FAMOUS HARRIETTES

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All the Nice Girls
Alouette
Amazing Grace
Carolina
Cemetary Sue
Clementine
Daisy, Daisy
Dinah
Dying Harlot
Fifty Ways to Fuck Your Mother
Fuckin' Hell She's Ugly
Girl from Baltimore (aka Singapore)
Harlot of Jerusalem
Jocelyn Elders
Lady Hardonna
Lulu
Lupe
Madeline Schmidt
Maggy May
Mary
Mary Anne Burns
Mary Ann Mccarthy
Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter
Miss Lee's Hoochie
M-O-T-H-E-R
Mrs. McVitie
Mrs. Puggy-Wuggy
My Mother-In-Law
My Sister Lily
Nancy Brown
Nellie Darling
Nellie 'Awkins
None is Bigger Than Mine
On Top of Old Sophie
Peg O'My Heart
Poor Lil
Poor Little Angeline
Sally in the Alley
Seamstress' Song
Seven Old Ladies
She'll be Puffin' Like a Steam Train When She Cums
She's a Most Immoral Lady
Short Song
Someone's in the Kitchen With Dinah
Suckanya
Sweet Antoinette
Vanessa Picklegin
When I Was a Little Girl
When Lady Jane Became a Tart
Winnipeg Whore
You Take the Legs Off Betty Grable



ALL THE NICE GIRLS

Melody - Ship Ahoy
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

When the man-'o-war or merchant ship,
Comes sailing into port,
The jolly tar with joy,
Will sing out "Land ahoy!"
With his pockets full of money,
And a parrot in a cage,
He smiles at all the pretty girls,
Upon the landing stage.

All the nice girls love a sailor, all the nice girls love a tar.
'Cause there's something about a sailor,
Well, you know what sailors are.
Bright and breezy, free and easy,
He's the ladies' pride and joy.
He's been up our Lady Jane, and he's going up again,
Ship ahoy, sailor boy.

Jack is partial to the yellow girls,
Across the Eastern seas.
With lovely almond eyes,
The tar they hypnotise.
And when he goes to the Sandwich Isles,
He loves the dusky belles,
Dressed up a la Salome,
Colored beads and oyster shells.

All the nice girls like a candle, all the nice girls like a wick,
Because there's something about a candle,
That reminds them of a prick.
Nice and greasy, slips in easy,
It's the surest way to joy,
It's been up the Queen of Saipan,
And it's going up again,
Syph ahoy, syph ahoy.

He will spend his money freely,
And he's generous to his pals.
While Jack has got a sou,
There's half of it for you.
And it's just the same in love or war,
He goes through with a smile.
And you can trust a sailor,
He's a white man all the while.

All the nice boys like a harlot, all the nice boys like a whore,
Because there's something about a harlot,
That they've never known before.
She'll be willing, for a shilling,
And she'll pep you up, my boy,
But she'll leave you on the rocks,
With a bloody good dose of pox,
Syph ahoy, syph ahoy.

EXTRA VERSE:
All the parsons like a choir boy, all the parsons like a bum,
Because there's something about a choir boy,
That would make an angel come.
Roll him over, sleep in clover,
It's a curate's only joy,
And you needn't give a rap,
For you'll never catch the clap,
Syph ahoy, syph ahoy.

ALOUETTE
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Melody - Alouette
(Unsuspecting female volunteer needed)

CHORUS:
Alouette, gentille Alouette,
Alouette je te plumerai.

Leader: Does she have ze stringy hair?
All: Oui, she has ze stringy hair.
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . (chorus)

Leader: Does she have ze furrowed brow?
All: Oui, she has ze furrowed brow,
Leader: Furrowed brow,
All: Furrowed brow,
Leader: Stringy hair,
All: Stringy hair,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, ahh . . . (chorus)

Wooden eye (Yes I would!) . . .
Broken nose . . .
Blow job lips . . .
Two buck teeth . . .
Double chin . . .
Swinging tits . . .
Beer belly . . .
Bulbous butt . . .
Furry thing . . .

Leader: Now isn't she a nice-a girl?
All: Oui, she is a nice-a girl,
Leader: Nice-a girl,
All: Nice-a girl,
Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah . . .

Chorus

Leader/all: How I love her (repeat all)

AMAZING GRACE
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Melody - Same
Amazing Grace, how sweet her snatch, that takes a cock like mine,
I once got lost within her thatch, and stuffed her tight behind.

Amazing Grace, her round her tits, how tasty in my mouth,
One nipple points up to the north, the other one sags south.

Amazing Grace, how sweet her clit, just like an oyster pearl,
It nestles deep between two lips, among her pubic curls.

Amazing Grace how deep her hole, the best in all the land,
I tried to put two fingers in and nearly lost my hand.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the girl, she has a lovely heart,
She smells divine when wearing Chanel, and awful when she farts.

Amazing Grace, I love you so, will you sit on my face?
You taste divine, I love you so - oh please Amazing Grace?

Amazing Grace, how large her cunt, no cock can touch the sides,
Southend Rugby Football Club, all fucked Grace and got lost inside.

CAROLINA
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Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike

Way down in Alabama where the bullshit lies thick,
The girls are so pretty that the babies come quick,
There lives Carolina, the queen of them all,
Carolina, Carolina, the cowpuncher's whore.

She's handy, she's randy, she shags in the street,
Whenever you meet her, she's always in heat,
If you leave your fly open she's after your meat,
And the bouquet of her cunt knocks you right off your feet.

One night I was riding way down by the falls,
One hand on my pistol, one hand on my balls,
I saw Carolina there using a stick,
Instead of the end of a cowpuncher's prick.

I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down there,
And parted her tresses of curly brown hair,
Inserted the prick of my sturdy roan horse,
And then there began a strange intercourse.

Faster and faster went my sturdy steed,
Until Carolina rejoiced at the speed,
When all of a sudden my horse did backfire,
And shot Carolina right into the mire.

Up got Carolina all covered in muck,
And said, "Oh dear, what a glorious fuck,"
Took two paces forward and fell to the floor,
And that was the end of that cowpuncher's whore.

CEMETERY SUE
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Melody - Unknown

They say a hard man is always good to find,
If he's three days dead then Sue don't mind
Ask her what she wants and she'll say she'll have a
Dose of rigor mortis from a fresh cadaver.

If the hearse is rocking,
Then don't bother knocking,
Cos there's room in a coffin for two,
She's the undertaker's daughter,
No better than she oughta,
Be, that's Cemetery Sue.

If Sue can find a stiff with a damn great hard on,
The situation's grave if you'll beg my pardon,
He won't get buried till after he's been laid,
Cos the undertaker's daughter is a dead good maid.

An erection can be charming,
When after the embalming,
It stays up for a week or two,
There's more than one young lad,
Who's been laid upon the slab,
Thanks to Cemetery Sue.

At nights you'll find the casket will be tossing,
If a cold hard man is laid out in a coffin,
It's such a waste to proceed with decent burial,
Until he's given the last rites necrophilial.

In the funeral parlor,
Sue finds the men are harder,
And they stay like that for a while,
If their dick's gone wooden,
She knows she's got a good un,
She's a dedicated necrophile.

