SWEET LOVIN'

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A Few of My Favorite Things
A Rovin'
"A", You're a Big Bimbo
"A", You've Got Asshole Stains
Abortion
Air Force Song
Ali Boogie
All My Jism
Ball of Yarn
Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies
Be My Guest
Beat It
Big Bamboo
Blew by You
Boom, Oooh, Yakatata
By the Light
Bye, Bye Cherry
Chapped Hide
Christopher and Alice
Come and Sit On My Face If You Love Me
Crock of Shit
Cucumber Song
Dildos are a Girl's Best Friend
The Divorce Game
Don't that Bastard Get any Bigger?
Don't Say No
Do You Fuck on First Dates?
Engineer's Dream
Fanny Boy
Fondle Me With Care
Furburger King
Gang Bang
Gender Bender Song
Gender Bender Song Version II
Get it Up, Get it In
Give Me a Clone
God Bless My Underpants
Gonorrhea
Got it up, Got it in
Great Big Wheel
Green Grow the Rashes O
Hand Solo Song
Harvest of Love
Hello Penis
Her Vagina
Her Vagina (has a first name)
Herpes Family
Herpes Song
Hot Vagina
Hot Vagina Redeux
How Ashamed I Was
How to Handle a Date
I am Pussy (Hear me Roar)
I Don't Want to Join the Army
I Don't Want to Join the Convent
I Like Cock
I Like Cunt
I'll Never Piss Again
I Love My Wife
I Put My Hand
I Put My Lips
I Saw Her Leaning There
I Screw You (aka The Barney Song)
I Will Survive
I Will Survive (Version 2)
If I Were the Marrying Kind
Isn't it Awfully Nice to Have a Penis?
Isn't it Great to Have a Clitoris?
Its Grandma!
I've Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard-On
Keyhole Song
La Cock
Leprosy (followed by Syphilis)
Let Me Ball You Sweetheart
Let's Screw
Little Penis
Long and Thin
Lotsa Fucking
Love Me Tender
Man Trap
Marriage a la Mode
Masturbata
Masturbation (Fornication)
Masturbation Song
My DNA (aka Young Girl)
My Little Pink Panties
No Balls at All
Nude
Once Upon My Jeans
One-Eyed Trouser Snake
One Twat
Oral Sex
Portions of a Female
Pregnancy (and Variations)
Pubic Hairs!
Put Your Left Leg Over My Shoulder
Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriers)
Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriettes)
Put Your Thighs on My Shoulders
Rawhide
Real Story of Gilligan's Island
Ringadangdoo
Roll Me over in the Clover
Rubber Dickie
Rubber Dildo
Seven Nervous Days
Sex is Boring
She Had Big Mountains . . .
Sit on My Face (two versions)
Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me
Stand Up and Cheer (for Girls who give Head)
Square Dance
Sunstroke, Syphilis, Varicose Veins
Supercallousflagellisticsexpect-cunnilingus
Syphilis
Thank God I'm a Pubic Hare
The Dildo Song
The Divorce Game
The Streets of Itaewan
The Triangle
These Foolish Things
Tra Ra Ra Boom Der E
Trojans are a Girl's Best Friend
Under The Covers With Sharon Stone
Under The Covers With Sharon Stone
Was it You (That did the Pushin'?)
Waves and Waves
Wedding Song
When the End of the Month Rolls Around
Who Is In the Kitchen With Ah Hin?
Who Needs Sex?
Will You Marry Me?
Yank My Noodle



A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
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Melody - A Few of My Favorite Things

HARRIERS:
Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,
Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole thing,
It works just fine and it's also quite safe,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dawn breaks,
When I wake up,
And it's feeling hard,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.

Penthouse and Playboy and something called Forum,
They're what I use to help start something going,
Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When I'm lonely,
Really lonely,
By myself again,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.

HARRIETTES:
Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,
That's what I use to set fires in my belly,
In and out up and down making me wet,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Men are useless,
I don't need them,
I'm the best I've had,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.

Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,
Make me excited - I'm starting to cook,
I stir me up and the honey will come,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When I'm thinking,
Of a hard cock,
But I don't see one,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.

A-ROVIN'
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Melody - I'll No More Go A-Rovin'
Verses Contributed by ZiPpY and Hazukashii

In Amsterdam there lived a maid,
Mark well what I do say.
In Amsterdam there lived a maid,
And she was mistress of her trade.
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

Chorus:
A-rovin', a-rovin', since rovin' been my ru-i-in,
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

I put my hand upon her knee.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her knee.
She said, "Young man, you're rather free."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

I put my hand upon her thigh.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her thigh.
She said, "Young man, you're rather high."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

Hazukashii's Version:

I put my hand upon her quim,
Mark well what I do say,
I put my hand upon her quim,
She said, "For God sakes, shove it in."
I'll go no more a-roving with you fair maid.

She lay there upon the bed,
Mark well what I do say,
She lay there upon the bed,
I fucked her there, till she was dead.
I'll go no more a-roving with you fair maid.

She lay there in peace, and then,
Mark well what I do say,
She lay there in peace, and then,
I fucked her back to life again.
I'll go no more a-roving with you fair maid.

ZiPpY's Version:

I put my hand upon her snatch.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her snatch.
She said, "Young man, that's my main hatch."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

She rolled me over on my back.
Mark well what I do say.
She rolled me over on my back.
And fucked so had my balls did crack
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

And then I slipped her on the blocks
Mark well what I do say.
And then I slipped her on the blocks
She said, "Young man, I've got the pox."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

And when she spent my whole year's pay,
Mark well what I do say.
And when she spent my whole year's pay,
She slipped her anchor and sailed away.
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.

"A," YOU'RE A BIG BIMBO STAINS
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Melody - "A," You're Adorable
By Flying Booger

When (harrier's name) was serenading (harriette's name),
He sure could quote a lot of poetry
But he'd much rather tell her
What he learned in his classroom
When they both attended PS Thirty-Three . . .

A, you're a big bimbo,
B, you've got boobs not brains,
C, you go for any cock at all,
D, like ev'ry dumbass skirt,
E, you exist to flirt,
F, did I hear a pussy fart?
G, you've got gonorrhea,
H, pubic hair to your knees,
I, eyes that sneak and peek and twitch,
J, you can jack my jizz,
K, you can kiss my phizz,
L, you're a lyin' two-faced bitch,
M-N-O-P, menstrual stains on your sheet,
Q-R-S-T, alphabetically speaking you're a C-U-N-T
U, make my penis ooze,
V-D down to your feet,
W-X-Y-Z, I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Harriers what you mean to me.

"A," YOU'VE GOT ASSHOLE STAINS
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Melody - "A," You're Adorable

When (harriette's name) was serenading (harrier's name),
She sure could quote a lot of poetry
But she'd much rather tell him
What she learned in her classroom
When they both attended PS thirty-three . . .

A, you've got asshole stains,
B, you've got balls for brains,
C, you've hardly got a cock at all,
D, like a dorker's tool,
E, your ass exudes stool,
F, your farts smell like fucking shit,
G, you've got gonorrhea,
H, hemorrhoids to your knees,
I, eyes that run and bleed and itch,
J, you can jack your jizz,
K, you can kiss my phizz,
L, fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch,
M-N-O-P, menstrual blood on your prick,
Q-R-S-T, alphabetically speaking you're S-H-I-T
U, make my pussy itch,
V-D down to your feet,
W-X-Y-Z,
I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Hash what you mean to me.

ABORTION
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Melody - Ja-Da
Contributed by ZiPpY, Pike's Peak HHH

Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well you get that poker nice and hot,
Then you shove it way up in her twat.
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sticks and coat hangers and all the rest,
But I like Drano, it's the best.
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, south,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her mouth.
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, down,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her brown.
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
They may be fat and they may be thin,
But - they 're all beauty queens when you get it in.
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Hand Job , Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Hand Job, Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
You wrap your hand around your gland,
You slap it around 'til it just won't stand.
Hand Job , Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She wraps her legs around your face,
You lick and slobber all over the place.
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Back door, cornhole, it's a gas,
You ram that pecker right up her ass.
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well it's mangy, rangey, and covered with hair,
But what would you do if it wasn't there?
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
you put the sheep's legs inside your boots,
so she won't change her mind when you're about to shoot.
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She'll swallow it all and she'll swallow it well,
She'll swallow it all 'cause she ain't on the pill.
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Taint, Taint, T-A-i-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's not the ass and it's not the cunt,
It's the little bit of heaven 'tween the rear and the front.
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's white and cheesy, and it smells like taint,
But if you eat too much, you're liable to faint.
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Northside, southside, eastside, west,
My baby likes it best when I cum on her chest.
Oh Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well they're just a part of the epiderm,
But I like 'em best when they're big and firm.
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)

AIR FORCE SONG
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Melody - US Air Force Song
Contributed by Ogre, Osan Bulgogi HHH

Off we go,
Into her hot, wet, pussy,
Wiggling our tails,
Looking for eggs.

Some of us,
Will bounce off her tonsils,
Some of us,
Will drip down her leg.

I'm the one,
That found the hole in the condom,
Finally,
Reaching my goal.

Yes!
That's it!
Oh no!
It's shit!
He stuck it up the Hershey hole!!!

ALI BOOGIE
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Melody - ???

CHORUS:
I boogied last night,
And the night before,
I'm goin' back tonight,
And boogie some more.

Mama's on the bottom,
Papa's on the top,
Baby's in the attic,
Fillin' rubbers with snot.

Mama's on the bottom,
Papa's on the top,
Baby's in the cradle yellin',
"Shove it to 'er, Pop!"

Mama's in the hospital,
Papa's in jail,
Sister's in the corner cryin',
"Pussy for sale!"

I got a gal,
About six-foot four,
She fucks everything,
Like a two-bit whore.

I got a gal,
She lives on a hill,
She won't fuck,
But her sister will.

Papa's got a watch,
Mama's got a ring,
Sister's got a baby,
From shakin' that thing.

One and one makes two,
Two and two makes four,
If the bed breaks down,
We'll fuck on the floor.

ALL MY JISM
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Melody - All My Lovin'
Composed by Crabs, San Francisco HHH, for Gay to Flakers '95

HARRIERS:
Close your eyes, spread your legs,
Let me fertilize your eggs,
Remember, I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll beat off every day,
And send all my jism to you.

HARRIETTES:
He'll pretend to be kissing,
The lips used for pissing,
While fondling his balls so blue.
And then while I'm not home,
He'll be stroking his bone,
And sending his jism to me.

HARRIERS:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, alllllll my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.

HARRIETTES:
I will sing this bright chorus,
While I rub my clitoris,
With my dildo so tried and true.
And then while you're away,
I will vibrate away,
And send all my jism to you.

HARRIERS:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, alllllll my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.

BALL OF YARN
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Melody - ???

CHORUS:
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.

It was in the month of June,
When the flowers are in bloom,
I found her sitting out behind the barn.
As she shoveled up the gobs,
I gently pinched her knobs,
And asked to spin her little ball of yarn.

She undressed before my sight,
We went at it all the night,
Her little body shaking stem to stern.
And the blackbird and the robin,
Saw her little butt a'bobbin,
As I spun her little ball of yarn.

It was two months after that,
In the office where I sat,
Never dreaming she had done me any harm.
And a doctor dressed in white,
Said, "Man, your pecker is a sight,
It's been tangled in a little ball of yarn."

It was nine months to the day,
In the bathtub where I lay,
I felt a heavy hand upon my arm.
And a policeman with a hose,
Said, "Get up and get your clothes,
You're the father of a little ball of yarn."

In my prison cell I sit,
In my bathroom and my shame,
The shadow of my pecker on the wall.
And the ladies as they pass,
Stick hatpins in my ass,
And little mice play hopscotch with my little ball of yarn.

THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBITT HILLBILLIES
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Melody - The Beverly Hillbillies
Contributed by Ian Cumming, New York HHH

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis that is, clean cut, missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
(Curve that is, pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there,"
To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found that is, by a fence, evidence)

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
(Video that is, unexposed, case closed)

Ya all "cum" back now, ya hear!

BE MY GUEST
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Melody - Be Our Guest (from the movie "Beauty and the Beast")
Contributed by Spikes, Whips, and Poles, Heidelberg HHH, who credits the new lyrics to non-hashers John P. Daly and Scott Danby

Be my guest
Be my guest
Put my service to the test
Wrap your legs around my waist cherie
And I will do the rest
Menage a trois, 69
Without your clothes you look just fine
Try the white stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask da bitches
They can scream, they can moan
When I give them all the bone
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants
Then take a look, a glance
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!

Be my love
Be my slave
Let's kick back and watch some Dave
I'll prepare
Extraordinaire
And then I'll spelunk in your cave

We're alone and you're scared
But the bedroom's all prepared
No one's ever been complaining
Cuz I'm always entertaining
I sell smokes, you turn trix
I'm the dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me head
You're such a nice young lass
Come on and shake your ass

Be my guest
If you're stressed
It's my love spear I suggest
Be my guest
I'm the best
Be my guest!

Life is disconcerting
To a flirter who's not flirting
He's not whole without a soul
To jump upon

Ah those good old days when I was fruitful
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn
Three weeks it's been missing
Needing so much more than kissing
Needing exercise, a chance to use its skill
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom
Flabby, fat and lazy

You walk in and I go crazy

It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Sakes alive she's got a chest
Wine's been poured
And I've been bored
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast
With dessert she'll want me
With some luck we'll make it three
While the bed starts in a-squeaking
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking

You'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest
She's my guest

My command is your request
It's been three weeks since
I've seen anybody's peaks
And I'm obsessed

You're a treat, you're a tease
Yes indeed I aim to please
Through the night we'll keep a-going
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing
Thrust by thrust
One by one
Till you shout "Enough, I've come"
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
And I'll start to eat up
Be my guest
I'm the best!
BE MY GUEST!

