags were stuffed in the B-Van with care,
In hopes the Grand Master soon would be there;

The harriers were clothed all snug in their sweats,
Speaking, as usual, like they all had Tourette's;
And Cannibis in his headband, and I in my vest,
Were up for a trail, and feeling our best,

When from a neighboring junkyard there arose such a clatter,
We ran for the fence to see what was the matter,
Over the chain link we hopped in a flash,
Ripped our shorts on the top - what the hell, it's a hash;

The full moon shone down on a pile of old tires,
And a group of hobos, warming hands round a fire,
When what to our wondering eyes should be there,
But Communicable Disease - and dressed as a hare!

With a great big flour bag, and a tankard of lager,
I feared that CD would soon lead us to slaughter;
More rapid than eagles his co-hares they came,
And he guzzled, and farted, and called them by name:

"Now Chief! now Cervix! now Vagrant and Dribbles!
On, Meat Gazer! on Sloppy!, on CHASE and Yoda!
Through the worst of the shiggy, through valley and dale,
Now, hare away, hare away, lay us a trail!"

As dry heaves that after indulgence do spasm,
The hares they wanked off in a shower of jism,
And into the woods with their flour they flew,
While we sang Father Abraham - and Wanking Day too.

And then of a sudden, headlights loomed in the dark,
And we watched in silence as a strange car did park;
Then from this rust-bucket there sprang with a hail,
Joe 2X4 Beam - who we thought was in jail.

He was dressed in hash rags from his head to his crotch,
And his vestments were stained with semen and scotch,
His mouth it hung open in a great gaping leer,
And his unshaven chin did glisten with beer.

A well-worn hash whistle he held tight with his tooth,
And his BO enveloped us like a cheap suit;
Our long-missing Hash Shit he did clutch in his hand,
And he looked like an escapee from no-mans' land.

His eyes, how bloodshot! His nostrils, how hairy!
His cheeks were all stubbled, like Yassur's, how very;
His nose was all runny and his stomach did sag,
The way it rolled over his pudendae, even Hazardous gagged.

He was a trailer park reject, a man of no status,
Booger belched when he saw him, while IBM passed flatus;
And the droop of his eye, and the point of his head,
Soon gave us to know we had nothing to dread.

He said not a word, but went straight to the tap,
And filled up his mug, the free-loading sap;
Then putting a finger up one side of his nose,
Blew a great wad of snot, then wiped it off on his clothes.

He took off down the trail, leaving us stunned,
Who'd of thought that old drunk could actually run;
But we heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all hashers, and to all a good night!"

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
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Recitation

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
We had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube,
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll stay for a while."
He walked to the kitchen and poured him a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids; Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, and took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf . . . this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is that you can't wear it out!"

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS # 1
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Melody - The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me:
Twelve hairy harlots,
Eleven lecherous lesbians,
Ten tired trollops,
Nine naughty nuns,
Eight useless eunuchs,
Seven sex-starved sisters,
Six convicted vicars,
Five choir boys!
Four windmill girls,
Three boy scouts,
Two virgin queens,
And a pervert in a pantry.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS # 2
by Flying Booger, 1996

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My GM gave to me:
Twelve streams a'leaping,
Eleven unmarked bad trails,
Ten two-mile back checks,
Nine nests of hornets,
Eight railroad trestles,
Seven outraged farmers,
Six chain-link fences,
Five neck-deep swamps,
Four clumps of shiggy,
Three forest rangers,
Two down-downs,
And a long sit on a block of ice.

THE TWELVE REDNECK DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
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Melody - The Twelve Days Of Christmas
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material?)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Twelve cans of Bud
Eleven rasslin' tickets
Ten tins of Copenhagen
Nine years' probation
Eight table dances
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four Mud Grip tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.

THE TWELVE RUNS OF HASHING
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Contributed by Gypsy, Sarnia HHH

On the twelve run of hashing those wankers gave to me,
Twelve tits a showing
Eleven heathens preaching
Ten toes to suck on
Nine drunks a puking
Eight bimbos milking
Seven swamps to swim in
Six assholes mooning
My own hash name
Four soggy sneakers
Three jolly down-downs
Two turtle stops
And enough beer to make us go pee!

WALKIN' 'ROUND IN WOMENS' UNDERWEAR
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Melody - Winter Wonderland
People have heard this on the radio, so it's a copyrighted song, but hashers mainly remember it as performed by Rose Eh and Sex Toy of the Hogtown HHH at World Interhash '94 and the Pissburgh 600th

Lacy things, the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say are you ready, I'll say whoa man,
Let's wait until the wife is out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.

Lacy things the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.
Walkin' round in womens' underwear.

WALKIN' WITH MY PECKER IN YOUR HAND
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Melody - Winter Wonderland

Sleigh bells ring,
The seasons merry,
You don't want,
To pop your cherry,
Though you don't want to lay,
We'll frolic and play,
Walkin with my pecker in your hand.

On your lips,
Sperm is glistenin',
Suck it in,
While your whistlin',
A caroling song,
As we move along,
Walkin with my pecker in your hand.

We can build a snowman on the front porch,
And pretend that he's a circus clown,
Later on we can get a blowtorch,
And turn his nuts a funny shady of brown.