If there's something Sue really likes to handle,
It's a corpse all white with dick like a candle,
At the crematorium he won't go up in smoke,
Till Cemetery Sue has had a posthumous poke.

A corpse will never come,
But stays solid as a gun,
For as long she cares to ride,
He may be young or old
And his body may be cold,
But his dick will get warmed inside.

The police bring her corpses in a zip-lock body bag,
First they get autopsied and then they get a shag,
They may be lying silent with arms folded on their breast,
Dead men tell no secrets, and dead men get no rest:

Sue will have them all,
Till the maggots start to crawl,
As long as there's rigor in his prick,
Her passion is unfettered,
And the shagging is much better,
With a rock-hard week dead dick.

The cold of a corpse will ignite Sue's ardour,
She can always find a stiff at the funeral parlour,
Ask her what she wants and she'll say she'd rather
Have a dose of rigor mortis from a fresh cadaver.

(Add verses and choruses as mood dictates)

CLEMENTINE
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Melody - Darling Clementine

There she stood beside the bar rail,
Drinking pink gins for two bits,
And the stinking whiskey drinkers,
Stood in awe before her tits.

CHORUS:
I own my darlin', I owe my darlin',
I owe my darlin' Clementine,
Three bent pennies and a nickle,
Oh my darlin' Clementine.

Eyes of whiskey, lips of water,
As she vomits in my beer,
Greets the daylight at her window,
With a fucking warming leer.

Hung me guitar on the bar rail,
At the sweetness of the sign,
In one leap leapt out me trousers,
Plunged into the foaming brine.

She was bawdy, she was lusty,
She had no match in her bazoom,
As they sprang forth from her bodice,
Like a melon tree in bloom.

Oh the oak tree and the cypress,
Never more together twine,
Since that creeping poison ivy,
Laid its blight on Clementine.

DAISY, DAISY
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Melody - Daisy, Daisy

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a ten-inch hard-on,
From beating my meat against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.

DINAH
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Melody - Itself
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
Show us your leg, show us your leg,
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
A yard above your knee.

I wish I were the diamond ring,
On Dinah's dainty hand,
Then, every time she wiped her ass,
I'd see the promised LAND, LAND, LAND!

The rich girl rides a limousine,
The poor girl rides a truck,
But the only ride that Dinah has,
Is when she has a RIGHT GOOD FUCK!

The rich girl uses a sanitary towel,
The poor girl uses a sheet,
But Dinah uses nothing at all,
Leaves a trail along the STREET, STREET, STREET!

The rich girl wears a ring of gold,
The poor girl one of brass,
But the only ring that Dinah wears,
Is the one around her ASS, ASS, ASS!

The rich girl wears a brassiere,
The poor girl uses string,
But Dinah uses nothing at all,
She lets the bastards SWING, SWING, SWING!

The rich girl uses Vaseline,
The poor girl uses lard,
But Dinah uses axle grease,
Because her cunt's so HARD, HARD, HARD!

The rich girl works in factories,
The poor girl works in stores,
But Dinah works in a honky-tonk,
With forty other WHORES, WHORES, WHORES!

THE DYING HARLOT (Three versions)
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Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

Oh, a strapping young harlot lay dying,
A pisspot supporting her head,
And all the young bludgers were 'round her,
As she leaned on her left tit and said,
"I've been stuffed by the Dutchies and Negroes,
I've been stuffed by the Spaniards so tall,
I've been stuffed by the English and Irish,
In fact, I've been fucked by them all.
So wrap me in foreskins and Frenchies,
And bury me deep down below,
Where all those young bludgers can't catch me,
The place where all good harlots go."

A dirty old harlot lay dying,
A pisspot supporting her head,
All around her the bludgers were crying,
As she leant on her left tit and said,
"I've been fucked by the French and the English,
The Germans, the Japs, and the Jews,
And now I've come back to Australia,
To be buggered by bastards like you,
So haul back your filthy old foreskins,
And give me the pride of your nuts."
So they hauled back their filthy old foreskins,
And played Home Sweet Home on her guts.

The dirty old harlot lay dying,
A cunt-rag supported her head,
The blowflies around her were buzzing,
As she turned on her left tit and said,
"I've been fucked by the army and navy,
By a bull-fighting toreador,
By Abos and dingoes and dagos,
But never by blowflies before."

FIFTY WAYS TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER
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Melody - Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, by Paul Simon
Lyrics: Kaye & Christian @ The Humour Consortium (copyrighted material)

The problem is all to do with head she said to me,
The answer is easy if you take it orally,
I'd like to help you with your problem, son, tonight,
There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother.

He said it's really not my habit to extrude,
Furtermore, I hope my plumbing won't be lost or misconstrued,
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude,
There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother.
There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother.

Just slip in the back, Jack,
Wham, bam, slam, Stan,
No need to be coy, Roy,
Just listen to me.

Use some thrust, Gus,
We don't need to discuss much,
You know the key, Lee,
Just get it for free.

She said it excites me so to see you in such pain,
I wish there was something I could do to make you groan again,
I said I appreciate that and Mama, please explain,
There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother.

She said why don't I just tie you up tonight,
And I believe that in the morning you'll put up less a fight,
And then she blew me,
And I realized she probably was right.
There must be fifty ways to fuck your mother.
Fifty ways to fuck your mother.

FUCKIN' HELL SHE'S UGLY
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Melody - All I Want is a Room Somewhere
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

All I want is a whore somewhere,
Great big labia, no pubic hair,
Open mouth with no teeth there,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

Great big tits that hang so slack,
One is yellow and the other black,
Oh boy, have you seen her crack?
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She's got stretch marks on her guts,
Just like all the other sluts,
An abortion mark that opens and shuts,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

Took her home to meet me mum,
Dad saw her and nearly cum,
"Son," he said, "have you seen her bum?"
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She's hunch backed with a broken nose,
Got one club foot with an ingrown toe,
Her menstrual flow comes out of her nose,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She's got acne you wouldn't believe,
Broken teeth and breath like cheese,
Her pubic hair is alive with fleas,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She wears a wig 'cause she's got no hair,
The shit do cling to her underwear,
I should know 'cause I've been there,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She buys her clothes in Pasar Baru,
To keep them on she uses glue,
When I take her out my mates all spew,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

Her wooden leg is far too short,
Her one glass eye's got a list to port,
I've shagged her mum, she's such a sport,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

I met her when she was thrity-five,
I looked into those criss-crossed eyes,
It was hard to tell if she was dead or alive,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She said, "Grab me by my private parts,"
As I did she blew out a fart,
Followed with a grunt from within her cunt,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

She said, "Grab me again while the feelin' lasts,
Then you can poke me up the ass."
I said, "No, I think I'll pass."
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

Now she's dead and there ain't no more,
I fucked to death that rotten whore,
My balls are red and my dick's so sore,
Oh fuckin' hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.

THE GIRL FROM BALTIMORE (AKA SNGAPORE)
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Melody - ???

Oh she went to the church just to pray for the people,
But the funk of her cunt knocked the cross off the steeple.

CHORUS:
She's a dirty motherfucker,
She's a rotten whore,
She's the girl from Baltimore.
What did the drunk say?
(Clutch ass and tits):
Bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum,
Titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum.