BEAT IT
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Melody - Michael Jackson's Beat It
Composed by By: Bollox. Phuket HHH
Performed Jun 27, 2009 (The day after Michaels’ death)

Who said don't you ever jack off around here
Don't wanna see your ass, you better disappear
the roomgirl is busy and you don't have a wife
So beat it, just beat it

You better try, you better do what you can
Don't wanna a little boy, or a lady man
Your buddy looks rough, better do what you can
So beat it, but I wanna be had

Chorus:
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
we all gotta be be deseeded
Showem' it's spunky and you might lose your sight
It doesn't matter left hand or right
Just beat it, Just beat it

They're out to get you, you better jack off while you can
Unless you wanna a little boy, or a lady man
You wanna stay hard, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it

You don’t have to show it so don’t be too scared
You're not playin' with your wife, this aint truth or dare
They'll suck you, then they shag you,
even though your skins fair
So beat it, but I wanna be bad

Chorus

BIG BAMBOO
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Melody - Working For the Yankee Dollar

I asked my lady what should I do,
To make her happy, not make her blue,
She said, "The only thing I want from you,
Is a little bitty of the big bamboo."

CHORUS:
She wanted the big bamboo, bamboo,
Eye eye-eye eye-eye-eye,
Working for the Yankee dollar.

So I gave her a coconut,
She said, "I like him, he's okay,
But there's just one thing that worries me,
What good are the nuts without the tree?"

So I sold my lady a banana plant,
She said, "I like him, he's elegant,
We should not let him go to waste,
But he's much too soft to suit my taste."

So I bought my lady a sugar cane,
The fruit of fruits, I did explain,
But she was tired of him very quick,
She said, "I'd rather get my lips around your dip stick."

So I gave my honey a rambutan,
Soft and prickly, how the juices ran,
She said, "I've seen a fruit like this before,
But it had a long stalk and two pips in the core."

She met a chinaman, Him Hung Low,
They got married, went to Mexico,
But she divorced him very quick,
She said, "I want bamboo, not chopstick."

BLEW BY YOU
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Melody - Blue Bayou?
Contributed by Mike "SmallBone" Featherston

I feel brand new; I've got a healthy mind.
It's getting better all of the time
Since I left my old girl behind and got blew by you.

Savin' nickels, saving dimes.
Puttin' em where the sun don't shine
Lookin' forward to the next time I get blew by you.

I'm coming back today, I save my pay to get blew by you.
Oh, it feels real fine, only costs a dime to get blew by you.
Wo' you raised my hopes when you reached for the soap, it's more than I had dreamed
Oh, your suntanned thighs, your moans and cries, how happy I'll be.

I can't wait to see you again.
Until then I'll just use my hand
I know I'll feel better again, when I'm blew by you.
Roses on my piano are nice, but two lips on my organ all night
Make me crazy cause I sure like to get blew by you.

I'm coming back real soon at the midnight moon for that special trick
Cause there ain't no doubt when your teeth come out, you really got it licked.
Oh, I just can't hide how I feel inside when we play horsey and I get to ride
If Cosell would show and call it blow by blow, he'd go cross-eyed.
All the guys on the farm would give their right arm to get blew by you!

BOOM, OOOH, YAKATATA
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Melody - Will You Kiss Me Tonight
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

CHORUS (CONTINUOUSLY):
Boom, oooh, yakatata

Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone?
Will you go to bed with your see-through nightie on?
Will you reach out for your little plastic friend,
Put some baby oil around it's throbbing end?
Will you spare a thought for me while I'm gone?
Will you laugh with your friend over which is long?
Will you slide it up your thighs and up to your crack,
Smile to yourself, Thank God he's not back?
Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone?
'Cause the batteries in your friend have almost gone,
And you never could make that charger thing come on?
So now you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone, try a banana,
'Cause you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone,
Ya bitch.

BY THE LIGHT
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Melody - By the Light of the Flickering Moon

By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw her snatch,
In the watermelon patch.
By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw it gleam, I heard her scream,
You are burning my snatch,
With your fucking match.

BYE BYE CHERRY
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Melody - Bye Bye Blackbird
From the songbook of the 43rd Tactical Fighter Squadron, Elmendorf A.F.B., Alaska

Back your ass against the wall,
Here I come, balls and all,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Won't your mother be disgusted,
When she finds your cherry's busted,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Wrap your legs around a little tighter,
I can feel my load is getting lighter,
Shake your ass and wiggle your tits,
Till my little pecker spits,
Cherry, bye bye!

CHAPPED HIDE
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Melody - Rawhide

Ballin', ballin', ballin',
That boy he keeps on callin',
His crabs, they keep on crawlin',
Chapped hide!

You thought he was the right one,
But he was a one-night stand one,
He's shootin' blanks with his gun,
Chapped hide!

Pick him up, take him home, ride him hard, make him moan!
Wake him up, saddle up, Send him home!
Chapped hide . . . Yee Haw!!

CHRISTOPHER AND ALICE
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Singsong Nursery Rhyme
Contributed by Ian Cumming, who offers the following explanation: "'Plate' (verb transitive) is short for Plate of Ham, rhyming slang for Gam, short for Gamarouche, slang for Cunnilingus, or more specifically Penilingisism."

Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
"Dear little Christopher knows his stuff,
At 'Trying the Beard' and 'Noshing the Muff.'"
- Says Alice

Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin's still gobblin' Alice.
"One more time, then after lunch,
I'll reciprocate and 'Munch the Trunch.'"
- Says Alice

Christopher Robin is getting his knob in,
Alice is down and gobblin' Robin.
She won't say a word while 'Tonguing the Tool,'
"Cos it's rude to talk when your mouth is full."
- Says Alice

They're plating away at Buckingham Palace,
Alice plates Robin and Robin plates Alice.
They're laying down upon the turf,
"Nothing compares with a Soixante Neuf."
- Says Alice

COME AND SIT ON MY FACE IF YOU LOVE ME
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Melody - Red River Valley
Contributed by Sky Queen, St Louis/Belleville HHH; also known as "Take It in the Hand, Mrs Murphy"

Come and sit on my face, if you love me,
Come and sit on my face, if you care,
And I'll drink from your Red River Valley,
And munch on your curly pubic hairs.

Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle,
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I would fly to the ends of creation,
And I'd butt-fuck the Man in the Moon.

Oh, take it in the hand, Mrs Murphy,
It feels just like a rolling pin.
But if you roll it between your hands,
It'll take some time to be useful again.

Oh, take it in the mouth, Mrs Murphy,
It only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs round its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you shake it up and down.

Oh, take it between the breasts, Mrs Murphy,
And look it staight in its one eye.
It will lie at peace between your bosom,
Until finally milk-tears you cry.

Oh, place it between your legs, Mrs Murphy,
It is just aching to crawl inside.
It has a helmet on its head like a soldier,
And it will shoot all its ammo, then die.

Oh, but never touch Flying Booger's (insert hasher's name), Mrs Murphy,
It seems his is covered with scabs.
His's has warts all over like a horny toad,
And is protected by an army of crabs.

CROCK OF SHIT
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Melody - Unknown (slow blues)
Contributed by ZiPpY

I've been married thirty years,
Shared my hopes and shared my fears,
What I made, spent ev'ry bit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.

I sent all my kids to school,
Now they think that I'm a fool,
They don't like me 'cause I spit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.

After work most every night,
I came home - we had a fight,
My wife always was a wit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.

If you haven't yet got wed,
Listen close to what I've said,
Freedom's still within your mitt;
Man this love's a crock of shit.

CUCUMBER SONG
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Melody - Botany Bay
Written by Julie (Cucumber) Hart, Phuket H3

A restless young lady from Phuket,
Developed a wonderful trend,
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure,
'Cause she found they were better than men.

CHORUS:
So line up for your cucumbers, ladies,
They're selling for two bucks apiece,
Your frustrated days are all over,
'Cause cucumbers never get pissed.

In Asia they're eaten with chilies,
In Britain they're put between bread,
But in Phuket we use them as teddies,
'Cause we know that they'll never want head.

They'll never leave stains on the mattress,
They're happy to live in the fridge,
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.

So watch out you self-centered guys,
You're not quite as great as you think,
There's no guarantee it will work again,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.

DILDOS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND
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Composed by Chlorine Will Kill Anything from the So Happy It's Tuesday H3
Melody - Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friendbr>

A cock in my ass, makes me quite sentimental
But dildos are a girl's best friend
A guy may try to sell his credentials
As he tips his hat
But he can't touch my pussy cat
Men are cold
And they grow old
And they all lose their boners in the end
But rubber or glass
My toys always last
Dildos are a girls best friend.

THE DIVORCE GAME
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Composed by Slippery Beaver, currently of the Huachuca Hash House Harriers
Melody - Take me out to the Ball Game

Make me out as the bad guy;
Trash my name in the crowd;
Tell them that I don't pay child support;
My breath is bad and my.dick is too short!
So it's all my fault for the whole thing;
The guy is always to blame;
Lose your house, car, and half of your pay;
In the divorce game!

DON'T THAT BASTARD GET ANY BIGGER?
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Melody - Put Another Log On the Fire
Written by Julie (Cucumber) Hart, Phuket H3

Don't that bastard get any bigger?
I bet some bitch bit off the last three feet,
It's wrinkled like a six week old banana,
And got a limp a cripple couldn't beat.
Come on, baby,
Can't you make it go any faster?
And don't forget to let me get there first.
Don't that bastard get any bigger?
You're lucky someone understands, like me.

Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
And don't forget my birthday's in a week,
What about the tennis courts you promised,
And how about Hawaii for a break?
Come on, baby,
Climb another rung in that ladder,
You haven't had a pay raise since New Year's.
Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
You're lucky someone understands, like me.

Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
Jesus, why do you have to work so hard?
You never stay at home on the weekends,
No wonder your banana's never ripe.
Come on, baby,
You hang around the office till all hours,
I bet you've got a brand new secretary,
Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
You're lucky someone understands, like me.

DON'T SAY NO
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Melody - ???

Oh my darling, don't say no,
Onto the sofa you must go.
Up with your petticoat,
Down with your drawers,
You tickle mine,
And I'll tickle yours.

DO YOU FUCK ON FIRST DATES?
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Melody - Unknown
Contributed by Mike "SmallBone" Featherston

I've blown too much of my time,
Buying dinner and wine.
And my money on flowers and lollys,
Only to find that what's on my mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry.

So I made up some lines
To save wasting time
And to keep me from spending my brass.
I'm ever so cool; I just prop on a stool
Right next to hers and I ask,

"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
'Cause you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest.
This face'll be leaving in quarter of an hour
I'd like you to be on it."

Well you know how it is when you first meet a Sheila
And the bullshit you gotta' go through
Like callin' her up and tellin' her you love her
When all you want is just a screw.
And how she wants to hold hands and you to meet her Old Man.
And sit around for hours and talk
Well, my new method is, you just cut through the gizz
And get down to the goodies straight off.

"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
Do you sleep in the nude?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine, we can fuck of then.

You know how it is when you see a good looking Sheila
And you'd give a weeks pay just to hold her.
Don't sit acting dumb. Just face her full on
Remember the lines that I told ya'
Now this method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will.
I've been spat at and slapped and kneed in the 'nads
But then I've had a few fucks as well.

"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
If the answer is no, to the questions above.
Be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does!

THE ENGINEER'S DREAM
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Melody - Itself

An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-humm, ah-humm,
An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-humm, ah-humm,
An engineer told me before he died,
I have no reason to believe he lied.
Ah-humm, ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm,

He had a wife with a cunt so wide (three times),
That she could never be satisfied.

So he built a bloody great wheel (three times),
Two balls of brass and a prick of steel.

The balls of brass he filled with cream (three times),
And the whole fucking issue was driven by steam.

He tied her ankles to the foot of the bed (three times),
He tied her wrists above her head.

There she lay demanding a fuck (three times),
He shook her hand and wished her luck.

Round and round went the bloody great wheel (three times),
In and out went the prick of steel.

Up and up went the level of steam (three times),
Down and down went the level of cream.

Till at last the maiden cried (three times),
"Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!"

(Slowly . . .)
Now we come to the tragic bit (three times),
There was no way of stopping it.

(Back to speed . . .)
Round and round went the bloody great wheel (three times),
In and out went the prick of steel.

Up and up went the level of steam (three times),
Down and down went the level of cream.

She was split from ass to tit (three times),
And the whole fucking issue was covered in,
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from ass to tit,
Covered all over in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Other endings (optional):
The moral of this story is mighty clear (three times),
Never fuck an engineer.

The last time, sir, that prick was seen (three times),
It was over in England fucking the Queen.

It jumped off her, it jumped on him (three times),
And then it buggered their next of kin.

It jumped upon an uptown bus (three times),
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss.

Nine months later a child was born (three times),
With two brass balls and a bloody great horn.

Now we come to the bit that's grim (three times),
It finished with her and started on him.

Now we come to the bit that's blue (three times),
It finished with him and it's looking for YOU!