Spread your cheeks,
Put my fist in,
You can scream,
No one's listening,
A beautiful night,
My arm's outta sight,
I wonder if my ring's still on my hand,
Hate to go and lose my wedding band!

WE THREE KINGSV
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Melody - We Three Kings of Orient Are
Contributed by Derek Cashman

We three kings of Orient are,
One on a bicycle, one in a car,
One on a scooter, banging his hooter,
Following yonder star.

We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a rubber cigar,
One was loaded, it exploded,
Now we're on yonder star.

We three kings of Madison Square,
Trying to see this cheap underwear,
They're fantastic, no elastic,
Twenty-five cents the pair.

WE THREE QUEENS
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Melody - We Three Kings of Orient Are
By Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH

We three Queens of BHHH are
Wearing pink, we hash from the bar
Moor and mountain field and fountain
Sple - e- ndid in a bra.

CHORUS:
O! poofters mincing, poofters queer
Prancing ON with simpering leer
0N-ward ever, checking never
Guide us to a crate of beer

Born as Queens in Barbados fair
Lace we bring and stockings to wear
Queens forever, belts of le-e-eather
Ri-ibbons in our hair.

Chorus

Petticoats to offer have we
Frilly skirts that reach to the knee
Ladies dating, maids in waiting
Gi-i-rlies we would be

Chorus

Plaits are ours and pretty perfume
Hashing through the gathering gloom
We hear Rami wants to be Spa- a-mmy
Sporting a flowery bloom.

Chorus

Glorious now behold us arise
Fortified by Patti's pork pies
Aren't we saintly ladies dai-ainty
Mascara round our eyes.

Chorus

WE WISH YOU WOULD FIX THE BUDGET
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Melody - We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Contributed by Derek Cashman

We wish you would fix the budget,
We wish you would fix the budget,
We wish you would fix the budget,
For the fiscal year.

Impeachment we bring,
To you and your kin,
We wish you would fix the budget,
Then get out of here.

We all like a balanced budget,
We all like a balanced budget,
We all like a balanced budget,
And a guy who's sincere.

This Whitewater deal,
Has gotten surreal,
Can you please stop the scandal,
Then get out of here?

You can't play the saxophone, Bill,
You can't play the saxophone, Bill,
You can't play the saxophone, Bill,
We cover our ears.

When Hillary's here,
You live life in fear,
Socks has more morals,
Than you do, my dear.

You won't get re-elected,
You won't get re-elected,
You won't get re-elected,
You'll be gone in two years.

We wish you would fix the budget,
We wish you would fix the budget,
We wish you COULD fix the budget,
Now get out of here.

WHILE THE KIWIS SHAGGED
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Melody - While Shepherds Watched
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

While the Kiwis shagged their flocks by night,
All laying on the ground,
Up jumped the Aussie doctor and said,
"Stop that and I'll buy a round."

"Fear not," said they,
For fear of AIDS had seized the doctor's mind,
"Before we Kiwis take a new bride,
We clean out her behind."

So you girls waiting for the question popped,
You won't get very far,
If you want to take a Kiwi mate,
You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa."

WHIPS AND CHAINS
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Melody - Silver Bells
Contributed by Tree Humper

Walking sidewalks, city sidewalks
In her leather and heels,
In my pants there's a feeling of stiffness.

Her name's Bambi, and it may be,
That tonight I might catch,
A face full of Bambi's pink snatch.

Whips and chains (whips and chains),
Beat me lame (beat me lame),
My only pleasure is pain.
Crush my balls (crush my balls),
Make me crawl (make me crawl),
Bambi please make me your slave.

WHITE HASHMAS
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Melody - White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
As I masturbate in bed,
Dreaming of juicy Lucy and Rock Hard's floozies,
And a katoey giving me head,
I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
With every stroke of my old man,
Oh, I think I'm coming,
I know I'm coming,
Oh, won't Hashmas be so grand.

WINTER WONDERLAND
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Melody - Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland
Contributed by Tree Humper

On her thighs sweat is glistenin'
To her moans you are listenin'.
Oh what a time we're having tonight
Humpin' in a winter wonderland.

In the winter do it in the snow man
Careful you don't get a frost bit nut.
If she says she'll do it, then say blow ma'am
It great to start the evening going down.

Later on when we tire
Warm our ass by the fire.
Oh what a night, her pussy's so tight
Humpin' in a winter wonderland.

WONDER WHERE I AM
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Melody - Winter Wonderland
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material)

At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bicardi.
I never get sauced,
But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Someone caught me dancing with a snowman.
A policeman came and put me in his car.
He said, "Are you drunk?" and I say, "No, man,
But could you drop me off at the next bar?"

I guess my wife must be missing.
Who's this dog that I'm kissing?
They say his name's Spot,
And he likes me . . . a lot!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I was looking for a woman I could dance with
So I stood beneath the mistletoe.
Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if
You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes!

I'm naked. Is it still snowing?
It's time I should leave,
(But) I'll be back New Year's Eve!!

It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

YASS, YASS, YASS
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
When out by the chimney I heard something pass,
It was Santa Claus slippin' on his yass, yass, yass . . .

YOU GOT AWAY WITH MURDER
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Melody - Away in the Manger

You got away with murder,
Two people are dead,
Disemboweled Ron Goldman,
Cut off Nicole's head.
It's hard to believe,
That you're feeling remorse,
You won't find the real killer,
Unless he's on the golf course!