Oh she went to the well just to make a wish,
But the . . . knocked off all the fish.

Oh she went for a ride on her motorcycle,
But the . . . knocked the chain off the cycle.

She visited Jakarta on a medical trip,
But the . . . just continued to drip.

She laid a Wednesday run just for a caper,
Using the . . . instead of using paper.

She laid it round a . . . late one afternoon,
But the . . . knocked the star off the moon.

She took a short cut just to get back quicker,
But the . . . made the shiggy thicker.

She led them down a cliff just to test their reaction,
But the . . . made them lose all their traction.

They made her sing a song at the end of the day,
But the . . . made the circle go away.

At last she was a leaver and we gave her a mug,
But the . . . was enough to fill her jug.

THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM
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Melody - London Bridge is Falling Down

In days of old there lived a maid,
She was mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

CHORUS:
Hi, ho, Cathusalem,
Cathusalem, Cathusalem,
Hi, ho, Cathusalem,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

And though she fucked for many a year,
Of pregnancy she had no fear,
She washed her passage out with beer,
The best in all Jerusalem.

Now in a hovel by the wall,
A student lived with but one ball,
Who'd been through all, or nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.

His phallic art was lean and tall,
His phallic art caused all to fall,
And victims lined the wailing wall,
That goes around Jerusalem.

One night returning from a spree,
With customary whore-lust he,
Made up his mind to call and see,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

It was for her no fortune good,
That he should need to root his pud,
And choose her out of all the brood,
Of harlots of Jerusalem.

For though he paid his women well,
This syphilitic spawn of hell,
Struck down each year and tolled the bell,
For ten harlots of Jerusalem.

Forth from the town he took the slut,
For 'twas his whim always to rut,
By the Salvation Army hut,
Outside of Old Jerusalem.

With artful eye and leering look,
He took out from its filthy nook,
His penis twisted like a crook,
The Pride of Old Jerusalem.

He leaned the whore against the slum,
And tied her at the knee and bum,
Knowing where the strain would come,
Upon the fair Cathusalem.

He seized the harlot by the bum,
And rattling like a Lewis gun,
He sowed the seed of many a son,
Into the fair Cathusalem.

It was a sight to make you sick,
To hear him grunt so fast and quick,
While rending with his crooked prick,
The womb of fair Cathusalem.

Then up there came an Onanite,
With warty prick besmeared with shite,
He'd sworn that he would goal that night,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

He loathed the art of copulation,
For his delight was masturbation,
And with a spurt of cruel elation,
He saw the whore Cathusalem.

So when he saw the grunting pair,
With roars of rage he rent the air,
And vowed that he would soon take care,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.

Upon the earth he found a stick,
To which he fastened half a brick,
And took a swipe at the mighty prick,
Of the student of Jerusalem.

He seized the bastard by the crook,
With a burning furious look,
And flung him over Kedrun's Brook,
That babbles past Jerusalem.

The student gave a furious roar,
And rushed to even up the score,
And with his swollen prick did bore,
The cunt of fair Cathusalem.

And reeling full of rage and fight,
He pushed the bastard Onanite,
And rubbed his face in Cathy's shite,
The foulest in Jerusalem.

Cathusalem she knew her part,
She closed her cunt and blew a fart,
That sent him flying like a dart,
Right over Old Jerusalem.

And buzzing like a bumble bee,
He flew straight out towards the sea,
But caught his arsehole in a tree,
That grows in Old Jerusalem.

And to this day you still can see,
His arsehole hanging from that tree,
Let that to you a warning be,
When passing through Jerusalem.

And when the moon is bright and red,
A castrated form sails overhead,
Still raining curses on the head,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
As for the student and his lass,
Many a playful night did pass,
Until she joined the VD class,
For harlots of Jerusalem.

JOCELYN ELDERS
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Melody - Yankee Doodle
Composed by Flying Booger

Jocelyn Elders lay in bed,
A-rubbin' on her plumbing,
She thought it safer than a lay,
The only way for cumming.

Jocelyn Elders, stir it up,
Jocylyn, are you randy?
Jocelyn Elders, rub it hard,
You are so very handy.

LADY HARDONNA
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Melody - Lady Madonna
From the Kiss My Hash House Harriers, Tex-ass

Lady Hardonna, men at your feet,
Wonder how you manage to beat their meat.
You find the money, when you need to pay the rent,
You know that money isn't heaven sent.
Friday's guy arrives without a suitcase,
Sunday's Hasher creeps in like a bum,
Monday's guy likes to be tied with his boot lace,
See how they'll come.

Lady Hardonna, Hasher at your breast,
Wonder how you manage to please the rest?
Lady Hardonna, lying on the bed,
No worry about losing your maidenhead.
Tuesday's love is never ending,
Wednesday morning milkman didn't come,
Thursday night your diaphragm needed mending,
See how they'll come.

Lady Hardonna, Hashers at your feet,
Wonder how you manage to beat their meat?

LULU
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Melody - Good Night, Ladies

CHORUS:
Bang, bang, Lulu,
Lulu's gone away,
Who's gonna bang bang,
When Lulu's gone away?

Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But Lulu works in a honky tonk,
With forty other whores.

Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
She couldn't call it Lulu,
'Cause the bastard had a cock.

I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She'd grab me by the balls.

She and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time she caught a sprat,
She'd stuff it up her cunt.

I wish I were the silver ring,
On Lulu's dainty hand,
Then every time she scratched her ass,
I'd see the promised land.

I wish I were the chamber pot,
Under Lulu's bed,
Then every time she took a piss,
I'd see her maidenhead.

Lulu had two boyfriends,
Both were very rich,
One was the son of a banker,
The other a son-of-a-bitch.

Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her down the alley,
To see if he could fuck her.

Lulu had a boyfriend,
A funny little chap,
Every time they had a bit,
She'd get a dose of clap.

Lulu was a pretty girl,
She had a lot of class,
Mini-skirts she'd wear a lot,
To show off her pretty ass.

Lulu had a bicycle,
The seat was very sharp,
Every time she sat on it,
It would slip right in her arse.

Lulu had a boyfriend,
He was very fit,
Working all day on the farm,
His job was shoveling shit.

Lulu and a boyfriend,
A stunted little runt,
On day they went to have a bit,
And he vanished up her cunt.

Lulu had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket,
Every time the lamb jumped out,
The bulldog used to fuck it.

She and I went walking,
We walked along the grass,
She slipped on a banana peel,
And fell down on her arse.

Lulu made some porridge,
It was very thick,
Lulu wouldn't eat it,
She'd smear it on my dick.

Lulu's motorcycle,
It's seat was very blunt,
Every time she jumped on it,
It would stick her in the cunt.

LUPE
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Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike

'Twas down in cunt valley where red rivers flow,
Where cocksuckers flourish and maidenheads grow,
'Twas there I met Lupe, the girl I adore,
She's a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore.

CHORUS:
She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, she'll tickle your nuts,
And if you're not happy, she'll suck out your guts,
She'll wrap her legs round you till you want to die,
But I'd rather eat Lupe than sweet cherry pie.

When Lupe was a young girl of just about eight,
She'd swing to and fro on the back garden gate,
The crossmember parted, the upright went in,
And since then she's lived in a welter of sin.