FANNY BOY
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Melody - Botany Bay
Contributed by ZiPpY

If you ever go across the sea to Darwin,
Then maybe at the closing of the day,
You will see the local harlots at their business,
And watch the sun go down on Fanny Bay.

Some are black and some are white,
And some are brindle,
And some are young
Ad some are old and grey,
But what will cost you twenty quid
In Lower Crown Street,
Will cost you half a zac in Fanny Bay.

FONDLE ME WITH CARE
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Melody - Handle Me With Care

I've been sucked off and I've been struck down,
I've been pulled off and I've been pulled around,
But you're the best fuck that I've ever found, Fondle me with care.

CHORUS:
I'm so tired of feeling horny,
I still have some cum to give,
Won't you show me all your pubic hairs,
Everybody, wants somebody, to cream on,
Put your body, next to mine, and dream on.

I've had it thin and I've had it thick,
Had my lumps and I've had my licks,
But when you play with my prick,
Fondle me with care.

I've got big red bloodshot eyes,
We stayed up and drank all night,
When I exposed myself to your wife,
She fondled me with care.

Well I flashed my dick and terrorized,
Put my tongue between your thighs,
Bend over baby and I'll sodomize,
Fondle me with care.

Well, my balls are tight and I've made a mess,
I'll have to clean up my act I guess,
Let me put my hand up your dress, and,
Fondle you with care.

FURBURGER KING
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Melody - Burger King Jingle

Hold my pickle, I'll eat your lettuce,
Cunnilingus don't upset us,
All we ask is that you let us,
Have it your way.
Have it your way - sit on my face,
Have it your way - give us a taste,
Have it your way at Furburger King.

(I WANT A) GANG BANG
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Melody - Itself
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
I want a gang bang if I could,
Because a gang bang feels so good.
When I was younger and in my prime,
I used to gang bang all the time.
Now I'm older and getting gray,
I only gang bang once a day.

Leader: Knock, knock.
Pack: Who's there?
Leader: Ida.
Pack: Ida who?
Leader: Ida want another gang bang if I could,
Because a gang bang feels so good, etc.

OTHER VERSES:
Mister Bush/Mister Bush and came on her stomach
Ben/Ben dover and have another
Turner/Turner over and have another
Sam and Janet/Sam and Janet evening I'd have a
Bob/Bob down and let's have another
Orange/Orange you glad I didn't say Bob down and let's have another
Ranger/A ranger her for best entry at the
Oliver/Oliver clothes were off at the
Peter Meter/My peter'll meet her at the
Dolly Parton/Dolly's partin' her thighs at the
Tijuana/Tijuana bring your mama to the
Kissinger/Kissinger's great but fuckin' her's better at the
Betty/Betty'll have a sore dick at the
Europa/Europa to the bed post for the
Extinct/Extinct like fish at the
Eileen/Eileen her over the sofa at the
Sharon/Sharon share alike at the
Hedda/Hedda lotta sex at the
Mason Dixon/Mason's Dixon's a girl at the
Ima/Ima glad we had this
Eisenhower/Eisenhower late for the
Witchy/Witchy one your gonna fuck at the
Kenya/Kenya gimme directions to the
M.R./M.R. some nice-a tits at the
Charlie Pride/Charlie pried her legs apart at the
Banana/Banana na na na na na . . .(and so on)

THE GENDER BENDER SONG
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Melody - Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive"
Contributed by Black Hole, The Hague HHH

I used to be a man, now I'm sterilized.
Thinking why do I need a woman, always by my side?
So now I spend so much time, simply playin' with myself,
You know I cum so well alone, I don't need nobody else.

Oh no not I, I will survive,
I've had my HIV tested, and I think I'll stay alive.
Maybe I gotta a month, or perhaps even two,
who gives a shit anyway, If I didn't fuck you

So turn your back, grease out your rear.
Stick out your arse now, and I'll fuck you right here.
It don't really matter, if you're a guy or a girl
I am a Gender Bender, I make the meek & humble hurl.

Oh no not I, I will survive, if you like forget the rubbers, and we'll let this virus thrive.
I really don't give a shit, cause it can't affect me, spread your cheeks now bitch, I'll give you this one for free.

THE GENDER BENDER SONG VERSION II
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Melody - Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive"
Contributed by Davey Crotchit, Hill Country HHH

Once I was a man,
But now I'm sterilized,
My testicles hang useless,
Down between my thighs,
Though my sperm no longer live,
I still have some juice to give,
Should it stay useless down below?
I say no, no, no, no

So let it grow
Give it a blow
It wants to splash and play and frolic,
Where the fertile peckers go,
Though it's all juice, no seed,
It's still growing like a weed.
We can still have lots of fun,
With my smooth, un-chunky cum . . .

So drink it down,
Down, down, down. down,
etc.

GET IT UP, GET IT IN . . .
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Melody - Bonanza Theme
Composed by Rose-Eh, Toronto HHH

Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
Hit the spot, make me hot
I will scream out loud

Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around Suck my toes, insert your hose
Make my juices flow

Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
When I am done and I have cum
We'll start another round

Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around

GIVE ME A CLONE
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Melody - Home on the Range
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to an X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

CHORUS:
Clone, clone of my own
With your Y-chromosome changed to an X
And when I'm alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.

Oh, give me a clone
Is my sorrowful moan,
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she's an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone.

My heart's not of stone
As I've frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we've dined
I'm sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don't you see
Since we're both of us me
When we're having sex, I'm alone.

And after I'm done
She'll still have her fun
For I'll clone myself ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They'll be both of them male,
And they'll each ravish her by and by.

GOD BLESS MY UNDERPANTS
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Melody - God Bless America
Written by Jim "Soar Balls" Blomquist

God bless my underpants,
Brand that I like,
Stand inside them,
And ride them,
Between my buns when I run or I bike.

From the waistband,
To the legholes,
To the fly flap,
Wet with piss,
God bless my underpants,
They look like this.

GONORRHEA
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Melody - Vilikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike)

When I left old Phuket, 'twas just yesterday,
I was given these words by the dear old R.A.,
"Be careful young Hashman, I want you to hear,
Don't go and get pissed up and catch gonorrhea."

CHORUS:
Piss off with your troubles, I don't want to know,
I don't get embarrassed wherever I go,
I like to go whoring and drink lots of beer,
And I never worry about gonorrhea.

I went down to the river and there on the bank,
I saw an old man who was having a wank,
Disgusted, I told him it'll make him go blind,
He said, "Son, it's so good I really don't mind."

I went round to a friend's house making some calls,
His old dog was sitting there just licking its balls,
I said, "That looks nice, I'd like to try that,"
Well, okay, but first give old Fido a pat.

Into the Rock Hard I happened to stroll,
To sit and perv on some lovely young moll,
One sat down beside me, 'twas when I awoke,
For the last twenty minutes I'd been ogling a bloke.

While out in the jungle and running with Hash,
I felt like a blow job and I had some spare cash,
I offered a young lady the sum of ten bucks,
She said, "Wait for the G.M., they say that he sucks."

Well I finally caught it, and I'll tell you this,
You cannot drink beer, and it hurts you to piss,
I've a little red sore that looks just like a chancre,
But I'd rather be poxed up than like you, you wanker.

GOT IT UP, GOT IT IN. . .
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Melody - Bonanza Theme Song
Response to Get it up, Get it in . . .
From Whiff of the PH3

Got it up, got it in, got it out, now here's some cab fare,
It was great, but gee it's late, time for you to go!

Shot my load, now hit the road, don't call me I'll call you.

Got it up, got it in, got it out, now here's some cab fare,
It was great, but gee it's late, time for you to go!

It was fun, but now I've cum, hope it was good for you.

Got it up, got it in, got it out, now here's some cab fare,
It was great, but gee it's late, time for you to go!

GREAT BIG WHEEL
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Melody - ???
Kiwi variation on "The Engineer's Song," above

Oh a Cowboy told me before he died
And I've got no reason to think he lied
That though he tried for most of his life
He just never could satisfy his wife.

CHORUS:
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went a rod of steel
I'll lay you money on a sure-fire bet
That bloody great wheel is turning yet.

So he mounted up a great big wheel
There upon a rod of steel
Two brass chambers a-filled with cream
And the whole bloody thing was run by steam.

Then he rolled it through the bedroom door
And the wheel started up with a great big roar
It rolled to his wife and rolled on top
And it pumped until she hollered stop.

But the bloody great wheel just rolled on through
'Till the cowboy's wife was split in two.
Then as if possessed by a monstrous whim
It turned around and mounted him.

It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast
Mounting all the people just a-strolling past
Covered them all with grease and cream
'Till it disappeared in a cloud of steam.

So if you ever see a bloody great wheel
There upon a rod of steel,
Run for the prairie or over the hill
Unless you're looking for a long-time thrill.

GREEN GROW THE RASHES O
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Melody - Green Grow the Rushes O

Green grow the rashes O,
Green grow the rashes O,
The sweetest bed I ever had,
Was the bellies of the lassies O.

We're all full from eating it,
We're all dry from drinking it,
The parson kissed the fiddler's wife,
And couldn't preach for thinking of it.

There's a pious lass in town
Godly Lizzy Lundy O,
She mounts the peak throughout the week,
But fingers it on Sunday O.

Lizzie is of large dimension,
There is not a doubt of it,
The soccer team went in last night,
And none has yet come out of it.

Jockie's wife she thought she'd shave it,
Threw him in a pretty passion,
Shouting he'd not have a wife,
Whose private parts were out of fashion.

HAND SOLO SONG
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Melody - My Favorite Things
By Wings, performed at Mexican Mardigras Hash, April 2000

Handcuffs on bedposts and latex with jelly,
Whip marks on backsides and cum stains on bellies,
Nasty infections that ooze from my thing,
These are the memories from my last fling.

Ball grabbing sessions with shower falsettos
Blindfolds and butt plugs and high heeled stilettos
Sweaty transvestites performing from swings
These are the memories from my last fling.

Pink pocket pussies and dildos with mayonnaise
Hand jobs with duct tape and nipple clamp entrees
Edible panties on guys with cock rings
These are the memories of my last fling.

When the crabs bite, when my pee stings,
When I'm feeling sore,
I simply remember Hand Solo's around,
And then I scream out for more.

HARVEST OF LOVE
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Melody - Itself

I rise at six and I feed the chicks,
And I'm feeling lonesome and blue,
And when I milk the cow it seems somehow,
My thoughts keep straying to you,
And as the horse and I plow the fields nearby,
Your mem'ry I can't erase,
'Cause when I walk at the rear of the horse, my dear,
I seem to see your face.

CHORUS:
I'm gonna sow the seeds of deep devotion,
Fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire,
And then I'll reap the harvest of love.

Side by side we'll take a ride
In my horse and buggy one day,
Down lover's lane I'll turn the reins,
And my horse will run out of hay,
And I will kiss those lips, those tempting lips,
The only one that can thrill me,
And we will frolic at night in the pale moonlight,
If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me.

HELLO PENIS
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Melody - Sound of Silence

Hello penis my old friend,
I've come to play with you again,
When those wet dreams come a-creeping,
I spurt my seeds while I am sleeping,
And with your helmet firmly planted in my hand,
It will expand,
While jerking off in silence.

In horny dreams I get a bone,
I beat off on cobble stones,
Beneath the halo of a street lamp,
I see a whore who's getting very damp,
For five hundred baht in a flash she's on her back,
She spreads her crack,
And twitches her twat in silence.

Those who see and do not know,
How to make my penis grow,
I whipped you out so she might eat you,
I stuffed you up into her pussy spew,
And then my sperm, like silent raindrops fell,
And turned to gel,
While jerking off in silence.

And the ants came out and played,
In the fucking mess I'd made,
But in heeding daddy's warning,
That mum would find it in the morning,
So I rolled out of bed and wiped it up with my shirt,
God, what a squirt!
Jerking off in silence.

HER VAGINA
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Modified by Davey Crotchit, Dedicated to Free 2 Lay by all the Seoul Hashes
Melody - Yellow Rose of Texas

Her vagina for your breakfast,
Her vagina for your lunch,
Her vagina for your dinner,
Munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It's so speedy and nutritious,
Bite-size and ready to eat,
So take a tip, and eat her now;
Her vagina can't be beat!

HER VAGINA (HAS A FIRST NAME)
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Melody - My Baloney has a First Name
John Valby

Her vagina has a first name,
It's P-U-S-S-Y.
Her vagina has an address,
It's downstairs at the Y.
I love to eat it every day,
And if you ask me why I'll say:
Her vagina tastes OK,
Mixed with my sperm's DNA!

HERPES FAMILY
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Melody - Addams Family

They're goofy and they're itchy,
They make your girlfriend bitchy,
They hide out in her snitchy,
The Herpes Family!

CHORUS:
Da da da da (snap fingers twice),
Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da, Da da da da, Da da da da

You can hardly see 'em,
But when you start a-pee'n,
They really get ya screamin',
The Herpes Family!

HERPES FAMILYHERPES SONG
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Melody - She Loves You

I think I've got a dose,
And it's not the dripping kind,
It's the one that hurts the most,
And it makes you fucking blind.
CHORUS:
I think it's herpes and you know that can be bad,
Yeah that herpes, it can make you fuckin mad oooh,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
With a dose like that it's very, very sad.

I think I've got a dose,
And I got it yesterday,
I came so very close,
To giving it to the maid.

I know there's something wrong,
'Cause there's blisters on my knob,
And the skin's peeling off my dong,
And erections make it throb.

I'm going to see the quack,
'Cause I can't stand the pain,
I stuffed it up her crack,
But I won't do that again.