Now Lupe is dead and she lays in her tomb,
The worms crawl around in her decomposed womb,
The smile on her face, well, it says "Give me more,
I'm a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore."

MADELINE SCHMIDT
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Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike
This song is also known as "Adelaine Schmidt." The second version, adapted for hashing, is from a Thailand hash songbook, authors unknown

There was a young maiden named Madeline Schmidt,
Who went to the doctor 'cause she couldn't shit,
He gave her some medicine all wrapped up in glass,
Up went the window and out went her ass!

CHORUS:
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
And the whole world was covered in SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

A handsome young copper was walking his beat,
He just happened to be on that side of the street,
He looked up so innocent, he looked up so shy,
And a big wad of shit hit him right in HIS EYE!

He turned to the east and he turned to the west,
Then a bloody great turd hit him right on the chest,
He turned to the north, then he turned to the south,
And another great turd hit him right in HIS MOUTH!

That handsome young copper he cursed and he swore,
He called that young maiden a dirty old whore,
And beneath London Bridge you can still see him sit,
With a sign 'round his neck saying BLINDED BY SHIT!

Two fast moving Hashers came running along,
Throwing flour and paper and singing their song,
Singing, Hi-Diddle-Diddle, and flogging their dongs,
The hares were trail-setting, the pack wouldn't be long.

The hares found the copper alone by the pit,
Threw flour in the holes where his eyes used to fit,
The hares led the pack by a block and a bit,
Said, "We'll lead the damn pack through these puddles of SHIT!"

The hares led the pack to the edge of the pit,
They slipped and they slid in the puddles of shit,
They fell in the shiggy, right up to their tails,
Ere they sank out of sight, they marked it TRUE TRAIL!

The pack followed bravely, the pack followed true,
They followed the hares into that vile brew,
They followed true trail right into the pit,
Soon the whole pack of Hashers was drowning in SHIT!

This tale has a lesson if you think a bit,
Don't follow true trail right into the pit,
Remember that hares can be damn bloody fools,
And in Hashing, like loving, there's NO FUCKING RULES!

MAGGIE MAY
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Melody - ???

Oh, gather round you sailor boys,
And listen to my plea,
'Cause when you've heard it you will pity me.
'Cause I was a Goddamn fool,
In the port of Liverpool,
The first time that I came home from the sea.

CHORUS:
Oh, my darling Maggie May,
They have taken her away,
And no more down Lime Street will she roam.
For the judge he guilty found her,
For robbing a homeward bounder,
That dirty, robbin', no good Maggie May.

I was a sailor bound for home,
All the way from Sierra Leone,
And two pound ten a month had been my pay.
As I jingled in my tin,
I was sadly taken in,
By the lady of the name of Maggie May.

When I steered into her,
I just hadn't a care,
I was cruisin' up and down ol' Canning Place.
She was dressed in a gown so fine,
Like a frigate of the line,
And I bein' a sailorman, I gave chase.

She gave me a saucy nod,
And I like a farmer's clod,
Let her take me line abreast in tow.
And under all plain sail,
We ran before the gale,
And to the Crow's Nest Tavern we did go.

Next morning when I awoke,
I found that I was broke,
No trousers, coat, or wallet could I find.
And when I asked her where,
She said, "My dear young sir,
You'll find them in the pawnshop, number nine."

To the pawnshop I did go,
No trousers could I find,
So the cops they came and took this girl away.
Oh, you thieving Maggie May,
You robbed me of my pay,
It'll pay your fare right out to Botany Bay.

She was chained and sent away,
From Liverpool one day,
The lads they cheered as she sailed down the bay.
And every sailor lad,
He only was too glad,
They'd sent the old tart out to Botany Bay.

Oh, Maggie, Maggie May,
They have taken you away,
For to stay on Van Dieman's cruel shore.
Oh, you robbed many a whaler,
And many a drunken sailor,
But you'll never cruise 'round Liverpool no more.

MARY
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Melody - London Bridge is Falling Down?

Mary in the kitchen punching duff, punching duff, punching duff,
Mary in the kitchen punching duff,
BULLSHIT!
Mary in the kitchen punching duff,
When the cheeks of her arse went chuff, chuff, chuff,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

Mary in the kitchen boiling rice, boiling rice, boiling rice,
Mary in the kitchen boiling rice,
BULLSHIT!
Mary in the kitchen boiling rice,
When out of her cunt jumped three blind mice,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

Mary in the kitchen shelling peas, shelling peas, shelling peas,
Mary in the kitchen shelling peas,
BULLSHIT!
Mary in the kitchen shelling peas,
The hairs of her cunt hung down to her knees,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

Mary in the garden sifting cinders, sifting cinders, sifting cinders,
Mary in the garden sifting cinders,
BULLSHIT!
Mary in the garden sifting cinders,
Blew one fart and broke ten windows,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

Mary had a dog whose name was Ben, name was Ben, name was Ben,
Mary had a dog whose name was Ben,
BULLSHIT!
Mary had a dog whose name was Ben,
Had one ball which worked like ten,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

Mary in the kitchen baking cakes, baking cakes, baking cakes,
Mary in the kitchen baking cakes,
BULLSHIT!
Mary in the kitchen baking cakes,
When out of the tits came two mild shakes,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.

MARY ANNE BURNS
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Melody - Itself

Mary Anne Burns is the queen of all the acrobats,
She can do tricks that'll give a guy the shits,
She can shoot green peas from her fundamental orifice,
Do a somersault and catch'em on her tits.
She's a great big son-of-a-bitch,
Twice as big as me,
Got hair on her ass like the
branches on a tree,
She can swim, fish, fight, fuck,
Fly an airplane, drive a truck,
Mary Anne Burns is the girl for me.

MARY ANN McCARTHY
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Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic

Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some clams,
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some clams,
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some clams,
But she didn't get one son of a bitchin' clam.
All she got was oysters,
All she got was oysters,
All she got was oysters,
And she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.

She dug up all the mud there was in San Francisco Bay,
She dug up all the mud there was in San Francisco Bay,
She dug up all the mud there was in San Francisco Bay,
And all she ever got was crabs.
All she ever got was crabs,
All she ever got was crabs,
All she ever got was crabs,
And she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.

She waded in the water till her ass it dug the sand,
She waded in the water till her ass it dug the sand,
She waded in the water till her ass it dug the sand,
But all she ever got was piles.
All she ever got was piles,
All she ever got was piles,
All she ever got was piles,
And she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.

She went to every party that the Army ever gave,
She went to every party that the Army ever gave,
She went to every party that the Army ever gave,
But all she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
And she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.

MAYOR OF BAYSWATER'S DAUGHTER
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Melody - The Ash Grove
*Variations* contributed by Flying Booger and ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 - hash verses by Flying Booger - in many hashes, the chorus is sung to honor the hares
*Aditional Verses and Variations* contributed by Orchid Gina of the Big Heads H3, SD
(Take turns leading verses)

The Mayor of Bayswater,
He has a lovely daughter,
And the hairs on her dickie-di-doe,
Hang down to her knees.