When the doctor took his knife,
I went deeply into sho-o-ck,
What will I tell my wife,
He's going to cut it off.

HOT VAGINA
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Melody - Yellow Rose of Texas

Hot vagina for your breakfast,
Hot vagina for your lunch,
Hot vagina for your dinner,
Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It's so speedy and nutritious,
Bite-size and ready to eat,
So take a tip, go eat your mom;
Hot vagina can't be beat.

HOT VAGINA REDEUX

Melody - Yellow Rose of Texas
Alternate version by S&M&M&M Man and Lorena

Hot vagina in the morning,
Hot vagina all the time,
Just take out your pecker,
And insert it into the foaming brine,
Shove it in and blow your load,
Get ready for a tasty treat,
Do a 69 and start to dine,
Hot vagina can't be beat

Hot vagina in the morning,
Hot vagina all day long,
What a glorious feeling,
To have it warning up your schlong,
Don't be shy, just stick it in,
Get ready for a tasty treat,
Hot vagina for men and women too,
Hot vagina can't be beat

Hot vagina for a noon-time snack,
Hot vagina for a feast,
Hot vagina for a midnight snack,
Oh how we all love that yeast.
You don't need to be a man to have
Such fun eating trim,
Whether you're a dyke or man,
Just go on and dive right in!

HOW ASHAMED I WAS
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Melody - Itself

I met her on the Hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the Hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the Hash - I thought I'd try a bash,
Oh gor blimey how ashamed I was!
OTHER VERSES:

I touched her on the knee - she said "You're fairly free."
I touched her on the thigh - she said "You're fairly high."
I touched her on the spot - she said "I'd rather not."
When I put it in - she said "You're rather thin."
Then when I did come - she said "You're up my bum."
So then I took it out - she said "No need to pout."
So I tried to put it back - but my prick had gone quite slack.
Then she took me in her hand - and she made my roger stand.
Then she climbed up on the top - I tried to make her stop.
She rode me like a horse - I came again, of course.
But still she wanted more - she must have been a whore.
And then my tool grew thinner - I couldn't keep it in her.
Then she called me a nasty name - "You fucking Hashers are all the same."

HOW TO HANDLE A DATE (DUET)
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Melody - Que Sera, Sera
Written by Little Shit & friends, Austin HHH

HARRIER:
Take her hand, her hand, her hand,
It's time to stand, to stand,

You're the king of the land,
So take her hand.

HARRIETTE: He's squeezing my hand, my hand, my hand,
I wish he'd take a stand, a stand,
This wimp of the land,
Quit squeezing my hand.

HARRIER:
Fondle her breast, her breast, her breast,
You know they're the best, the best,
They've passed all the tests,
So fondle her breasts.

HARRIETTE:
He's fondling my breast, my breast, my breast,
I know they're the best, the best,
They can pass any test,
So fondle my breast.

HARRIER:
Finger her twat, her twat, her twat,
Now you've hit the spot, the spot,
It gets her real hot,
When you finger her twat.

HARRIETTE:
He's poking my twat, my twat, my twat,
I bet he thinks he's hit the spot, the spot,
That makes me real hot,
Oh, quit poking my twat.

HARRIER:
So lay that pipe, that pipe, that pipe,
We know she's the type, the type,
She thinks she's real tight,
So lay that pipe.

HARRIETTE:
But what a small cock, small cock, small cock,
He thinks it's a lot, a lot,
Is that all he's got?
Oh, what a small cock.

HARRIER:
Roll over and sleep, and sleep, and sleep,
I gave her the meat, the meat,
It wasn't too deep,
But I got it real cheap.

HARRIETTE:
Wasn't it quick, so quick, so quick,
Just like a prick, a prick,
To give me a stick,
That's just too quick.

I AM PUSSY (HEAR ME ROAR)
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Melody - I am Woman by Anne Murray

I am pussy hear me roar,
My tits are too big to ignore,
And if I don't reach orgasm I pretend.

'Cause I've jerked 'em off before,
I've even banged them on the floor,
And no one's ever gonna dry hump me again!

Ohh yes, I am wide,
It's the perfect place to hide,
Yes when I get wet,
They say it's like a tide.

But if I have to,
I can fuck anything,
I am strong,
I am so stretchable
I am pussy!

I am pussy eat me out,
My clit is turning inside out,
And my labia is frothing at the hole.

Now I'll hump you even stronger,
Not a novice any longer,
'Cause you deepen the construction of my hole.

Oh yes, I'm a slut,
I'm an H3 slut,
And If you pay my price,
I'll let you fuck me twice,
And if I have to,
I can fuck anything,
I am strong,
I am so stretchable,
I am pussy!

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE ARMY
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Melody - Itself

I don't want to join the Army,
I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground,
Living off the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't want a bullet up me arsehole,
Don't want me bullocks shot away,
I want to stay in England,
Jolly, jolly England,
And fornicate me bloomin' life away, gor blimey . . .

Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
On Wednesday, I confess, I lifted up her dress,
Thursday night we went to the picturest,
Friday I put me hand upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak (Tweak! Tweak!)
And Sunday after supper, I put the old boy up 'er,
And now it costs me forty bob a week, gor blimey.

I don't want to join the Navy,
I don't want to go to sea,
I just want to go down to old Soho,
Tickling all the girlies in the umtiddly-um-pum,
I don't want a bayonet up me arsehole,
I don't want me knackers shot away,
I'd rather live in England,
Merry, merry England,
And fornicate me fuckin' life away.

Call out the Regimental Army,
Call out the Navy and Marines,
Call out me mother,
Me sister and me brother,
But for God's sake,
Don't call me, gor blimey.

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE CONVENT
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Melody - Same
Composed by hashers unknown, likely for InterHash '92 in Phuket, Thailand

I don't want to join the convent,
Purity is really quite a bore,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't want to waste my life a virgin,
I don't want to count my rosary,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.

Monday I got myself deflowered,
Tuesday I moved into his house,
On Wednesday I declared, you Hashers aren't so bad,
Thursday a climax! Oh, gor blimey,
Friday he told me he was leaving,
Saturday he flew to Singapore,
And Sunday starts the party,
To celebrate his parting,
And now I've got eight weeks to fuck around, gor blimey.

I don't want to raise a family,
I'm not cut out for nine to five,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't care if I don't go to heaven,
I don't want to go there all alone,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.

I LIKE COCK
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Melody - Three Blind Mice
Written by Julie (Cucumber) Hart, Phuket H3

I like cock,
I like cock,
See how they rise,
See how they rise,
They fit so nicely and feel so grand,
They come in all sizes, all shapes and brands,
There's nothing finer than making them stand,
'Cause I like cock,
I like cock.

I LIKE CUNT
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Melody - Three Blind Mice

I like cunt,
I like cunt,
Ain't it cute,
Ain't it cute?
Up against railings I've often stood,
Fucking young ladies and doing them good,
It's so much better than pulling your pud,
'Cause I like cunt,
I like cunt.

I'LL NEVER PISS AGAIN
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Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic
Written by Barney & Derelict, Atlanta Black Sheep HHH

My dick has felt the burning of the coming of the clap,
I've been clean all these years and now I've got a real bum rap,
That bitch said she was clean but she really was a liar,
'Cause now my dick's on fire.

CHORUS:
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
And I'll never piss again.

I saw her coming at me from across the Georgia bar,
Her ass was swinging wildly and her tits were sagging far,
I propped her on a barstool and I bought that bitch a drink,
Then I smelled that telltale stink.

Swedish Bees, Kamikazes, Stolies, and some brew,
My dick was getting hard, man, the big old Wally grew,
She reached into my pants and she pulled that monster out,
Then John Cleveland began to shout.

Well I should have listened to him 'cause he'd been with her before,
That must have been where he got that bloody festered sore,
I should have listened to him when he said she was a whore,
But you knows "Bo needs more."

So I took her on a hash run and that bitch ran fast and hot,
You could almost see the nasty stuff a-dripping out her slot,
And at the On-In, she told me she really wanted to fuck,
But I should have just let her suck.

Now I'm in the doctor's office sitting in the chair,
Nothing like a red hot poker way down deep in there,
The doctor pushed too far and my scrotum began to tear,
God, this really SUCKS.

I LOVE MY WIFE
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Melody - Itself

I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do,
I love her truly,
I love the hole that she pisses through,
I love her lily white tits and her ruby red lips,
And her little brown asshole,
I'd eat her shit, gobble-gobble, chomp-chomp,
With a rusty spoon (with a rusty spoon).

I PUT MY HAND (Ya Ho)
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Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home

I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe,
She said, "Hey young hasher, you're way too low,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee,
She said, "Hey young hasher, you're teasin' me,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my hand upon her thigh, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her thigh Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her thigh,
She said, "Hey young hasher, you must be high,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my hand upon her tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her tit,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're squeezin' it,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her twat,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you've hit the spot,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my cock right in her mouth, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my cock right in her mouth, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my cock right in her mouth,
She said, "Blufh lushd ommspf loofnphh,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

(Slowly, with feeling)
Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now she lies in a wooden box,
From sucking too many Hasher's cocks,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

We dig her up every now and then, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
We dig her up every now and then, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
We dig her up every now and then,
And fuck her back to life again,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I PUT MY LIPS
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Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home
(Authorship claimed by Austin HHH Harriettes)

I put my lips upon his toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his toe,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're way too low,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my lips upon his knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his knee,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're teasin' me,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my lips upon his tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his tit,
He said, "Hey Harriet, I've just been bit,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I put my lips upon his prick, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his prick, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his prick,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're really sick,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

Now he lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now he lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now he lies in a wooden box,
From a severe case of small cox,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!

I SAW HER LEANING THERE
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Melody: I Saw Her Standing There; The Beattles

Well her leg came off clean,
And she never had gangrene,
But the way she limps,
She was no Fred Astaire.

She'll never dance, but I love her,
Since I saw her leaning there

She hopped up to me
She's a gorgeous amputee
And before she falls,
I fall in love with her

My kids have a one legged Mother,
Since I saw her leaning there.

Well my heart goes thump,
When I touched that stump
And I held her hand in miiiiiiiiiine

Oh we danced the other night
Well she listed to the right
And the way she limps,
She ain't no Fred Astaire.

She'll never dance, but I love her,
Since I saw her leaning there.

I SCREW YOU (AKA THE BARNEY SONG)
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Melody: Theme Song from Barney
I Heard this from a cute hasher at a Dayton Hash Weekend

I screw you,
You screw me,
Barney gave me HIV,
With a hug and a kiss and a whole lot more,
I got fucked by a dinosaur!

I WILL SURVIVE
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Melody: I will Survive
From the Music Maestro, Luanda Hash House Harriers

Bloke's version:

First I was afraid I was petrified,
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side,
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door,
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore,
And now you're sitting on my face,
My nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.

I want to go, I've got to leave,
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave.
Only hope that no one saw me
Walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer
You can sod you beer goggles,
Shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a se*xy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared,
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly bre*asts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With t*its that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants se*x on her dirty lino floor.
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I will survive, I WILL SURVIVE!

To which the girls reply...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w@nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've ried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess,
It's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F*cken ugly face!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking,
Spirits and the beer,
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked like Richard Gere!

I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I'm f*cking off right now,
I'm jumping on the Flippin' train,
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greebies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst se*x in the world and you're an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat,
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you tw@t.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze,
I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Coz waking up beside your mug just makes me want to be a nun!

I WILL SURVIVE (VERSION 2)
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Melody: I will Survive
From Te-Killya Tits, San Antonio Hash House Harriers

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent so many nights
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda
lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't! notice it pop out,
Don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count?

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I'm saving all my lovin'
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a dick that small I was treating diaper rash!
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no little worm,
I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I cou! ld do with a dick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
And then call it an hors d'oeuvre!

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey, hey!

Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance,
Cuz I know it's length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin' at my door,
You'll be counting your 4 inches
as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now Go!


IF I WERE THE MARRYING KIND
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Melody - ???

If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a rugby full-back.

And he'd find touch, and I'd find touch,
We'd both find touch together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Finding touch together.

If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a rugby wing three-quarter.

And he'd go hard, and I'd go hard,
We'd both go hard together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Going hard together.

OTHER VERSES:
Centre three-quarter - pass it out.
Rugby fly-half - whip it out.
Rugby scrum-half - put it in.
Rugby hooker - strike hard.
Big pop-forward - bind tight.
Rugby referee - blow hard.
Spectator - come again.

ISN'T IT AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE A PENIS? (THE PENIS SONG)
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Melody - Itself
From Monty Python (copyrighted material)

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it awfully nice to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willie or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they'll stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

ISN'T IT GREAT TO HAVE A CLITORIS?
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Melody - Same
Parody of "The Penis Song," above, written by the Harriettes of the Austin HHH

Isn't it great to have a clitoris,
Isn't it great to have a box?
It's wonderful to own a vagina,
It's grand to own a bush,
From the tiniest little hole,
To the world's largest twat.
So three licks for your muff or furburger,
Hurray for your Venus mound,
Your piece of ass, your husband's favorite toy,
Your pussy or your cunt.
You can keep it in edible undies,
You can put on crotchless panties,
But don't take it out in public,
Unless you charge a lot,
Or you won't get very rich.

a name="f51a">ITS GRANDMA!
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Melody - Something close to "Plastic Jesus"
By Lost & Fucked, Atlanta

(Give a signal when you want the pack to scream "IT'S GRANDMA!"
Like raise your arms.)