CHORUS:
Leader: And the hairs,
Pack: And the hairs,
Leader: And the hairs,
Pack: And the hairs,
Leader: And the hairs,
Pack: On her dicky-di-doe,
Hang down to her knees.
One black one, one white one,
*And one with a bit of shite on,*
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe,
Hang down to her knees.

*VARIATIONS*
and one forty pound strength one
and one I caught a trout on
and one I found on a bar of soap
and one that blocked the storm drain
and one she used as dental floss
and one she uses for macramae
and one dripping in olive oil
and one she towed my car with
and one that smelt of clitty litter
and one to start the mower with
and one they use in gunsights
and one with a drop of piss on
and one covered in algae
and one I start my outboard with
and one I broke a tooth on
and one I found in my mug of beer
and one the crabs are stuck on
and one she winched her Jeep with
and one she marked the trail with
and one she tied her Nikes with
and one she tied her whistle on
and one she roped the calves with
and one she pulled her trailer with
and one they hanged a horse thief with
and one she climbed a cliff with
and one she whipped the orphans with

etc . . . VERSES:
I've smelt it, I've felt it,
It's just like a bit of velvet.

I could not believe my eyes,
When I peered down between her thighs.

I she were my daughter,
I'd have her cut them shorter.

I've seen it, I've seen it,
I've lain right in between it.

I stroked 'em and poked 'em,
I rolled 'em and smoked 'em.

You'd need a coal miner,
To find her vagina.

She lives on the mountain,
and pees like a bloody fountain.

She stayed on a cattle ranch,
And came like a bloody avalanche.

She says she is not a whore,
But she bangs like a shithouse door.

She lives on malted milkshake,
And roots like a bloody rattlesnake.

She married an Italian,
With balls like a fucking stallion.

She divorced the Italian,
And married the stallion.

She married a Spaniard,
With a prick like a bloody lanyard.

She divorced the Spaniard,
And ran off with the bloody lanyard.

The split of her beaver,
Looks just like June Cleaver's.

She slept with a demon,
Who drowned her with semen.

Her cat's name is Boris,
And it plays with her clitoris.

The aroma it lingers,
It smells like fish fingers.

She sat on the waterfront,
With the waves lapping up and down her cunt.

I've licked it and kissed it,
It tastes like a chocolate biscuit.

You can drive a Morris Minor,
Right up her vagina.

It was always hit-or-miss,
Whether I could find her clitoris.

She went to Arabia,
And got camel drool on her labia.

She stayed in Seattle,
And went down on cattle.

The light is so glitorous,
When it shines off her clitoris.

Her vagina was squishy,
And smelled a bit fishy.

She went with a Hash House Harrier,
Who fucked her but wouldn't marry her.

(MORE HASH VERSES, BY FLYING BOOGER):
She slept with a Hash House Harriette,
Who played melodies upon her clit.

She wooed the Grand Master,
But he couldn't satisfy her.

Grand Mattress gave her a go,
She used an electric dildo.

Three Joint Masters did sport in concert,
But they couldn't reach her G-spot.

She went out with the RA,
But he proved to be a lousy lay.

She seduced the Song Master,
But he couldn't outlast her.

Hare Raiser did sleep with her,
But got all tangled in her fur.

The hares swived her with great intent,
But they soon were limp and spent.

She depantsed the OnSec,
And scoffed at his tiny dick.

She rogered the Hash Scribe,
And begat an entire tribe.

She stripped for the Biermeister,
He shot off all over her.

Hash Shyster did groan, oh,
As he serviced her pro bono.

She gave head to the Hash Cash,
And he ejaculated in a flash.

The Chipmeister she tried to lay,
But he came during foreplay.

She mooned the Haberdasher,
Who fainted at the sight of her.

An SCB dove in her muff,
But found he hadn't tongue enough.

She said to the FRB,
"Do it doggie style with me."

The walkers were red and sore,
She shagged them right across the floor.

She had it off with a Ranger,
But he went DOT inside of her.

To a Whiner she took a shiner,
But he cried, "Any one but her."

She took on the entire pack,
She was hot but they were slack.

She was brisk with young ZiPpy,
But he came much too quickly.

So she tried Flying Booger,
But he couldn't get it up for her.

She had group sex with the Circle,
Next day our parts turned purple.

*Additional Verses and Variations*
By Orchid Gina

One straight one, one curled one,
And one with a little ribbon,
And one with a little bib-on,
In case you should drool.

You must have a machete,
Cause she looks like a Yeti,
And the hairs on her dickie-die-do,
Hung down to her knees.

With razors and clippers,
And a sharp pair of scissors,
and a gallon of Nair,
She soon made herself bare.

Now sheís smooth a peach,
And looks great at the beach,
And the hairs on her dickie-die-do,
Donít exist anymore.

And the hairs, and the hairs
And the hairs on her dickie-die-do
Donít exist anymore

(Note from Orchid: Good grooming and hygiene are important!)

MISS LEE'S HOOCHIE
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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
From the songbook of the 43rd Tactical Fighter Squadron, Elmendorf A.F.B., Alaska

I went to Seoul City, and there met Miss Lee,
She said for a short time, oh come sleep with me.
We went to Lee's hoochie, a room with hot floors,
I left my shoes outside, and slid shut the door.

She took off her long johns, and rolled out the pad,
I gave her ten thousand, 'twas all that I had.
Her breath smelt of kimchee, her bosoms were flat,
No hair on her pussy, now how about that?

I asked to go benjo, she led me outside,
I reached for Old Smokey, he crawled back inside.
I rushed to the medics, cried "What shall I do?"
The doc was dumbfounded, Old Smokey was blue.

Now when you're in Seoul City, on your next three-day pass,
Don't go to Lee's hoochie, sit flat on your ass.
Now your ass may get blistered, and Lee may tempt you,
But better the red ass, then Old Smokey blue.

M-O-T-H-E-R
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Melody - M-O-T-H-E-R

M is for the many things she gave me,
O is only that she's growing old (she's growing old),
T is for the tears she shed to save me (save me),
H is for her heart as pure as gold (as pure as gold),
E is for her eyes with lovelight shining (shining),
R is right and right she'll always be (she'll always be),
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER,
The one who means the world to me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who means the world to me (the world to me).

F is for his farts that used to linger,
A is for his arse all racked with piles (all racked with piles),
T is for the turds he shed by finger (finger),
H is for his hole all wreathed in smiles (all wreathed in smiles),
E is for the eggs he used to dine on (dine on),
R is rotten and rotten they'd always be (they'd always be),
Put them all together, they spell FATHER,
The one who fouls the air for me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who fouls the air for me (the air for me).

M is for the many times you made me,
O is for the other times you tried (the times you tried),
T is for those torturous long lost weekends (weekends),
H is for the hell that's in your eyes (that's in your eyes),
E is for your ever-lasting passion (passion),
R is for the ruin you made of me (you made of me),
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER,
And that is what I think I'm going to be,
I don't mean maybe,
And that is what I think I'm going to be (I'm going to be).

MRS. MCVITIE
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Melody - Blaze Away

Mrs McVitie had only one titty,
To nurse her child upon,
She has been ravished by Mr McTavish,
And now she's eight months gone.
McTavish, the vicar, decided to prick her,
And now he's been defrocked,
Because of the frolics of his cock and bollocks,
And members of his flock

MRS. PUGGY-WUGGY
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Melody - ???