[Chant]: Spring, summer, winter, fall.
Who's the fairest of them all!
[Pack]: IT'S GRANDMA!

I don't care what's The season
As long as there's some geezin' pleasin'
Going on inside my fuckin' car.
I will overlook the tumors
As long as Granny drops her bloomers
Fornicatin' in my fucking car.

*When we pull up in the driveway
Grandpa asks us why we're late
I'm careful with the answers
'Cause I've found my soul mate.
[Pack]: IT'S GRANDMA!

Beyond the tremors and the wrinkles
And the perfume that is sprinkled
That aged-lady smell inside my car.
Blowjobs are beyond belief
She's got removable false teeth
Blowin' me like a pornographic star.
My 90 year old date inside my car.

[Chant]: Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday.
Who makes everyday a fun day?
[Pack]: IT'S GRANDMA!

I don't care what day it is
As long as Granny gets the jizz
Steaming windows in my fucking car
Although she's no longer sprightly
She's retired so sex is nightly
Getting freaky in my fucking car.

*Her eyesight's sorely fading
And her hearing's going too
But someone won't get pregnant
I bet you can guess who.
[Pack]: IT'S GRANDMA!

She becomes a horny biddy
When I squeeze those pancake titties
Giving Granny love inside my car.
When she dies I'll truly miss her
But she's got an older sister
May-December sex is above par.
Geriatric sex inside my car.
[Pack]: IT'S GRANDMA!

I'VE GOT A START ON A TWELVE-INCH HARD-ON
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Melody - I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover

I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard-on
That I've had all afternoon.
Went to the doctor, he told me to cough,
I wish that he would have whacked it right off!
Come to me, Venus, massage my penis,
And shrivel it like a prune,
'Cause I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard-on
I'll probably have till June, till June.
I'll probably have till June.

THE KEYHOLE SONG
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Melody - Itself

The party ended early,
'twas only half past nine,
And by some stroke of bloody good luck,
Her room was next to mine.
And so like Christopher Columbus,
I started to explore,
I took up my position,
At the keyhole in the door.

Oh the keyhole, keyhole, keyhole,
The keyhole in the door.
I took up my position
At the keyhole in the door.

She sat down by the fireside,
Her lily white tits to warm,
With only a nylon chemise on,
To hide her naked form.
If only she would take it off,
What man could ask for more?
By God, I saw her take it off,
Through the keyhole in the door.

Oh the keyhole, keyhole, keyhole,
The keyhole in the door.
By God, I saw her take if off,
Through the keyhole in the door.

With soft and trembling fingers,
I opened up the door,
With soft and trembling footsteps,
I crossed the bedroom floor.
And so that no other man could,
See what I'd seen before,
I stuffed that nylon chemise up,
The keyhole in the door.

Oh the keyhole, keyhole, keyhole,
The keyhole in the door.
I stuffed that nylon chemise up,
The keyhole in the door.

That night I slept in rapture,
And something else beside,
Upon her glorious bosom,
Had many a glorious ride.
That morning when I woke up,
My prick was mighty sore,
I felt as if I'd stuffed it up,
The keyhole in the door.
Hey!

LA COCK
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Melody - La Cucaracha
Composed and sung by the PMS Sisters (Steep 'n' Deep, Mammaries, and Harlot) at San Francisco's Gay to Flakers Hash, May '94

La cock'll choke you, la cock'll choke you,
Eef you put it down my throat,
La cock'll choke you, la cock'll choke you,
Get off my face you big fat bloat.

La cock'll choke you, la cock'll choke you,
Eet's too beeg for my small mouth,
La cock'll choke you, la cock'll choke you,
I don' go north, I just go south.

La cock'll choke you, eet make me gag, too,
It can really make me squirm,
La cock'll choke you, la cock'll choke you,
I'd rather suck tequila worm.

LEPROSY (FOLLOWED BY SYPHILIS)
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Melody - Yesterday by the Beatles

Leprosy.
Bits and pieces falling off of me,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Oh how did I get leprosy?

Syphilis.
It just started with a simple kiss,
Now it hurts to even take a piss,
Oh why did I get syphilis?

Why, her, box was sick,
I don't know, she didn't say.
Now, my, dripping dick,
Won't get thick,
Like yes-ter-day-ay-ay-ay,

Yesterday,
My cock was always coming out to play,
Now it needs two weeks to hide away,
Oh I believe in yesterday!

LET ME BALL YOU SWEETHEART
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Melody - Let Me Call You Sweetheart

Let me ball you sweetheart; I'm in bed with you,
Let me hear you whisper that it's time to screw.
Make your body wiggle in the same old way,
And I'll be back to see you on my next pay day.

Let me call you sweetheart; I'm in bed with you,
Let me pinch your boobies till they're black and blue.
Let me stroke your vulva till it's filled with goo,
Let's play hide the weenie up your old wazoo.

LET'S SCREW
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Melody - White Rabbit's Song from Alice in Wonderland (I'm late, I'm late, etc)
By Catwoman, Daytona HHH

Let's screw, let's screw, I want a piece of you.
No time to say hello, goodbye, let's screw, let's screw, let's screw.
And, bring some brew, at least a case or two,
I'll need lots of sex and beer to spend my time with you.

I'm horny as a three-balled tom, I've get to get some sex.
Right now I'd screw most anything, I'd even screw your ex.
So won't you come with me, as long as it's for free.
No need to say hello, goodbye, let's screw, let's screw, let's screw.

LITTLE PENIS
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Melody - I'm a Little Teapot
By John "Dr Dirty" Valby (copyrighted material)

I'm a little penis short and stout
I'm a little handle and here is my spout
When I get a hard-on I will shout
Contract little vulva and let the semen out!

I'm a little pussy moist and split
Here is my labia and here is my clit
When I get all horny I will shout
Get me up the ass and eat me out!

I'm a little pubic hair soft and curly
I get sticky when they shoot too early
When you rub against me I will shout
Ouch you fuckin' bastard you jut pulled me out!

LONG AND THIN
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Melody - Pop Goes the Weasel
Contributed by ZiPpY

Long and thin goes too far in,
And doesn't pleases the ladies;
Short and thick will do the trick,
And bring out proper babies.
Oh our Mary tried it once,
Once is once too many;
Wasn't she a proper dunce?
Did it for a penny.

LOTSA FUCKING
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Melody - Little Boxes

Lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking, lotsa shafting, lotsa screwing, shagging,
Lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking, all the same,
There's a blonde one, and a brown one, and brunette, and a redhead one,
But they all get lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking all the same.

And the people I've been fucking, they all go to the university,
Where they all get lots more fucking, lots more fucking all the same,
I've had doctors, I've had lawyers, lawyers and business executives,
And they all get lotsa fucking, and I fucked them all the same.

And the girls grow into housewives, and I fuck them till they're sore and dry,
And they all have pretty children, and the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp, and then to the university,
Where they all get lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking all the same.

And the boys go into business, pimps, rent boys, male prostitutes,
So they all get lots of fucking, even if they're fucking gay,
There's a blonde one, and a brown one, and brunette, and a redhead one,
But they all get lotsa fucking, lotsa fucking all the same.

LOVE ME TENDER
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Melody - Love Me Tender

Love me tender, love me sweet,
Wrap your lips around my meat,
Watch me smile and watch me grin,
As the cum rolls down, down, down, down.......

MAN TRAP
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Melody - Ring of Fire
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Love is a burning thing,
Met a girl who could make me sing,
A snatch was never wider,
I fell into her huge vagina.

I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, almost the whole way to China.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.

The taste, it was so sweet,
Then I slid in my meat,
Just before I was done,
She asked, "Are you in yet hon?"

I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, almost the whole way to China.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.
(Let it squirm!)

I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, but she wouldn't let me ride her,
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.

I tasted her and then,
I had to try again,
She said, with all her charm,
"Don't use your cock again, try your arm."

I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
With arms and legs both, I couldn't satisfy her.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.

MARRIAGE A LA MODE
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Melody - Itself
(Take turns leading verses)

CHORUS:
Hey jig-a-jig, fuck a little pig,
Follow the band,
Follow the band with my gland in your hand,
Hey jig-a-jig, fuck a little pig,
Follow the band,
Follow the band all the way.

My husband's (wife/boyfriend/girlfriend) a butcher, a butcher, a butcher,
A very fine butcher is he.
All day he stuffs sausage, stuffs sausage, stuffs sausage,
At night he comes home and stuffs me.

OTHER VERSES:
Jockey/rides thoroughbreds/rides me
Carpenter/whacks nails/whacks me
Sergeant/chews ass/chews me
Airline pilot/bores holes/bores me
Private/eats shit/eats me
Postman/licks stamps/licks me
Bus Driver/drives buses/drives me
Lion Tamer/tames lions/tames me
Plumber/reams pipes/reams me
Pervert/molests children/molests me
Pianist/tickles ivory/tickles me
Psychoanalyst/analyzes patients/anal-izes me
Pimp/beats whores/beats me
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me
Policeman/cuffs crooks/cuffs me
Ropemaker/ties knots/ties me
Baker/kneads dough/needs me
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me
Student/fucks off/fucks me
Lawyer/screws clients/screws me
Chimney Sweep/pokes smokestacks/pokes me
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me
Hasher/runs trail/snores

MASTURBATA
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Melody - The Macarena
Contributed by J.R.

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the others on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!

MASTURBATION (FORNICATION)
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Melody - Alouette
By Danny Ross Taylor, Austin HHH

CHORUS:
Masturbation, I love masturbation,
Masturbation, I love to masturbate.

Leader: How I like to choke my chicken,
Pack: Yes, he likes to choke his chicken,
Leader: Choke my chicken,
Pack: Choke his chicken,
Leader: Masturbate,
Pack: Masturbate,

Chorus

Leader is now the next person on the right - lead goes around the circle with each new verse, and all old verses should be repeated, as in AAHLAWETA:

Leader: How I like to spank my monkey,
Pack: How he likes to spank his monkey,
Leader: Spank my monkey,
Pack: Spank his monkey,
Leader: Choke my chicken,
Pack: Choke his chicken,
Leader: Masturbate,
Pack: Masturbate,

OTHER VERSES:
Lope my mule
Rub my nub
Whip my lizard
Swat my twat
Tease the beaver
Flog my log
Stroke my snatch
Tap my gap
Beat my meat
Pull my pony
Yank my chain
Use three fingers
Moan and jerk
etc . . .
This goes on until no one can think of new masturbation verses, at which point the song becomes "Fornication":

CHORUS:
Fornication, I love fornication,
Fornication, I love to fornicate.

Leader: How I like to be on top,
Pack: Yes, she likes to be on top
Leader: Be on top,
Pack: Be on top,
Leader: Fornicate,
Pack: Fornicate,

OTHER VERSES:
Do it standing up
Hide the salami
Drive it deep
Bark like a dog
Bump and grind
Pump and hump
Grind her mound
Give jungle love
Do it in the dirt
etc . . .

MASTURBATION SONG - 5 Versions
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Melody - Funiculi, Funicula

Version 1, contributed by the SHHH

Last night I stayed in bed and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I stayed in bed and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
First, I gave it the short strokes,
It tickled the crown, just tickled the crown.
Then, I went to the long strokes,
Up and down, way up and down.
Smashed it, bashed it, slammed it on the floor,
Rammed it, crammed it, jammed it through the door,
Most people think that sexual intercourse is very, very grand,
But speaking for myself, I's rather use my hand!

Version 2

Last night I stayed up late and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I stayed up late to masturbate,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand,
And you should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.
Shake it, break it, beat it on the floor,
Smash it, bash it, thrust it through the door,
Some people seem to think that fornication's grand,
But for all-around enjoyment, I prefer to use my hand!

Version 3, Female Version from Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward

Next door, she laid and masturbated,
It did her good, she knew it would.
All night, the bed springs they vibrated,
She thinks it's canny, to rub her fanny.
You should have seen her on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, she used her hand.
You should have seen her on the long strokes,
Around and round, and up and down.
Eased it, teased it, slid along the floor,
Rubbed it, scrubbed it, tickled it to the core.
Some people say that being fucked is very grand,
But for personal enjoyment, she would rather use her hand.

Version 4, Female Version from Free 2 Lay

Last night I laid in bed and masturbated
It felt so good, I knew it would
Last night I laid in bed and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice
First I gave it the short strokes,
Round and round upon my mound
Then I gave it the long strokes
Right in and out and in and out
One finger two fingers I must have some more
Vibrators, dildos,
So happy and so sore
I agree that sexual intercourse is very very grand
But for satisfaction,
I must use my hand

Version 5, The Clean Version, contributed by PMS from Seoul, Korea

Last night, I laid in bed and watched TV,
It felt so good - it was just me!
Last night, I laid in bed and watched TV,
It felt so nice - I did it twice.
First, I picked up the remote,
I turned it on, off and on.
Then, I played with the volume,
Up and down, way up and down.
One channel, two channel, three channel four,
ABC, CBS, NBC and more.
Some people say that interacting with society is very Very grand,
Speaking for myself, I prefer TV Land!

MY DNA (AKA YOUNG GIRL)
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Melody: YMCA

Young Girl,
I like it when you go down,
I said Young Girl,
Won't you kneel on the ground,
I said Young Girl,
With your lips full and round,
On your knees you make me happy.

(spit, spit, spit, spit, spit)

I want to spray you with My DNA,
I want to spray you with My DNA,
It's a present from me,
a gift to all of the girls
I sure hope you like to wear pearls

Drink it down, down, down . . .