Mrs. Puggy-Wuggy has a square cut punt,
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front,
Mrs. Puggy-Wuggy has a square cut punt.

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
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Melody - Itself

One night in gay Par-ee,
I paid five francs to see
A big fat French lady,
Tattooed from head to knee.
And on her jaw was a British man-of-war,
And on her back was a Union Jack,
So I paid five francs more,
And running up and down her spine
Was the Bangkok Hash in line,
And on her lily-white bum
Was a picture of the rising sun,
And on her fanny
Was Al Jolson singing Mammy,
How I loves her, how I loves her,
How I loves my mother-in-law.

I loves my mother-in-law,
She's nothing but a dirty old whore,
She nags me day and night,
And I can't do fuck-all right,
She's coming home today,
But I hope she stays away,
Now isn't it a pity,
She's only one titty,
And she's in the family way.
Last night I greased the stairs,
Put thumbtacks on the chairs,
I hope she breaks her back,
Because I do love wearing black.

She drinks all my brandy,
And makes my dog feel randy,
How I loves her, how I loves her,
How I loves my mother-in-law.

MY SISTER LILY
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Melody - Do Ye Ken John Peel

Oh, my sister Lily is a whore in Picadilly,
And my mother is another in the Strand.
My father flogs his arsehole 'round the Elephant and Castle,
We're the finest fucking family in the land.

There's a man deep in a dungeon,
With his hand upon his truncheon,
And the shadow of his prick upon the wall.
And the ladies as they pass,
Stick their hatpins up his arse,
And the little mice play billiards with his balls.

There's a little green urinal,
To the north of Waterloo,
And another a little farther up.
There's a member of our school,
Playing tunes upon his tool,
While the passers-by put pennies in his cup.

Have you met my Uncle Hector,
He's a cock and ball inspector,
At a celebrated public school.
And my brother sells French letters,
And a patent cure for wetters,
We're not the best of families, ain't it cool.

NANCY BROWN
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Melody - ???

Way out in West Virginia lived a gal named Nancy Brown,
You ain't never seen such beauty in a city nor a town,
Oh she lived up in the mountain,
Yes she lived up in the mountain,
Oh she lived up in the mountain mighty high.
And so it is related, not a bit contaminated,
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.

Now there came the local cowboy with his guitar and his song,
He took Nancy to the mountain but she still knew right from wrong,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain mighty fine.
And despite that cowboy's urgin' she remained the village virgin,
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.

Then there came the village deacon with his phrases sweet and kind,
He took Nancy to the mountain but she still could read his mind,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain mighty fine.
And they say that that there deacon didn't get what he was seekin',
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.

But there came the city slicker with his thousand dollar bills,
He put Nancy in his Packard and drove up in them thar hills,
Oh they stayed up on the mountain,
She was laid upon the mountain,
Oh they stayed up on the mountain all that night.
She came down next mornin' early more a woman than a girl,
And her mother kicked the hussy out of sight.

(Slowly)
Now the end of our ditty finds Nancy in the city,
And by all accounts she's doin' mighty swell,
For she's winin',
And she's dinin',
And she's on her back reclinin',
And those West Virginia skies can go to hell.

(Normal tempo)
But there came the big Depression, caught our slicker by the pants,
He had to sell his Packard and give up his little Nance,
So she went back to the mountain,
Yes she went back to the mountain,
Oh she went back to the mountain mighty sore.
Now the cowboy and the deacon get the thing that they were seekin',
For she's nothing but a West Virginia whore.

NELLIE DARLING
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Melody - I Wish I Were an Oscar-Meyer Wiener
Verses 3, 5 & 6 by Hazukashii, Tidewater HHH
Verse 4 by Long N Hard, Ft Eustis HHH

Oh, your ass is like a stovepipe, Nellie darling,
And the nipples on your tits are turning green,
There's a thousand flies buzzing 'round your pussy,
You're the rottenest, fuckin' bitch I've ever seen.

There's a yard of lint protruding from your navel,
When you piss, you piss a stream as green as grass,
You have enough ear wax to make a candle,
So why don't you make one and shove it up your ass.

Oh, your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon,
And your ingrown toenails exude a pus-y cream,
Your nose hair's long enough to braid or curl,
Your every Ft. Eustis hasher's fuckin' dream.

Sucking on your toes would gag Jeff Dahmer,
After sex with you my balls begin to itch,
You need a chainsaw to trim out your armpits,
Your a regular Tidewater Hash House BITCH.

Oh, your butt's about as wide as a Buick,
And the cellulite hangs off your thighs in chunks,
When your swimming at the beach in the summer,
You look like a Battleship that's sunk.

Well it's told you've been turned down by Hashers,
That crotch rot your sportin's gettin' red,
Could also be the sagging of your titties,
Or the balding patches of hair on your head.

NELLIE 'AWKINS
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Melody - ??? (this appears to be several songs put together - the Durex verse is sung to "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," but I don't know the others)

I first met Nellie 'awkins down the old Kent Road,
Her drawers were hanging down,
She'd just been with Charlie Brown.
I shoved a filthy tanner in her filthy rotten hand,
'Cause she was a dirty old whore,
Oh she wore no blouses,
And I wore no trousers,
And we both wore no underwear.

When she caressed me,
She damn near undressed me,
What a pleasure, no man knows.
I went to the doctor - he said,
"Where did you knock her?"
I said, "Down where the green grass grows."
He said, "In less than a twinkle,
That pimple on your winkle,
Will be bigger than a big red rose."

CHORUS:
Won't somebody make my rhubarb rise,
Dada dada da da,
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise
To its natural size,
Market gardenin' size,
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise
'Cause my baby don't love me,
My baby don't love me,
Oh my baby don't love me no more.

A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental,
Durex is a girl's best friend.
You may get the works,
But you won't be parental
As he slides it in,
You trust that good old latex skin,
As he lets fly, none gets by,
Cause it's all gathered up in the end.
This little precaution
Avoids an abortion,
Durex is a girl's best friend.

I caught a dose of pox a year ago,
I thought it was the clap and it would go.
But the more I waited, the worse it grew,
Now I've got galloping knob rot.
What can I do?
The other day I lost my starboard ball,
And now the other one's begun to fall,
I'm wasting away, I'll be sorry someday,
'Cause then I'll have no balls at all.

NONE IS BIGGER THAN MINE
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Melody - ???

Three old whores from Baltimore
Were drinking sherry wine,
And one of them says to the other two,
"None is bigger than mine."

CHORUS:
So haul on the sheets me hearties,
Sprinkle the decks with brine,
Bend to the oars, you lousy whores,
None is bigger than mine.

"You're a liar," said the second old whore,
"Mine's as big as the sea.
The ships sail in and the ships sail out,
With nary a tickle to me."

"You're a liar," said the third old whore,
"I've had me a thousand men.
There's some go by and there's some go in,
And there's some what never come out again."

"You're both liars," said the first old whore,
"Mine's as big as the air.
Why the sun could set in the crack of my cunt,
And never burn a pubic hair."

ON TOP OF OLD SOPHIE
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Melody - On Top of Old Smoky

On top of old Sophie,
All covered in sweat,
I've used fourteen rubbers,
But she hasn't come yet.

For fucking's a pleasure,
And farting's relief,
But a long-winded lover,
Will bring nothing but grief.

She'll kiss you and hug you,
Say it won't take long,
But two hours later,
You're still going strong.

So come all you lovers,
And listen to me,
Don't waste your erection,
On a long-winded she.

For your root will just wither,
And your passion will die,
And she will forsake you,
And you'll never know why.

PEG O' MY HEART
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Melody - Same
Contributed by Dennis "Mu-Sick" Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida

Peg o' my heart, you vex me,
Peg o' my heart, you sex me,
When we're alone, I raise a bone,
So put your ass against the rafter,
It's your hairy hole I'm after,
Peg o' my heart.

POOR LIL
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Melody - ???

Her name was Lil and she was a beauty,
She came from a house of ill reputy,
But she drank too deep of the demon rum,
She smoked hashish and opium.

She was young and she was fair,
She had lovely golden hair,
Gentlemen came from miles to see
Lillian in her deshabille.

Day by day her form grew thinner,
From insufficient protein in her,
She grew two hollows on her chest,
Why, she had to go around completely dressed.

Now clothes may make a gal go far,
But they have no place on a fille de joie,
Lillian's troubles started when
She concealed her abdomen.

She went to the house physician,
To prescribe for her condition,
"You have got," the doc did say,
"Pernicious anem-i-a."

She took to treatments in the sun,
She drank of Scott's Emul-si-on,
Three times daily she took yeast,
But still her clientele decreased.

For you must know her cliente-le,
Rested chiefly on her belly,
She rilled this thing like the deep Pacific,
It was something calorific.

As Lillian lay in her dishonor,
She felt the hand of the Lord upon her,
She said, "Me sins I now repents,
But Lord, that'll cost you fifty cents."

This is the story of Lillian,
She was one girl in a million,
And the moral to her story is,
Whatever your line of business is, fitness wins!

POOR LITTLE ANGELINE
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Melody - Itself

She was sweet sixteen and the village queen,
Pure and innocent was Angeline,
A virgin still, never known a thrill,
Poor little Angeline.

At the village fair, the Squire was there,
Masturbating in the middle of the square,
When he chanced to see the dainty knee,
Of poor little Angeline.

Now the village squire had a low desire,
To be the biggest bastard in the whole damn shire,
He had set his heart on the vital part,
Of poor little Angeline.

As she lifted her skirt to avoid the dirt,
She slipped in the puddle of the squire's last squirt,
And his knob grew raw at the sight he saw,
Of poor little Angeline.

So he raised his hat and said, "Miss, your cat,
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat,
But my car is in the square and I'll take you there,
Oh dear little Angeline."

Now the filthy old turd should have got the bird,
Instead she followed him without a word,
And as they drove away, you could hear them say,
Poor little Angeline.

They had not gone far when he stopped his car,
And took little Angeline into a bar,
Where he filled her with gin, just to make her sin,
Poor little Angeline.
When he'd oiled her well, her took her to a dell,
And there he gave her merry hell,
And he tried his luck with a low-down fuck,
On poor little Angeline.

With a cry of "Rape," he raised his cape,
Poor little Angeline had no escape,
Now it's time someone came to save the name,
Of poor little Angeline.

Now the village blacksmith was brave and bold,
And he'd loved little Angeline for years untold,
And he vowed he'd be true, whatever she'd do,
To poor little Angeline.

But sad to say, that very same day,
The blacksmith had gone to jail to stay,
For coming in his pants at the local dance,
With poor little Angeline.

Now the window of his cell overlooked the dell,
Where the squire was giving poor Angeline hell,
As she lay on the grass he recognized the ass,
Of poor little Angeline.

Now he got such a start that he let out a fart,
Which blew the prison bars wide apart,
And he ran like shit lest the squire should split,
His poor little Angeline.

When he got to that spot and saw what was what,
He tied the villain's penis in a granny knot,
As he lay on his guts he was kicked in the nuts,
By poor little Angeline.

"Oh blacksmith true, I love you, I do,
And I can tell by your trousers that you love me, too,
Here I am undressed, come and do your best,"
Cried poor little Angeline.

Now it won't take long to finish this song,
For the blacksmith had a penis over one foot long,
And his phallic charm was as brawny as his arm,
Happy little Angeline.

SALLY IN THE ALLEY
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Melody - Itself

Sally in the alley, sifting cinders,
Lifted up her leg and farted like a man,
Wind from her bloomers blew out six winders,
Cheeks of her ass went BAM! BAM! BAM!

THE SEAMSTRESS' SONG
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Melody - Itself
Written by Snake Charmer & Lady Finger of the Austin HHH, yet another variation of the Engineer's Dream

A seamstress told me before she died,
Ah humm, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty, bum,
A seamstress told me before she died,
Ah humm, ah humm,
A seamstress told me before she died,
And I have no reason to believe she lied,
Ah humm, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty, bum,
Ah humm, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty, bum.

She had a spouse with a prick so wide (three times),
That it had to be magnified.

So she built a spinning wheel (three times),
Two balls of yarn and a needle of steel.

The balls of yarn she twisted tight (three times),
And the whole bloody thing was driven by might.

She tied him to the leg of the bed (three times),
Tied his hands above his head.

There he lay demanding a fuck (three times),
She shook his hand and wished him luck.

Round and round went the spinning wheel (three times),
In and out went the needle of steel.

Down and down went the level of yarn (three times),
Up and up went the prick she darned.

Till at last that husband cried (three times),
"Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!"

Now we come to the tragic bit (three times),
There was no way of stopping it.

He was stretched from nose to bum (three times),
And the whole fucking room was covered in,
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from nose to bum,
Covered all over with CUM! CUM! CUM!

SEVEN OLD LADIES
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Melody - Oh My, What Can the Matter Be?

CHORUS:
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Seven old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturd'y,
Nobody knew they were there.

They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.

The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover,
And thought she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
She went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Abigale Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender,
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.

The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim,
But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there.

But another old lady was Mrs. McBligh,
Went in with a bottle of booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.

SHE'LL BE PUFFIN' LIKE A STEAM TRAIN WHEN SHE CUMS
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Melody - She'll be coming round the mountain

She'll be puffing like a steam train when she cums,
She'll be puffing like a steam train when she cums,
She'll be puffing like a steam train, puffing like a steam train,
She'll be puffing like a steam train when she cums.

CHORUS:
Singing God, I'm coming, don't stop now,
Singing God, I'm coming, don't stop now,
Singing God, I'm coming, God I'm coming,
God, I'm coming, don't stop now

OTHER VERSES:
She'll be panting like a bulldog when she cums
She'll be sucking like a Hoover when she cums
She'll be scratching like a tiger when she cums
She'll be biting like a vampire when she cums
She'll be screaming like a banshee when she cums
She'll be howling like a she-wolf when she cums
You'll be dogknotted for an hour when she cums
She'll nearly bite your cock off when she cums
She'll close her legs and crush your face when she cums
She'll be revving like a Harley when she cums
She'll be whooping like a monkey when she cums
Etc.