MY LITTLE PINK PANTIES
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Melody - When You Wore a Tulip (sometimes known as "My Little Red Rose")

I wore my panties,
My little pink panties,
And he wore his G.I. shorts.
He began to caress me,
And then he undressed me,
What a thrill we had in store.
He played with my titties,
My little pink titties,
And down where the short hairs grow.
His kisses grew sweeter,
He pulled out his peter,
And whitewashed my little red rose.

NO BALLS AT ALL
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Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike

Come all you young drunkards give ear to my tale,
I'll tell you a story that will make you turn pale,
It's about a young lady so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.

No balls at all, no balls at all,
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all.

"Oh mother, oh mother, oh pity my luck,
I've married a man who's unable to fuck,
His toolbag is empty, his screwdriver's small,
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all."

No balls at all, no balls at all,
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all.

"My daughter, my daughter, don't be so sad,
I had the same problem with your dear old dad,
But there's many a man who'll give ear to the call,
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all."

No balls at all, no balls at all,
To the wife of a man who has no balls at all.

The pretty young girl took her mother's advice,
And she thought the whole thing was exceedingly nice,
An eighteen pound baby was born in the fall,
But the poor little bastard had no balls at all.

No balls at all, no balls at all,
The poor little bastard had no balls at all.

NUDE
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Melody - Men of Harlech
By W.J.Bethancourt III and Ed Hirt
Copyright (c) 1982 W.J.Bethancourt III and Ed Hirt
Contributed by ZiPpY

What the use of wearing panties
Whalebone corsets of your Auntie's
Boxer shorts and other scanties
Best of all is nude

There's such fun in going bra-less
Now that it's no longer lawless
'Specially if your figure's flawless
Best of all is nude

Nude is what you're born in
Shirts are never torn in
Underwear and lacy flimsies, garter belts and other whimsies
Yards of itchy cloth to put your form in

Ducks all do it, maidens rue it
Even ancient Picts in Britain blue it
Going naked's how to do it
Best of all is nude!

If your garters aren't elastic
Tie them up in knots fantastic
(Panty hose is something drastic!)
Best of all is nude!

If you're tired of wearing clotheses
Shed your garment 'mongst the roses
Never mind the old bluenoses
Best of all is nude!

Nude is best for ducking!
Worst for horses bucking!
Moonlit nights will see such sights that are very best for fooling round
.....and elbows!

Nudity is grand to see
A well-known antidote to virginity
Take your clothes off and you'll see:
Best of all is nude!

Once Upon My Jeans
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Melody - Once Upon A Dream from Sleeping Beauty
An Original by Free 2 Lay - Harrier's Response by Davey Crotchit

Harriette:
I know you, you came to quick once upon my jeans
I know you, the bulge in your pants made you the man of my dreams
But now I know it's true 8 inches is never what you mean
And if I screw you, I know what you'll do
You'll cum to quick
And I'll make you lick
It off my jeans

Harrier:
I know you, I shot my wad once upon your jeans;
I know you, you yanked and yanked, until, I finally creamed.
But I know if you will place your lips upon my jeans;
And make me turn blue, you know what I'll do;
I'll get hard quick;
And slip my prick;
In-side your jeans!

ONE-EYED TROUSER SNAKE
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Melody - Itself

Oh, I got a little creature,
I suppose you'd call him a pet,
And if there's something wrong with him,
I don't have to see the vet.
He goes everywhere that I go,
Whether sleeping or awake,
God help me if I ever lose,
Me one-eyed trouser snake.

CHORUS:
Oh me one-eyed trouser snake,
Oh me one-eyed trouser snake,
God help me if I ever lose,
Me one-eyed trouser snake.

One day I got reading in an old sky pilot's book,
About two starkers innocents who made the world go crook,
They reckoned it was a serpent that made Eve the apple take,
Crikey, 'twas no flaming serpent, 'twas Adam's one-eyed trouser snake.
I met this arty sheila who I'd never met before,
And something kind of told me she banged like a dunny door,
I said, "Come up and see my etching," she said, "I hope it's not a fake,"
She wasn't disappointed with me one-eyed trouser snake.

So come all you little sheilas and listen to me song,
The moral of the trouser snake is as short as it is long,
Beware of imitation, don't lock your bedroom door,
When me pajama python bites you, you'll be screaming out for more.

ONE TWAT
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Melody - Guantanamera
Composed and sung by the PMS Sisters (Steep 'n' Deep, Mammaries, and Harlot) at San Francisco's Gay to Flakers Hash, May '94

One twat'll nail ya, we tell ya one twat'll nail ya,
The other twats'll jail ya,
Again we have to explain ya,

We don' wan' your old nachos,
Just give us cock, muchas gracias,
We wan' your hot jalapeno,
Don' wan' your thoughts from the beano,
Just wan' your hot jalapeno.

One twat'll nail ya, we tell ya one twat'll nail ya,
The other twats'll jail ya,
(jacking-off motions):
We tell ya one twat won' fail ya,
One twat won' fail ya,
One twat won' fail ya.

ORAL SEX
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Melody - Oklahoma!
Lyrics by "A Lot of Fun Back There," Kansas City & Heartland HHH

O.......ral sex is every Hasher's dream come true!
With my lips so sweet
Upon his meat
In a moment he'll begin to spew!

O.......ral sex, every night my Honey-Lamb and I
Practice 69
And it's so fine
That it brings a tear to my eye.

Oral sex with a Hasher is grand
'Cause a tongue is more fun than a hand!

So when I say......
Yippee Yippee Oh I A!
That means I'm having
Oral Sex with a Hasher
Oral sex: (spell out) O-R-A-L-S-E-X
Oral sex is.......OK!

THE PORTIONS OF A FEMALE
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Melody - ???

The portions of a female that appeal to a mans' depravity,
Are fasioned with considerable care.
And what at first appears to be a simple little cavity,
Is really an elaborate affair.

Now, doctors who have studied,
This family phenomena,
In numerous experiments on dames.
Have taken all the items,
In the gentle sex abdomena,
And given them all lengthy Latin names.

There's the vulva, the vagina, and of course the perinium,
And the hymen that is often found in brides.
There's loads of little things that you would love if you could see 'em,
There's the clitoris, and God knows what besides.

What a pity it is then that the common people shout
Of the mysteries to which I have referred.
And they use for such a delicate and complicated matter,
Such a short and very vulgar little word.

The arodite authorities who study the geography,
Of that obscure and entertaining land.
Are able to indulge a taste of intricate topography,
And view the happy details close at hand.

But ordinary people though aware of their existence,
And complexities beneath the pubic bone.
Normally content themselves to keep them at a distance,
And treat the public speaking as a show.

Therefore when we pry or prod the secrets of virginity,
The methods are perhaps a little blunt.
We do not cloud this issue with long lengthy words in Latin,
But call the whole concern a simple cunt.

Oh men have made this useful land an age making article,
The topic of innumerable jibes.
And though the name is vulgar that is given to this article,
It seems to fit the object it describes.

PREGNANCY (AND VARIATIONS)
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Melody - Yesterday
Some verses by Flying Booger
Flatulence verses by S&M&M&M&M Man

Pregnancy,
There's a shotgun hanging over me,
Why has this bulge got to be,
I should have used one, silly me.

CHORUS:
Why I had to come,
I don't know, she wouldn't blow,
I did something wrong,
Now I long for birth control, ol, ol, ol . . .

Birth control,
It's the only way to save my soul,
Since I put it in my girlfriend's hole,
Now I believe in birth control.

Syphilis,
Feels like razors every time I piss,
Who the hell's to blame for this,
It's agony, this syphilis.

CHORUS:
How I got that sore,
I didn't know, she was a whore.
I was indiscreet,
Now I've got infected meat, eat, eat, eat . . .

Syphilis,
Chancre sores and spots upon my skin,
I never should have stuck it in,
Now I will die of syphilis.

Leprosy,
Bits and pieces falling off of me,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Since I acquired leprosy.

CHORUS:
Why things fall away,
I don't know, no one will say.
When I solve hash trail,
It's my parts that point the way, ay, ay, ay . . .

Leprosy,
Stumps for toes and fingers, woe is me,
There goes my dick, how will I pee?
Quite messily, with leprosy.

Flatulance.
Smelly gassers, it really makes them wince,
It is ruining my existence,
I can not be rid of this flatulance.

Why the smell it grows
From my hole, it's gonna blow,
There's a stain in my pants,
Now I long for Bea- no, o, o, o

Bea - no.
It's the only way to cleasne my hole,
Since I ate those nachos and tacos,
Now I believe in Bea - no.

PUBIC HAIRS!
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Melody - Baby Face

Pubic hairs!
You've got the cutest little pubic hairs,
There's no one else on earth who can compare,
Pubic hairs!
Clitoris or vagina, nothing could be finer than those pubic hairs,
I'm in heaven when I'm in your underwear,
I didn't need a shove, to take a mouthful of,
Those pretty pubic hairs!

PUT YOUR LEFT LEG OVER MY SHOULDER
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Melody - Side by Side

Put your left leg over my shoulder,
Put your right leg over my shoulder,
(wag tongue)
La la la la la, la la la la, la la la.

Put your left tit over my shoulder,
Put your right tit over my shoulder,
(shake head)
Bla bla bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla, bla bla bla.

PUT YOUR LEGS ROUND MY SHOULDERS (HARRIERS)
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Melody - Put Your Head on My Shoulder
Attributed to Little Shit, Austin HHH

Put your legs round my shoulders (shoulders),
Let me lick your lips slowly (slowly),
You know you are the only (only),
Hasher I let sit on my face (my face)

Put your lips on my sweet meat (sweet meat),
Cause you know that it's a real treat (real treat),
And you know you just can't beat (can't beat),
The taste of my meat in your mouth (your mouth)

Put your legs round my midriff (midriff),
Cause I've got something real stiff (real stiff),
And I know you'd be real miffed (real miffed),
If you miss out on your chance (EAT SHIT!)

PUT YOUR LEGS ROUND MY SHOULDERS (HARRIETTES)
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Melody - Put Your Head on My Shoulder

Put your legs round my shoulders (shoulders),
Let me suck your cock slowly (slowly),
Because you know you're not the only (only),
Guy I let sit on my face (my face).

Put your lips on my sweet lips (sweet lips),
Let your tongue do the walkin' (walkin'),
I'll be doing all the talkin' (talkin'),
While I sit on your face (your face).

Put your legs round my midriff (midriff),
Let me ride somethin' real stiff (real stiff),
You know you will be real miffed (real miffed),
If you miss out on the ride of your life (your life).

Turn me round to the other side (other side),
For a different sort of fun ride (fun ride),
You know you won't slip and slide (slip and slide),
When I've got you up on my back side (back side).

Put your lips round my big toe (big toe),
Suck me into erotic throes (erotic throes),
But you really, really must know(must know),
I don't get off on you sucking my big toe (big toe).

PUT YOUR THIGHS ON MY SHOULDERS
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Melody - Put Your Head on My Shoulder
Contributed by Dennis "Mu-Sick" Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida

Put your thighs on my shoulders, hold me in your arms, baby,
Sweep me off my feet, show me, that your twat is wet,
Put your lips next to mine, dear, won't you kiss it once, baby,
Just a kiss goodnight, maybe, you and I could fall in lust.

People say that love's a fame, a game you just can't win,
If there's a way, I'll find it someday,
And then the next time, I'll stick it in, dear.

Put your thighs on my shoulders, whisper in my ear, "Eat me,"
Words I want to hear, "Eat me,"
Tell me that you'll screw me, too.

RAWHIDE
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Melody - Rawhide
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

Rollin', rollin', rollin,
My dick is gettin' swollen,
I got this doggie rollin', Rawhide.
My knob is hard as leather,
But I'll get it in whatever,
I wish I could get the tip inside,
I stab but I keep missin',
This wasn't made for pissin',
I'm waiting for this year's first ride.

CHORUS:
Pull 'em down, get 'em off,
Get 'em off, pull 'em down,
Pull 'em down, Get 'em off, Rawhide.
Stick it in, pull it out,
Pull it out, stick it in,
Stick it in, pull it out, Rawhide.

She's movin', movin', movin',
Stops my manhood groovin',
This doggie won't stop movin', Rawhide.
It's gonna be sore later,
But I've been a masturbator,
All those years that I've just spent inside,
My balls they are aching,
From ages wanking, waiting,
Waiting to get this thing inside.

Rollin', rollin', rollin',
I'm rootin' her assholin',
We're mounted doggy style, Rawhide.
I don't try to understand her,
Just catch and grope and bang her,
Now her twat is gettin' wet and wide,
My foreskin's torn and tattered,
Her pussy's worn and battered,
At last I'll drop my load inside.

THE REAL STORY OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
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Melody - Gilligan's Island Theme
Attributed to John Valby (aka Doctor Dirty), contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started with a drippy dick,
And a cold sore on my lip.

The skipper started getting rough,
He grabbed my scrotum sack,
Pulled it back between my legs,
And shoved it up my crack.

The professor sucked off Mary Anne,
And Thurston Howell the 3rd,
Was nuzzlin' Gilligan's asshole,
Hopin' for a turd.

Mrs Howell and Ginger were doin' 69,
Ginger thought her period was late . . .
But it was right on time!