SHE'S A MOST IMMORAL LADY
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Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic

She wears her silk pajamas in the summer when it's hot,
She wears her woolen nightie in the winter when it's not,
But later in the springtime, and early in the fall,
She jumps between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all.

CHORUS:
She's a most immoral lady,
She's a most immoral lady,
She's a most immoral lady,
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me,
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me,
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me,
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all.
Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch! (three times)
Oh, Sir Jasper do not! (three times)
Oh, Sir Jasper do! (three times)
Oh, Sir Jasper! (three times)
Oh, Sir! (three times)
Oh! (three times)

SHORT SONG
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Melody - Turkey in the Straw

Oh, the wiggle of her ass would make a dead man come,
And the nipple on her tit is as big as my thumb,
She's a mean motherfucker, she's a great cocksucker,
She's my girl, she fucks!

SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DINAH
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Melody - Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah

Dinah, won't you blow me,
Dinah, won't you blow me,
Dinah, won't you blow my horn?

Dinah, won't you blow me,
Dinah, won't you blow me,
Dinah, won't you blow my horn?

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah,
Someone's in the kitchen, I know,
Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah,
Humpin' like a dynamo.

(alternate verse)
Someone's in my sister's vagina,
Someone's in my sister, I know,
Someone's in my sister's vagina,
Humpin' like a dynamo.

SUCKANYA
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Melody - Oh, Diana

I'm so young and you're so old,
You've had a baby I've been told,
I don't care what my friends say,
I'll pay your bar fine any day,
You and I shall never part,
I'll give you five hundred baht,
Oh please go down on me, Suckanya.

I bought you a house and brand new car,
In the Rock Hard you're a star,
You go out late every night,
Come home at noon, oh, what a sight,
In your heart I'll always stay,
As long as I can pay, pay, pay,
Oh please go down on me, Suckanya.

You gave me clap and you wear gold,
My motorcycle you have sold,
To pay my bills at Adam and Eve,
The fruits of love are never free,
All I ask is one more suck
But you don't even give a fuck,
Oh please go down on me, Suckanya.

Your Thai husband threw me out,
Tell me what it's all about,
Now you're into sniffing glue,
Does this mean that we are through,
I love you with all my heart,
So don't cut off my private part,
Oh please go down on me, Suckanya.

SWEET ANTOINETTE
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Melody - Sweet Adeline

Sweet Antoinette,
Your pants are wet.
You say it's sweat.
It's piss, I bet.
In all my dreams,
Your bare ass gleams.
You're the wrecker
Of my pecker,
Antoinette.

VANESSA PICKLEGIN
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Contributed by Abby Sale, courtesy of Ed Cray
(Copyright Dr. Paul S Agutter 1996)
Tune: Go Here

One night to the bar I'd gone for a jar
And I'd drunk the barrel dry;
But the thoughts in me head were very far from bed
'Till this harlot catched me eye.
She was withered and small, like a pickled walnut
Her bones had rubbed her sore,
Her teeth were in a box and she'd got the pox
And her age was fifty four.

CHORUS:
I've made very bold with young and old,
And I've fucked 'em thick and thin,
[audience response: Thick and thin.]
But I've never, never straddled a whore so addled
As Vanessa Picklegin.

Well, no one knows who soberly goes
To what depths man can sink,
How his brain is birled when he sees the world
Through the rose-colored specks of drink.
I gazed in her eye till beneath me fly
Me Y-fronts rapidly rose,
And the stand in hand grew so bloody grand
That it nearly blocked me nose.

So up comes she and she says to me,
"If you fancy a whore to screw,
I can take without fuss any doubledecker bus,
So I'll readily deal with you!
For the average fool with the average tool
I charge an inordinate fee;
But since youve got a hard of more than a yard,
For you the admission's free."

So its back to her flat, and we slung out the cat,
And to bed without a word,
For she looked, and she felt, and she bloody nearly smelt
Like a week-old, whitewashed turd.
But I maintained that horn from night till morn,
And we fucked the dark hours through;
'Till the bones went crack in the middle of her back
And Vanessa fell in two.

Now all you lads that drink ale, be cautioned by my tale,
For as I scrambled free,
I loudly wailed, for my prick was left impaled
On Vanessa's vertibrae.
So, when you're in the pub, the harlots snub,
Or you will surely find,
Though you may get away and not be asked to pay...
YOU'LL LEAVE A LOT BEHIND!

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL

Melody - Happy Wanderer
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

When I was a little girl, I had a little thing,
And if I tried, I could get, my little finger in.
Finger in, finger in, finger in,
Finger -i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i- finger in, finger in,
My little finger in!

I've grown into a woman now, my thing has lost its charm,
And I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm,
Fucking arm, fucking arm, fucking arm,
Fucking -a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- fucking arm, fucking arm,
And half my fucking arm!

Now my age is ninety-two, and I'm half fucking dead,
Now I get both arms in and half my fucking head.
Fucking head, fucking head, fucking head,
Fucking -e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e- fucking head, fucking head,
And half my fucking head!

WHEN LADY JANE BECAME A TART
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Melody - Those in Peril on the Sea

It fairly broke the family's heart,
When Lady Jane became a tart,
But blood is blood and race is race,
And so to save the family face,
They bought her an expensive flat,
With "Welcome" written on the mat.

It was not long ere Lady Jane,
Brought her patrician charms to fame,
A clientele of sahibs pukka,
Who regularly came to fuck 'er,
And it was whispered without malice,
She had a client from the Palace.

No one could nestle in her charms,
Unless he wore ancestral arms,
No one to her could gain an entry,
Unless he were of the landed gentry,
And so before her sun had set,
She'd worked her way through Debrett.

When Lady Anne became a whore,
It grieved the family even more,
But they felt they couldn't do the same,
As they had done for Lady Jane,
So they bought her an exclusive beat,
On the shady side of Jermyn Street.

When Lord St. Clancy became a nancy,
It did not please the family's fancy,
And so in order to protect him,
They did inscribe upon his rectum,
"All commoners must now drive steerage,
This fucking hole is reserved for peerage."

THE WINNIPEG WHORE
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Melody - Reuben, Reuben, I've Been Thinking

My first trip up the Saginaw River,
My first trip to the Canadian shore,
There I met sweet Rosie O'Grady,
Better known as the Winnipeg Whore.

"Come right in, I'm glad to see you,
Slap your ass across my knee,
We will have some fun together,
Dollar and a half will be my fee."

Some were dancin', some were prancin',
Some lay drunk on the barroom floor,
But there I was in the northeast corner,
Screwin' hell out of the Winnipeg Whore.

Then, in there walked some sons 'a' bitches,
Must have been a score or more,
Oughta seen me shit my britches,
Slidin' my ass out the whorehouse door.

YOU TAKE THE LEGS OFF BETTY GRABLE
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Melody - Itself

You take the legs off Betty Grable,
You take the hair from Myrna Loy,
You take the tits off old Jane Russell,
And the ass off a baby boy.
You take the hands and face off some old clock,
And brother, when you're through,
The only thing that's missing is the C-U-N-T,
And that, you sorry sack of shit, is YOU-U-U!