THE RINGADANGDOO
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Melody - Itself
Folk Song - This Version Contributed by Free 2 Lay

There was a girl
Her name was jean
The prettiest thing
That you ever seen
She had a boy
So straight and true
Who longed to bang
Her ringadangadoo

Chorus:
Aringadangadoo (spin around)
Hey what is that (shrug Shoulders)
It’s soft and furry (rub fingers together)
Like a pussy cat (three fingers on each side of mouth-whiskers)
It’s oval shaped (make a circle with hand)
And split in two (duh..)
That’s what they call
Aringadangadoo

Well she took him to
Her fathers house
They crept inside
Quiet as a mouse
They locked the doors
And the windows too
And rocked all night
On aringadangadoo

Chorus

Well the very next day
Her father said
You’ve gone and lost
Your maidenhead
So pack your bags
And your suitcase too
And bugger off
With your ringadangadoo

Chorus

Well she moved to town
And became a whore
And hung a sign
Outside her door
and 1 by 1
And 2 by 2
The strangers came
To bang a ringadangadoo

Chorus

Well the hashers came
And the hasher went
And the price went down
To fifty cents
Then 2 for 1
The 5 for 2
To bang all night
On a ringadangadoo

Chorus (instead of and split in two, it’s filled with goo-punch air with fist to emphasize the filled part)

Well there came to town
A son of a bitch
With ghonoreea
And the seven year itch
With syphilis
And herpes too
Now that’s the end
Of a ringadangadoo

Chorus (really fast-do all motions) except slow down the last ringadangadoo

ROLL ME OVER IN THE CLOVER
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Melody - Roll Me Over in the Clover
(Take turns leading verses)

Well, this is number one,
And the fun has just begun,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

CHORUS:
Roll me over in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Well, this is number two,
And my hand is on her shoe, etc

Well, this is number three,
And my hand is on her knee, etc

Well, this is number four,
And we're rolling on the floor, etc

Well, this is number five,
And the bee is in the hive, etc

Well, this is number six,
And she says she likes my tricks, etc

Well, this is number seven,
And we're in our seventh heaven, etc

Well, this is number eight,
And the nurse is at the gate, etc

Well, this is number nine,
And the twins are doing fine, etc

Well, this is number ten,
And we're at it once again, etc

Well, this is number eleven,
And we start again from seven, etc

Well, this is number twelve,
And she said, "You kan jag isalv," etc

Well, this is number twenty,
And she said that that was plenty, etc

Well, this is number thirty,
And she said that that was dirty, etc

Well, this is number forty,
And she said, "Now you are naughty," etc

RUBBER DICKIE
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Melody - Rubber Ducky
Composed by Porno Pretzle, Emerald Coast HHH; contributed by M.I.A.

Rubber dickie, you're the one,
You make bedtime so much fun,
Rubber dickie, I'm awfully fond of you (boop boop a doo).

Rubber dickie, toy of toys,
When you're in me I make noise,
Rubber dickie, you're my very best friend, it's true.

Every day when I make my way to my beddie,
I find my rubber dickie is always charged up and ready,
I like to wear my teddy.

Rubber dickie, you're so fine,
And I'm happy that you are mine,
Rubber dickie, I'm awfully fond of . . .
Rubber dickie, you're the magical wand of . . .
Rubber dickie, you're the one that I love in me.

RUBBER DILDO
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Melody - Rubber Ducky
Lyrics by Catwoman

Rubber dildo, you're the one
You make showers lots of fun.
Rubber dildo I'm awfully fond of you
Boob boop e doo

Rubber dildo, shaft of joy.
You're a woman's favorite toy.
Rubber dildo you're my very best friend it's true.
Ooh, ooh ah ooh

Every night when I,
stat to play with my buddy.
I am so, doggone happy that
I'm not stuck with a hubby
Rub a dub dubby

Rubber Dildo, you're so fine
I'm so thankful that you're mine
Rubber Dildo I think I'm in love with you

(With feeling)
Rubber Dildo, you're so fine
I'm so thankful that you're mine
Rubber dildo I think I'm in love with
Rubber dildo I'd like a whole drawer of
Rubber dildo I think I'm in love with you

SEVEN NERVOUS DAYS
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Melody - Seven Lonely Days

Seven nervous days, I've waited for results,
Seven lonely nights I've stayed away from you,
I never could have guessed, I had no idea,
That you'd given me a dose of gonorrhea.

CHORUS:
Oh my darling I'm crying,
Boo-hoo poor me,
'Cause the doctor's prescribing
Penicillin for me.

You said you were drunk,
Now does that make it right?
I think you're a lousy skunk,
To sleep with a transvestite.

Said you couldn't tell,
It was very hard to find,
So you thought what the hell,
And rammed it up behind.

I knew I had a dose,
'Cause it hurts when I pee,
If you ever come close,
I'll cut off your willie.

I never felt so shy,
You caused me so much strife,
But now it's your turn to cry,
'Cause you gotta tell your wife.

LAST CHORUS:
Oh my darling you're crying,
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo,
Now the doctor's prescribing
Penicillin for you too.

SEX IS BORING
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Melody - Frere Jacques

Sex is boring,
Pain is fun,
Gonna cut my fingers off,
One by one . . .

Sex is boring,
Pain is fun,
Pulling out my pubic hairs,
One by one . . .

Sex is boring,
Pain is fun,
Poking out my eyes,
One by one . . .

Sex is boring,
Pain is fun,
Cutting off my gonads,
One by one . . .

SHE HAD BIG MOUNTAINS . . .
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Melody - Rule Britannia
Contributed by Dick Paschen, who recommends singing this accompanied by large hand movements

She had BIG mountains
And a valley deep and wide,
And ten of Britain's strongest lads
Are thought to be inside.

They climbed UP those mountains,
Went spelunking in her cave,
And those ten tired British boys
Are in there to this day.

But a good YANK could get them out!

SIT ON MY FACE (VERSION # 1)
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Melody - Swinging on a Star
Some verses by Flying Booger

Would you like to sit on my face?
It's a very comfortable place.
Slide your crotch up over my nose,
Or would you rather suck my hose?

My hose is an animal that lives in my pants,
It'll come out to meet you if you give it a chance.
It begs your pardon, but it's grown quite long,
It's a little bit crooked, but it's healthy and strong,
So if you'd like to feel it nice and thick,
You could bend down and suck my prick.

Would you like to fuck in my car?
Carry sperm juice home in a jar,
Get the back seat all in a mess,
Or would you rather lick my ass?

My ass is an animal that lives near my bone,
It's often neglected as an erogenous zone,
I took a shower and it doesn't smell,
And when I shit I wiped like hell,
So if you'd like to give it a go,
You could bend down and lick my asshole.

Would you like to have some orgasms?
Feel your pussy twitchin' in spasms,
Do it over and over again,
Or would you rather fuck my chin?

My chin is an animal that lives under my nose,
It doesn't get half the action of my hose,
It's narrow and pointy, it'll go right in,
Rub you clit on my whiskers, it's a downright sin,
So if you'd like to come once or twice,
Fuck my chin, it's rather nice.

SIT ON MY FACE (VERSION # 2)
Melody - Red River Valley

Come and sit on my face if you love me,
Come sit on my face if you care,
Let me look into your Red River Valley,
And stare into your pubic hair.

SIT ON MY FACE AND TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
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From Monty Python (copyrighted material)
Melody - Itself

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too.
I love it when you oralize,
When I'm between your thighs,
You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you,
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,
'Til we're blown away!

STAND UP AND CHEER (FOR GIRLS WHO GIVE HEAD)
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Contributed by Cream Filled from the San Antonio HHH
Melody - Notre Dame Fight Song

Stand up and cheer for girls who give head,
Bring your limp dicks right from the dead,
They have knee-pads on their slips,
And plenty of chapstick for their lips.

Stand up and cheer for girls who give head,
Bring your limp dicks right from the dead,
Spit or swallow we don't care,
As long as their head is there.

SQUARE DANCE
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Up with the petticoat,
Down with the pants,
In with the pecker,
Everyone dance.
Girls with the rags on,
Up against the wall.
Guys with hardons,
Promenade the hall.
Gals grab your partners,
Firmly by the balls.
Make him holler, make him shout,
Put your pretty ass, up against his snout.
First lady go, second lady pass, third lady's finger up the fourth man's ass.
Finger out, promenade the hall,
Now release the poor gent's balls.
Then down with the petticoat, up with the pants, for this is the end of the
Old Square Dance.
SUNSTROKE, SYPHILIS, VARICOSE VEINS
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Melody - ???
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

You wake up in the morning in a terrible rage,
Your mouth, it feels like an unswept cage,
You've got lead in your pants, you've got fluff in your brains,
You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.
You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
The agony goes but the order remains,
You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.

Your legs, your realize, are far from limber,
Your teeth, they chatter like a baby marimba,
You call the doctor, and he explains,
You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.

You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
You're full of genital and vascular pains,
You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.

We call in the specialists from all the nations,
The say you have the usual complications,
The sunstroke loses, and the syphilis gains;
And for the rest of your life you'll have varicose veins.

Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins,
You feel like your water's cut off at the mains,
When you've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.

SUPERCALLOUSFLAGELLISTICSEXPECTCUNNILINGUS
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Melody - Supercallifragilisticexpecalidosious
Written by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

CHORUS:
Supercallousflagellisticsexpectcunnilingus,
Queers like to take it up the bum from dildoes, dicks, or fingers,
Lesbians like their tonguing slow to make the climax linger,
But Supercallousflagellisticsexpectcunnilingus,
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye

My fat Auntie Ethel was into suits of rubber,
Then she met the Michelin Man and took him as a lover,
But they used a diesel tube for enemas on each other,
The explosion rocked the city hall and covered it in blubber.
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye

Uncle John likes whips and knives and ladies to disfigure,
Auntie Kath liked to be tied and whipped with bamboo canes or wicker,
She said, "Whip me, whip me, and make me writhe and slither,"
He said, "No, I'll tickle you, that will make my dick get stiffer."
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye

Uncle Cyril, we always knew, was into brown battery,
He stuck a dildo up his boyfriend's bum with lots of beer and flattery,
"Take it out and I'll give you dick," he said quite matter of factly,
"Oh no, please don't take it out but kindly change the battery!"
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye

Mary Jane looks like a man but on little girls she's keener,
Thought she'd take a virgin home and try to get between her,
The virgin said, "Oh no please sir, I don't knowwhere it's been, sir,"
Mary Jane said, "It's factory fresh," and introduced a wiener.
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye

SYPHILIS
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Melody - Four and Twenty Blackbirds
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4

Sing a song of syphilis,
A penis full of pus,
Four and twenty pox scabs,
Waiting to be burst.
And when her legs were opened,
Oh what a sight to see,
Oozy gray-green matter,
All running with her pee.

THANK GOD I'M A PUBIC HARE
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Melody - Thank God I'm a Country Boy
(Sounds best after inhaling helium, though I'm not condoning this behavior)

Well life on her crotch is kinda laid back,
Watchin' them peckers tryin' to get in her crack,
I get messy when they're slightly off the track,
Thank God I'm a Pubic Hare!

Well she fluffs me up when she's goin' on a date,
Brushes me aside when she's gonna masturbate,
Scratches me to death if her period is late,
Thank God I'm a Pubic Hare!

When she's not really horny she uses Vaseline,
Takes a little shower and rubs me clean,
I appreciate it when I'm covered with cream,
Thank God I'm a Pubic Hare!

Well I like it when they eat but I don't like when they diddle,
I get crushed when they're poundin' on her middle,
Curl right up when she takes a little diddle,
Thank God I'm a Pubic Hare!

THE DIDLO SONG
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Melody - The Slinky Theme Song
A Favorite of the SD Big Heads H3
(You can find a video of this song at www.ifilm.com)

What rolls down stairs,
Alone or in pairs,
And makes a buzzety sound?
Its long, a schlong,
A marvelous dong

Everyone Knows Its Dildo!

What fits in a sock,
Feels Better than cock,
And unlike a man, it's slow?
It vibrates a bit,
Feels great on your clit,

Everyone Knows Its Dildo!

It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
It's big, it's fleshy, it's ribbed.
It's Dildo! It's Dildo!
Yes, that's right, it's ribbed.

What fits in your crack,
Some even have sacks,
The penis you don't have to blow.
They're not just for gays,
They use double A's.

Everyone Knows Its Dildo!

A dildo dog, a dildo plane,
Many more vibrating toys.
You turn the knob,
They buzz and throb,
Feels great in girls and boys.

What makes you cum,
And fits in your bum,
Some of them even can glow.
A dink, a dink,
In marvelous pink.

Everyone Knows Its Dildo!

A long fleshy tube,
Use oil based lube,
Not for just the neighborhood hoes.
For a girl on the go,
No time for a beau,
It makes for a perfect fellow.

They're Dildo's! They're Dildos!
The sex toys that everyone likes.
They're Dildo's! They're Dildos!
For gay men and even for dykes.

THE DIVORCE GAME
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Melody: Take me out to the Ball Game
From Slippery Beaver, Hill Country H3, TX

Make me out as the bad guy,
Trash my name in a crowd.
Tell them that I don't pay child support,
My breath is bad and my dick is too short.
And it's all my fault for the whole thing,
The guy is always to blame.
Take my house, car, and half of my pay,
In the dee-vorce game.

THE STREETS OF ITAEWAN
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Melody - The Cowboy's Lament or Streets of Laredo (Bang the Drum Slowly)
Contributed by Davey Crotchit, Hill Country H3

As I was walking the streets of Itaewan,
The streets of Itaewan at four in the morn’.
I spied a small woman alone on the corner,
Smelling of Kimchi and looking quite warm.

"Hey there Me Guk do you want massagee?"
These words she did say as I slowly walked by.
"Just give me some wan and I’ll make you happy;
I'm small in the breast but I’m tight in the thigh."

So I banged her bum slowly and hoped no one saw me;
Tomorrow I’ll regret it, tonight I’m King Kong!
Take me to the clinic and shove the needle in me,
For I'm a young GI and know I've done wrong.

My wife and my family they live on the continent,
They’ll never know of the deeds that I've done.
As long as my dick doesn’t turn black and fall off,
For I'm a young GI and must have my fun.

THE TRIANGLE
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Recitation for Three Hashers

(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv,
(together) Three Hashers of quite different intentions.
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv,
(together) Seeking sex in three different directions.

(hetero) I love with a will girls from Sydney to Dover,
(homo) I loved with a Will till Will said it was over,
(perv) I loved with Will, Wilhelmina, Junior, and Rover,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv.
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv,
(together) As we search for this, that, or the other,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv,
(together) It's so strange, we're from the same mother.

(hetero) I once fancied a Harriette brim full of beer,
(homo) I once fancied our G.M., he had a nice rear,
(perv) I remember the fellow, I came in his ear,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv.
(one by one) I'm normal, Informal, Who knows?
(together) All for one, one for all, up your nose,
You can number us all amongst those,
Who give thanks for the age of permission.

(hetero) I once had a Harriette who was lovely to lick,
(homo) I once tried a Harriette, but she made me feel sick,
(perv) I once knew a Harriette who liked horses' dicks,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv.

(one by one) He's staid, They're depraved, He's the end,
(together) Getting kicks in our different manners,
We're ourselves so why should we pretend?
We live and let live so why ban us?
(hetero) I once had an affair with a pretty Kathleen,
(homo) I'm not into royalty, but my lover's a queen,
(perv) I got mine stuck in a vending machine,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv.

(one by one) I like girls, I like guys, I like sex,
(together) Our threesome is gruesome though sensual,
Not knowing quite who to do next,
To fulfill all our latent potential.

(hetero) Is life a bright flower simply there for the plucking?
(homo) Or a ripe juicy banana awaiting a sucking?
(perv) I don't care what it is, I'm just here for the fucking,
(one by one) I'm hetero, I'm homo, I'm a perv.

THESE FOOLISH THINGS
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Melody - These Foolish Things
(Take turns leading verses)
A pair of boobies in a loose brassiere,
A cunt that twitches like a moose's ear,
A dirty rubber in my glass of beer,
These foolish things remind me of you.

CHORUS:
Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo-da-doo-da-doo-doo-doo-doo, etc . . .

A naked photograph of Liberace,
The smile you show when I say, "Such a hotche,"
Syphilitic scars that make your face so blotchy,
These foolish things remind me of you.

A running sore beside an open hole,
A Kotex floating in the toilet bowl,
A pubic hair on my breakfast roll,
These foolish things remind me of you.

Lipstick traces on an old French letter,
A dose of "you-know-what" that won't get better,
And when I piss it stings,
These foolish things remind me of you.

The dirty panties in the cracked washbasin,
The broken jerry that I washed my face in,
The bed with the creaking springs,
These foolish things remind me of you.

An old dead fetus on a marble slab,
A toothless blowjob in a taxi cab,
A great big hard on with a syphilitic scab,
These foolish things remind me of you.

When I awoke upon the morning after,
I saw your tits and pissed myself with laughter,
Oh, how the left one swings!
These foolish things remind me of you.

The birth control book with its well-worn pages,
The contraceptive which comes off in stages,
Oh, how my foreskin stings!
These foolish things remind me of you.

TRA RA RA BOOM DER E
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Melody - Tra-La-La-Boom-De-Ay
By Chlorine Will Kill Anything from the So Happy It's Tuesday H3

Tra Ra Ra Boom Der E,
I met a hare today,
He gave me 50 beers,
To come and meet him here.
He pushed me to the ground,
He pulled my panties down,
I was dismayed to see,
He had a small wee wee!
But I knew what to do,
Cause I'm a harriette,
I took the beer and ran,
And he ain't caught me yet!

TROJANS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND
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Melody - Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

A poke from a bloke
May be quite incidental
But Trojans are a girls best friend

You may get the works
But you won't be parental
As he slides it in
You trust that good old latex skin

He let's fly
But none gets by
Cause it all gathered up in the end

This little precaution
Avoids an abortion
Trojan are a girls best friend

UNDER THE COVERS WITH SHARON STONE
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Melody - The Cover of the Rolling Stones

It was getting late,
I didn't have a date,
So I went to the video store;
I rented Basic Instinct,
I'd never seen it before.
As soon as I got home,
I put the movie in,
And more than my mind was blown!
There was Michael Douglas,
With his big, bare butt,
Under the covers with Sharon Stone!

Sharon Stone,
You know I would never leave her,
Stone,
If she shot me that big ol' beaver,
Stone,
How I'd love to be,
Under the covers with Sharon Stone!

I like Kim Bassinger,
And Debra Winger,
I'm itchin' for Demi Moore;
That sexy Julia Roberts,
In Pretty Woman she palayed a whore.
I like Michelle Pfiefer,
And Winona Rider,
They've got a look that's all there own.
But I would sell my soul,
For a starring role,
Under the covers with Sharon Stone!

Sharon Stone,
Wearing nothing but her scanties,
Stone,
I'd make sun tea from her panties,
Stone,
How I'd love to be,
Under the covers with Sharon Stone!

Sharon Stone,
You know I'd be her hubby,
Stone,
Hell, right now I've got a chubby!
Stone,
How I'd love to be,
Under the covers with Sharon Stone!

WAS IT YOU (THAT DID THE PUSHIN'?)
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Melody - Humoresque
John Valby Song
Additional Verses by Orchid Gina of the Big Heads H3

Daddy:
Was it you that did the pushin’,
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Was is you, you sly woodpecker,
That got into my daughter Rebecca?
If it was you better leave this town.

Boyfriend Bob:
Yes ‘twas I that did the pushin’,
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I got into your daughter,
I’ve had trouble passing water.
So I guess we’re even all around!

Rebecca:
Wasn’t him that did the pushin,
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down
With chaps & spurs & riding crop,
I rode him cowboy style, on top,
And gagged him so he couldn’t make a sound.

Bob’s Alternate Lifestyle Partner:
‘Twas both of us that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down
He had me squeelin’ like a Virgin.
Actually, he was pushin’ a turd in,
That is why the stains are really brown!

WAVES AND WAVES
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Melody - Both Sides Now
Composed by Brian "The Bard" Davies, Surabaya HHH, Indonesia

Waves and waves of golden hair,
Her lips so red, her skin so fair,
Her breasts they were a perfect pair,
They took my breath away,
I courted her from week to week,
I held her hand, I kissed her cheek,
No other favors did I seek,
Or try to get my way.

CHORUS:
I've humped with her from both sides now,
In and out, up and down,
In all experience I do declare,
I've never seen a tattoo there.

She sat herself upon my knee,
And turning round she said to me,
"I've saved myself for you, you see,
Until our wedding day,
It's only twice I've been untrue,
Phuket Hash they did me screw,
The Yankee navy laid me too,
And had their ends away."

I must admit I've played some tricks,
What's one destroyer full of pricks?
Phuket Hashmen in their kits,
Would surely lose their way,
But like a cad, my chance did seize,
I'd never been between her knees,
And my pure angel just to please,
Upon her back did lay.

Waves and waves of pubic hair,
The cooties crawling everywhere,
The flavored douches sprayed in there,
It's strawberry today,
And if you get inside her pants,
Cave paintings in the south of France,
The only way that I could chance,
Describing what I saw.

Orangutans hang from her clit,
A serpent's head peers from the slit,
A dragon rampant on each tit,
Each face a different way,
To drop your head and taste the dew,
Is like feeding time at London Zoo,
I took some snake bite serum too,
I'm not ashamed to say.

Now hordes and hordes of curious guys,
Pay for the pleasure and surprise,
Of gazing between my girlfriend's thighs,
It's made me rich today,
So pay now if you've a need,
No clap, no VD, guaranteed,
Maybe some babies, I'll concede,
Just form a queue - this way.

WEDDING SONG
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Melody - Side by Side

We got married on Sunday,
The party didn't finish till Monday,
And when the guests had gone home,
We were alone,
Side by side.

Well we got ready for bed then,
And I very nearly dropped dead when,
Her teeth and her hair,
She placed on the chair,
Side by side.

Well the shock did very near kill me,
When her glass eye did fall,
Then her leg and her arm,
She placed by the chair,
Side by side.

Well this left me broken hearted,
For most of my wife had departed,
So I slept on the chair,
There was more of her there,
Side by side.

WHEN THE END OF THE MONTH ROLLS AROUND
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Melody - As the Cassions Go Rolling Along

You can tell by the stain that she's in a lot of pain
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her stance she's got cotton in her pants
When the end of the month rolls around.

CHORUS 1:
For it's hi, hi, hay, What ya gonna' say,
Shout out your sizes loud and clear:
We've got Super, Regular, Large,
We've got rags that fit a barge,
When the end of the month rolls around.

OR

CHORUS 2:
For it's hi, hi, hee, in the Kotex industry,
Shout out your sizes loud and strong:
Junior, Regular, Super-Duper, Bale of Hay!
For where e're we go you will always know
When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her walk that you'll sit around and talk
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by the blotch that she's got a leaky crotch
When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her eyes there is blood between her thighs
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her pout that her eggs are falling out
When the end of the month rolls around.

You can tell by her stance that she's bleeding in her pants
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell that it itches by the way she always bitches
When the end of the month rolls around.

You can bet it ain't sweat when her underwear is wet,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by the stink that she isn't in the pink,
When the end of the month rolls around.

WHO IS IN THE KITCHEN WITH AH HIN?
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Melody - Who is in the Kitchen With Dinah?

Who is in the kitchen with Ah Hin?
Who is in the kitchen with Ah-Ah Hin?
Who is in the kitchen with Ah Hin?
Playing with his tiny thing?

Ah Hin, tiny thing, Ah Hin, tiny thing.
Ah Hin, tiny thing, playing with his tiny thing.

Who is in the toilet with Ah Sai?
Who is in the toilet with Ah-Ah Sai?
Who is in the toilet with Ah Sai?
Playing with her twa-cheebye?

Ah Sai, twa-cheebye, Ah Sai, twa-cheeby.
Ah Sai, twa-cheebye, playing with her twa-cheebye.

Who is in the bedroom with Ah Leng?
Who is in the bedroom with Ah-Ah Leng?
Who is in the bedroom with Ah Leng?
Playing with her twa-liap leng?

Ah Leng, twa-liap leng, Ah Leng, twa-liap leng.
Ah Leng, twa-liap leng, playing with her twa-liap leng.

WHO NEEDS SEX?
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Melody - Three Blind Mice
First verse by Flying Booger, second by Hazukashii, third by Square Root

Who needs sex?
Who needs sex?
It's no fun,
It's no fun,
You chase after women and what do you get?
You grumble and fumble and break out in sweat,
You wake up at daylight just deeper in debt,
So who needs sex?
Who needs sex?

Who needs sex?
Who needs sex?
It's no fun,
It's no fun,
You meet a new women and go on a date,
You hug and you kiss and you think that it's great,
She gives you blue balls and you masturbate,
So, who needs sex?
Who needs sex?

Who needs sex?
Who needs sex?
It's no fun
It's no fun
He grunts and he gasps like he's on a long run
He's in for a minute then he squirts on your bum
Then he falls asleep as soon as he's done
So who needs sex?
Who needs sex?

WILL YOU MARRY ME? (DUET)
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Melody - Itself

If I give you half-a-crown,
Can I take your knickers down?
Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
Will you marry me?

If you give me half-a-crown,
You can't take my knickers down.
You can't marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
You can't marry me.

If I give you fish and chips,
Will you let me squeeze your tits? Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
Will you marry me?

If you give me fish and chips,
You may not squeeze my tits,
You can't marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
You can't marry me.

If I give you my big chest,
And all the money I possess,
Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
Will you marry me.

If you give me your big chest,
And all the money you possess,
I will marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
I will marry you.

Get out of the door, you lousy whore,
My money was all you were lookin' for,
And I'll not marry, marry, marry, marry, marry,
I'll not marry you.

YANK MY NOODLE
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Melody - Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yank my Noodle, it's a dandy,
Yank my noodle 'til I die.
Make that wiener shoot some fireworks,
Just like the Fourth of July.
I've got a yankee noodle boner,
I've had it since she rubbed my thigh

So yank my noodle if you please,
That bulge is not a phony,
Stick your fingers up my ass,
And stroke my macaroni.

Yank my noodle, it's so thick,
Baby it's a dandy,
Stick that sucker in your mouth,
I swear it tastes like candy!

Yank my Noodle, it's a dandy,
Yank my noodle 'til I die.
Lick that lizard 'till it's standing tall,
Right through my pubic hair.
If you love yankee noodle peckers,
I've got one that I can spare.

So yank my noodle 'til it cums,
And point it towards your titties,
They say that stuff is beauty cream,
Let's make your titties pretty.

Yank my noodle, it's so thick,
Baby it's a dandy,
Jerk that turk until it squirts,
And keep a klenex handy.

Yank my Noodle, it's a dandy,
Yank my noodle 'til I die.